For as long as I can remember I never understood myself. Am I mentally ill? are all humans like me? Was a trauma that did this to me? Or blah blah blah the list goes on. I always found it easy to change my feelings like if I wanted to appear more like a character or a person I just read about in books, manga or saw it on TV or somewhere else it would be pretty easy for me to act like him what’s more I would even try to change my personality my way of thinking my way of speaking for example.
When I read the biography of Jeffery Dahmer a serial killer and cannibal in 80’s or 90’s I tried to be like him from my mind to my looks I started reading cooking books so when I would kill somebody I could eat them cooked. I would try making a habit of shutting my eyes halfway, so it would look like his eyes. As he wore glasses for eye sight I made a lie about my eye sight becoming weak although I couldn’t relay on some idiotic lie (I don’t like my lies being caught for as long as I can remember. I would always put a lot of effort into my lies to the extent that as time passed, I wouldn’t even remember that it was a lie) so I tried a way to make my eyesight weak so read the instructions of my daily medicines (which I was taking regularly as I was diagnosed for many mental disorder by many doctors) and I found that the overdose or something of the lament (idk much about it it’s some kind of mood maintaining tab) will make my vision for a short period blur so as the plan went my elder brother got me to a cheap eye specialist (also part of the plan cuz an expert will notice that why my pupils are fully blown dilated) and he told me buy glasses. And no, I was not obsessed with serial killers or Jeffery or killing people (although I did kill a few dogs and some cats just to see how it felt) and I don’t think I’m psychopath or something (as I got bored of Jeffery after a weak and now I not even interested in him).
I’m not saying I’m ok as in my brain, but I can’t seem to understand at all what’s wrong with my brain (or am I normal just in a weird way?). Was I born this way? Will I be like this for the rest of my life? (I’m 18 by the way). huh? Am I overthinking?
(Wow I didn’t expected my story of three and half month would get this long! Oh well who cares?)
