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I think my family hates me

So, the thing is I think my family hates me. I don’t know if there is anything I can do now. Tbh, it’s not my fault. It’s my father’s fault that he died too soon.

My mother was not the best parent. We were never that poor. She could have given me a better school. I gave her so many hints, begged her too many times. I told her to not live with them and rent our own house, she chose the frugal way to live. And she couldn’t protect me. And later on, it was my fault that I didn’t realise what was coming for me. But you weren’t there. And when you were you didn’t listen to me. And now, I’m not normal. No one treats me like I’m normal. Cause of that one thing that happened to me I can’t be like my friends are, like normal happy teenager. I can’t. Don’t you ever tell me that it’s my fault. Your words are too harsh.

When you speak I can really feel a pain in my heart. I got bullied in school. I got raped in home. Only I know what I’ve been through. But there is a hope of a better future. I will study and find someone to live with. I will one day be a mother and wish to have a beautiful little daughter. I will protect her, love her, motivate her, tell her she’s perfect, tell her to be herself, tell her she’s the most beautiful girl in the world, tell her no matter what I’ve got your back. I will show my mother how to be a mother. I will let her discover he hobbies and let her do whatever she wants to do in her life. And I will still love and care for my mother. If she failed to be a good mother, I would still try to be a good daughter. And when the day comes when you need your children’s aide, and your son that you are very proud of and adore so much, he’ll not be your side.

If I have a son, I will not raise him like you raised my brother. I will tell him that he’s equal to his sister. I will tell him that both boys and girls have to do household chores. I will teach him to respect girls. I will raise both my children to be good and happy humans. I will give them a normal childhood. I will not marry who you chose for me. I will marry someone who will love me for what I am, I will marry someone who does not just wants me to cook for me but consider me his equal counter-part in life and shares all his decisions and work with me. He will not be someone who will ever hit me. And when I tell him about my childhood, it will not affect his love for me. He’ll be someone who says ‘Past is the past. I will always love you’ and hug me.

I can’t wait to be independent and move out. Live by my own rules and for once get a break from being reminded of my past every single day. I want to wear whatever I want to. I want to live by my own rules. I want to be whatever I want. I don’t just want money in my life and lose everything else in my life like you did. I don’t hate you, I can never hate you. You are my mother after all you are my mother, but I definitely want you to realise that you were wrong. I deserve an apology. You don’t know how much you hurt me, how much have I cried. But even if you don’t, it’s fine by me. I will just say past is past and have a beautiful future. I am still hopeful.

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