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I think it’s one of the best things I’ve ever stumbled across

I’m so grateful for this forum. I think it’s one of the best things I’ve ever stumbled across. It’s like therapy for me. Getting to just lay everything out, every emotion, every thought, however we want. Thank you to whoever decided to do this. Like for real. Anyway, I have so much on my mind, so much I want to get out; that I’ve had bottled up for so long. I just wish certain things weren’t my reality. They’re all circumstances I can’t change; so yeah I have to find a way to accept it. Some happened because of me, one in particular happened to me. I think the latter hurts the most because it involves my mom.

I know the only way I can get past it is if I have a sit down with her therapist present. But honestly, I’m scared as fuck. That she’ll say things that would show she’s continuing to choose him over me. I don’t think I will ever understand no matter how much she tries to explain why she chose and chooses to stay. How and why do you choose to love a controlling manipulative leech. How can you choose someone like that over me?

I think I need to accept the fact that some friendships only provide a certain level of connection and isn’t capable going past that just because you both don’t click like that. I literally have only two friends. Being an introvert-extrovert, I love time in solitude, but, I also desire to have connections that make my soul feel alive! Persons who I don’t have to force anything with, but I who I can be my complete self around.

I have had that feeling with two other persons before, but, in one sit I thought her, and I were so good that I chose to reveal something to her that I thought our friendship could withstand. Honestly it still hurts to this day because after I did she began slacking off and of course eventually stopped talking. Concerning the other person thinking back he was the most recent and I really do miss his friendship. I’ve thought about reaching out to him, but I’ve done that before, explaining why I started being distant with him and thought that the uncomfortable feeling I started getting around him would change but it didn’t. But honestly, I don’t think he was the problem, I was, or am. In that something is always happening in his life.

Something exciting, something good. Since I left the job he and I were co-workers at so much has happened for him. And well me not so much, so I feel like he’s bragging about his life, but the truth is if there were enough good things happening in my life, I’m sure I wouldn’t feel some type of way when he’s talking about his and feeling like he’s bragging. I guess I just was feeling like everyone I worked with who moves on from the job has had major changes in their life but me. I feel like I’m still in the same place I was when I left, and persons have gotten their dream job, or gotten married. So, I feel like what the hell? And it’s not like I haven’t been making moves, I have. Nothing just worked out for me. So, I feel like before I reach out to him I should have stuff going for me. Stuff I’m proud about. So, I won’t feel some type of way when he starts talking. That’s if he’s still interested in being friends.

So I was saying I think I need to accept that some friendships won’t give me that ultimate friendship I’m looking for and just be grateful for what value that friendship provides and stop forcing it or expecting it to be more, and just keep hoping that I’ll one day regain that ultimate friendship with someone.

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