Why is there so much hate in this world? I wonder what it will be like in the future. Will the generations to come become more understanding and open minded than we are today, or will we continue in our old, outdated ways of thinking/ viewing the world. I will never be able to fathom the difficulty people have with simply respecting other people and their personal preferences.
You do not have to agree with someone else’s views on something in order to respect it. I want to move to a new planet full of kind, loving, and understanding people who build one another up rather than tearing down anyone whose ideas do not parallel their own.
I never thought I could experience so much pain until this past month. Experiencing first hand nothing but neglect and judgement from my own family. However, from this month all I can think about is the naivety which was like a blindfold to me, protecting me from the harsh realities in this world. Physically getting up and writing my thoughts down is too much work for me, but I have been feeling the need to relieve myself of the countless thoughts which race through my head with every second that passes.
I hope, and I pray that 2019 will bring me genuine feelings of peace and serenity, however I acknowledge that this will not come without work. I feel as though we set New Year’s resolutions in hope that the new year will somehow solve our issues. But, the issue in that concept is that in the grand scheme of things, a new year is nothing but a new day. The days will continue to pass each year the same as they did in all the previous years, so with that I am deciding to live my life day by day, minute by minute.
I cannot let my past dictate who I am, and I cannot let my anxiety of what is to come hold me back from enjoying the moment I am truly in. We spend so much time dwelling on the past and meticulously planning the future that we forget to stop and look at where we are currently. Life is so beautiful if we allow it to be. Quite honestly, this past month I haven’t let my life be as beautiful as it could be, as I am stuck reliving a single mistake. I focus on the thousands of things which could have been done or communicated differently. Now I see that none of it matters because of the simple fact that it has already happened, the moment has already come and passed. I fear for myself mentally as this fast-paced world is so exhausting to me.
I worry that if I stop to take a break I will be left behind, yet as I keep on going, I grow increasingly more fatigued. This tiredness is both mental and physical. Mentally, I fear that I may have developed a type of bipolar disorder as my mind is always racing from one train of thought to the next. This may explain the blanket of tiredness and fog which has been cast over every aspect of my life. I do not know how exactly to take action against this disease I feel developing inside me and infecting all the parts of my life I once enjoyed.
Today I attempted telling my mother about the poor mental state I am in (again) and received nothing except blame. Blaming all my negative feelings on myself and my actions. Once again, this leads me back to the lack of understanding in this world. Mental health is not an emotion and I cannot understand how people still do not see this. It is a sickness which creeps into your life slowly, draining all the joy out of things that once brought you euphoria. I see the good every situation and person, except for myself.
I am the only person in this world I hate. I hate myself for every little fault I make and then I hate myself for hating myself. I yearn to love myself, so why is it just so hard. No, I’m not talking about myself physically because I genuinely could not care fewer what people see me as on the outside, rather I hate my mind. I hate that I cannot stop thinking about everything. I cannot even fall asleep calmly because whenever I close my eyes it feels like I’m standing in the middle of an expressway of my own thoughts. I can’t finish getting one idea out of my head before another one comes, I feel as though my own brain is disorganized and cluttered.
I apologize but I desperately needed to get this out of my brain.