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I feel old and grumpy now

I’ve not experienced a midlife crisis yet I feel so depressed. I guess feeling all these emotions has lead to this empty, depressed feeling. I was never a happy person, I felt so old and grumpy, I feel old and grumpy now. I hold everything in me because I’m scared to be judged, I’m scared people would see this ugly and vulnerable side of me, and break me to pieces.

The difference between me and an atom is I can be the smallest part that can’t be broken down any further but there is a person who can split me into half all over again. I fell in love with this dude called Jake and I suppose it was a joke, flirtatious relation that was so innocent but when we shared our feelings, we could see that our two energies would collide to an overall failure and I think he hates me.

I didn’t see him for 6 months and I chose to delete him from my memories but I suppose it didn’t exactly work. I went to a public place and saw him, I’d go there at the same time once a week and I’d see him, maybe just a passing glimpse was all it took to make me feel so happy yet horrid. I talked to him, just once and he responded, he blushed intensely and walked away.

The next week I was looking out for him, just to not see him, then the week after and after I couldn’t find him. I asked his friend if he was ill or something, apparently he had a nervous breakdown and stopped coming. And I just shattered, was it my fault? I knew why he left, he never should have met a selfish monster like me.

I think of him every single day, why can’t I delete him again, why can’t I live a Nintendo game and just press restart? Adele sang “Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.” You first hear it and think “That’s just really sad and deep!” Then when your heart just breaks away slowly and leaves you a bitter person, you know you live that reality. I’m not exactly an adult, I suppose my teen love is going to influence me throughout my life until I let it go, but it’s all that’s left of me. I’d rather hold the last bit of me than losing the rest of myself.

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