Whoever ends up reading this (I know it’s going to be you).
I am so tired. You’re right, I do keep using this as my excuse for everything, but am I wrong? I’m so emotionally, physically, mentally drained. I feel like I’m drowning in my own exhaustion. All I can do now is sleep. Sleep is my answer to everything nowadays. Stressed out? Sleep. Depressed? Sleep. You crush my heart again? I sleep for the rest of the day. It was once my temporary escape from life, but now life is becoming my temporary escape from unconsciousness. It takes the pain away, as well as the time.
My body only knows sleep. My mind finds no reason to stay awake. Longer and longer; 15,16,17 hours at a time. I can’t stop now, I’m too tired to stay awake; or maybe I’m too scared, too scared to face the inevitability of my mediocre future and my pitiful death. I can’t stay awake without you, so I rest. All I can do is rest.
It’s time to let me rest now. Let me sleep, let me go. I promise to wait for you as long as you promise to never wake me up. Lay me down, tuck me in. Goodnight, sweet dreams.
– Your dearest dreamer
You say that your mind and body have no reason to stay awake. Yet, you have been given the gift of life, and you are able to wake up everyday. Now I realize that this is happening to you in your life and this is how you feel. But when you do wake up isn’t that enough motivation to get up and move instead of going back to sleep? Heck, you have the whole day that awaits you to fill it with whatever you want. Do you, enjoy life, have fun, and forget all the things that are weighing you down.
This comment might be too late. But I’m feeling the same now. I just felt the same emptiness, that no matter what I do I still fall into this pains. Pain from being abandoned by the family, friends and even the only friend I have. I can’t put into words the pains I’ve felt. I have to work three part time job to survive and pay my school tuition. no matter what I do …. I know out there in the world I am not alone that’s why I always tried my best to keep living and do whatever it takes to survive .. I have to live.. but the more I think of living the more tribulations come in my way.. I did my best to be one of the top students in the class inorder for me to take the scholarship. I did. I was the happiest back then knowing I’ll be able to study without worries in college. But because my parents we’re not there in my final interview I wasn’t accepted. That was the first time that I asked help from them. I only need their signatures. And the memories of sleeping late at night from studying so that I can passed the scholarship. And waking at 3 o’clock to review again.. Maybe that scholarship wasn’t meant for me. So instead of a free full tuition with accomodation, allowance and free meals and house. I have to do part times to pays my daily needs and tuition . Life was tough but I have too. I become a servant to people, I have to just patiently accept their mocks and humiliation. i have too…. I am tired but I have too. it was painful. I always have awards in my hands but I have no one to share my success. So in order for me not to be sad I just talk to myself as if someone was by my side. Life was tough.. I don’t know but lately I’ve been thinking of dying. I am too tired, and sick, wounded , and alone. I am always calling God. Where are YOu? I need you. but I can’t find him. tired
=virgz