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In crowded areas I would start to panic

This isn’t so much a life story, but current events, if that’s even allowed on this website. This is the only one I could find that would let me express what’s going on.

Anyway, today I had my first day of high school, as a freshman. I was so nervous, because all the upperclassmen HATE the fresh men. So naturally, I would be absolutely terrified. My dad dropped me off. When you enter the school, there’s a hallway that leads into the cafeteria. So, as I walked inside, the cafeteria was FULL of students. And I mean it was packed. I didn’t know anyone, because my friends hadn’t arrived yet.

I walked into the cafeteria, and I just stood on the side, where there wasn’t a lot of people, but it was still full of people. And before I knew it, I started breathing so so fast, panting. I felt so heavy, so useless.

My body went numb, and my hands started trembling. My eyes started to well up with tears. And this wasn’t the first time. Recently, in crowded areas I would start to panic, and my heart would beat so fast and my eyes tear up. I’m not sure why though. I’m usually fine in crowded areas. But lately, I’ve been depressed. I come from an Asian heritage, and my parents are very strict. Now that I’m in high school, they have put much more pressure to do things. They don’t understand that I have a breaking point. I’m not just saying this because I’m a teenager. I’m saying this because it’s true.

There have been times where they get angry at me for something so little, or something that it pointless and those little bursts of anger really hurt me. I think, “Am I not good enough?”. I can’t tell them it hurts my feelings because they will become angry. My mother says hurtful things to me. She compares me to friends saying that they are working harder than me, but in reality, I am the one who works much harder.

I have been struggling with this, and it has made me depressed, and I now have panic attacks and anxiety. I can never tell anyone this, because in this time if you say you are depressed or have anxiety, society will tell you that you are just doing it for attention. I don’t want that. I don’t want people saying that my problems aren’t real, and that they are for attention. So that’s why I wanted to share this anonymously. So that I have a platform to speak on, and nobody will judge me. So right now, this is my story. If you’re going through the same thing, it will be okay. Just vent like I’m doing here, and it will help. If you’re thinking about hurting yourself, or suicide like I have, just remember that this kind of thing won’t last. finish school like I’m planning, and you can get out of whatever is causing you distress. Thank you for listening to my story.

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