Toxicity all around, part 1

“You’re a toxic person”- it’s understood to mean a person who is harmful to another’s emotional equilibrium. Those who are overwhelmingly negative, who blame others, who are excessively needy or who are casually cruel sometimes are called toxic. Other labels that are often used to justify ending a relationship are narcissistic and bipolar. Both of these are genuine psychological disorders, but the labels are often casually applied, without any professional diagnosis.

I ended this relationship. It was very toxic to all involved. It was with my mother. I am not proud of this and I don’t always feel good about it. I did it to heal. I did it for my sanity. I did it for me.

Growing up, I always did something wrong. The dishes weren’t done correctly, the sink wasn’t clean enough, did I really vacuum? I would get punished, for a lot of those things. There was abuse; mental, emotional and physical. She chased me around the house once, with a hanger, saying she was going to kill me, because she didn’t believe something I told her.

When I was about 5, until age 8, I used to hide in the toilet paper aisle in the grocery store, praying for someone to steal me, so I could have a better life. I still think about how different my life would have been, if someone did kidnap me. Don’t get me wrong, I have a great life now and I know that everything I went through helped me get to where I am.

She was in a relationship, on and off again, for years. When I was in 5th grade, he proposed, she said yes, I told her I would run away if she married him. They eventually broke up. Every time they were broken up, she was a different person. She would sit on the bottom of her bed, staring out of her bedroom window, looking out there for him. This went on for hours, days and weeks at a time. We would ask her something, and it was as if she wasn’t in her body. We couldn’t communicate with her, she wasn’t nurturing at those times.

“Your grades aren’t high enough, you spent too much of your pay check, why haven’t you done your list of chores I left for you?” This went on until I was 24, when I left the house and eloped. The only way I could get away from her was to move away…it worked for a little while. For years, she blamed me for ruining our family. “If you didn’t marry him, everything would be fine., if you didn’t move away, I wouldn’t be in this situation.” Well, the marriage didn’t last and then I was blamed again. “God doesn’t want you to divorce. You must be doing something wrong if you don’t want to be married. I told you so.” At this time, I was living almost 2000 miles away. I was depressed, alone and broke. She couldn’t help me… and she didn’t even try. She wanted to talk on the phone all the time. If I wasn’t at work, I needed to be talking to her. I couldn’t handle it. I made up excuses as to why I couldn’t talk to her. It bought me a month or so…then she started sending cards in the mail. They always had bible verses inscribed in them with a note saying something to the effect of… “I love you and may God soften your heart” or “the Bible says to honour your parents.” ALWAYS…. even in my birthday card this past year (2016).

After a while, I apologized and asked her to be part of my life again. This is her vicious circle. When someone upset her, she demanded an apology that meant something. Then she would forgive you, and allow you to be in her life again. Then inevitably, you would do something to upset her again…and repeat. She has done this to all of her friends, my friends and our family. The sad thing is, everyone sees this, except her. She is never at fault, someone disrespected her, someone said something she doesn’t agree with, or someone argued with her.

I am married with step-children. She has told me on more than one occasion that they are not mine, I am not a parent and she is not their grandparent. On Mother’s Day, she refused to acknowledge me, as a mother. Also, if I didn’t call her first thing in the morning on a holiday or a special occasion, I ruined her day…. every year, every holiday.

For a while, I looked into how to divorce your parents. I knew it would break her heart; however, my soul was dying. I finally made the decision, spoke to those who meant the most to me, my husband and sister and then mailed her a letter. I waited for a response and didn’t get one. One day, about a month later, I started getting text messages from her. It was as if she didn’t receive the letter. I ignored them for a while and I got upset every time she would send one. They were mean, hurtful and abusive. I then told her to leave me alone, as the letter was clearly written. I had to threaten to get a harassment order against her as they didn’t stop. They stopped…. for a while.

For the past year, she mailed things to me with other people’s return addresses. She went so far as to send Christmas gifts, with our old church’s (she doesn’t attend there anymore) return address. I moved and she doesn’t have my address now. This may be the only way to avoid her now.

This year, Mother’s Day was extremely hard. I was jealous of all the relationships my friends and family have with their mothers. People were writing sweet stories about their mother or updating their picture on social media to a picture with their mom and a frame around it that said, “I love my mom.”

If I had any relationships that were toxic, I got out of them. Why didn’t I leave sooner with her? Guilt is a big part of it. You’re supposed to be there for your parents, just as they were there for you. My sister and I were recently talking about this and she said it perfectly, “we didn’t have the mom we wanted or needed.”

There is a lot I have left out, because, who really wants to read a whole book right now? This is a short glimpse into the life of someone who has divorced her mother. I envy those who have relationships with their parents. I envy those that cry over the loss of their parents.

I know my mother was chosen for me, this may have been the reason, to help others end their toxic relationships with their parents. It hurts, stings and scars. I won’t be able to ever have a relationship with the one who gave birth to me. I do, however, have a relationship with the One who gave me life. He is my Father and He is good. He is always there for me, no matter what I’ve done or how far I’ve gone away. He loves me unconditionally and rejoices when I rejoice. I wasn’t going to end like this, but it is so important. I’m not afraid to say that my Heavenly Father is the one who brought me through all of this, made me a better person for it and will continue to watch me become an even better person as I get older.

I hope this will touch one life. Know that you are not alone. There are many people who go through what we have and what we are going through. I don’t know when it will get any easier, or if it ever will. My conscience is clear and my heart is light. I pray that one day; all of our parents will get the help that they need. Maybe our kids won’t want to divorce us.

I don’t know if anyone has read this through. If you have, thank you for taking this journey with me. The main goal is to start the healing process and to be there for others that are going through the same thing. Stay tuned for Part 2, Rejection is the name of the game.