I am a loser, I now admit that. I have deeply hurt and devastated my wife who I have know for 21 years and married for 17.5 years. I could not face my own personal crisis and admit I needed help and talk to her. I cut her out of my life, my feelings, my emotions.
I detached from her and turned my attention to my next door neighbour’s wife. She was easy to reel in. I made up all sorts of lies and sob stories about how awful a person my wife was. When in reality my wife was a wonderful, loyal, loving and kind person who did not deserve all that I have done to her. Yes, I groomed this married neighbour to sleep with her thinking the excitement would come back to my life. It was easy – she was so gullible and believed all the lies I told her about my wife. She finally slept with me. My wife found out 3 days later and confronted me and then the other woman. We promised we’d not see or talk to each other. We lied or at least I lied to my wife. All I could think about was trying to convince this other woman to sleep with me again and again and again. I did not think about anything else. I did not care about anything else. I did not care when my wife found our text messages and caught us out together. I did not care when my wife said she had told our neighbour’s husband (who was my friend) what had been going on. But then I came to my senses and realised I could not deal with any of the fallout of what had happened. Every one of my neighbours in our small community thought I was a great guy, so helpful, so neighbourly. If they only knew the truth I would not be able to face them. So I ran away from my wife and responsibilities but not before I screamed and yelled right in her face, abuse that I never knew I felt or had in me. I psychologically tried to break her which didn’t work. And in the end I physically abused her. I tried to kill her.
We are now separated because I wanted this. She does not want to know me anymore. My life is not what I thought it would be. I thought if I got away from her I’d have an exciting and passionate life. The other woman stayed with her husband. I have ended up with nothing. My life is just mere existence now. I try to convince myself that I am better off, but in reality my life is not a life at all now. I am sorry Lisa for what I did to you. I know you never want to see me again or can forgive me for what I did, but I’m truly sorry for the hurt and all the awful things I said about never having loved you and that you destroyed my life. I destroyed my life all by myself. Why – I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure that out. Maybe one day I will be brave enough (and not the coward you called me) to face you and try and explain. But for now I tell the world that I was not and never was worthy of your love and trust. Your very sorry husband, Nick East