I am a loser, I now admit that. I have deeply hurt and devastated my wife who I have know for 21 years and married for 17.5 years. I could not face my own personal crisis and admit I needed help and talk to her. I cut her out of my life, my feelings, my emotions.
I detached from her and turned my attention to my next door neighbour’s wife. She was easy to reel in. I made up all sorts of lies and sob stories about how awful a person my wife was. When in reality my wife was a wonderful, loyal, loving and kind person who did not deserve all that I have done to her. Yes, I groomed this married neighbour to sleep with her thinking the excitement would come back to my life. It was easy – she was so gullible and believed all the lies I told her about my wife. She finally slept with me. My wife found out 3 days later and confronted me and then the other woman. We promised we’d not see or talk to each other. We lied or at least I lied to my wife. All I could think about was trying to convince this other woman to sleep with me again and again and again. I did not think about anything else. I did not care about anything else. I did not care when my wife found our text messages and caught us out together. I did not care when my wife said she had told our neighbour’s husband (who was my friend) what had been going on. But then I came to my senses and realised I could not deal with any of the fallout of what had happened. Every one of my neighbours in our small community thought I was a great guy, so helpful, so neighbourly. If they only knew the truth I would not be able to face them. So I ran away from my wife and responsibilities but not before I screamed and yelled right in her face, abuse that I never knew I felt or had in me. I psychologically tried to break her which didn’t work. And in the end I physically abused her. I tried to kill her.
We are now separated because I wanted this. She does not want to know me anymore. My life is not what I thought it would be. I thought if I got away from her I’d have an exciting and passionate life. The other woman stayed with her husband. I have ended up with nothing. My life is just mere existence now. I try to convince myself that I am better off, but in reality my life is not a life at all now. I am sorry Lisa for what I did to you. I know you never want to see me again or can forgive me for what I did, but I’m truly sorry for the hurt and all the awful things I said about never having loved you and that you destroyed my life. I destroyed my life all by myself. Why – I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure that out. Maybe one day I will be brave enough (and not the coward you called me) to face you and try and explain. But for now I tell the world that I was not and never was worthy of your love and trust. Your very sorry husband, Nick East
Look at it this way…you writing this will help keep others from making the same mistakes. It helped me, actually.
Can’t relate to the affair with your neighbor, but can relate to the anger and the urge to psychologically break someone. I recently separated from my GF of 6 years, and was thinking of being nasty…saying really mean things on my way out the door, “I never loved you”, “your life’s accomplishments are not that impressive”, ect.
Reading your experience has helped push towards the other side. And you know what? I still said a few mean things (initially). I told her to try not to be a slut (I cringe typing that)….thankfully that just got me the cold shoulder for a week before she finally emailed me and said a friendship is possible someday…maybe a year or two down the road. Waiting that long is still going to suck, of course…but i know i screwed up, and at least i know if i cool it now, someday i stand a decent chance of at least at getting a cup of coffee with her.
You even signed the note, brother. That takes balls. Your life is not just mere existence. Your life has helped me MAYBE live mine a little better (which will be hard because still an idiot sometimes). Not saying you shouldn’t have regrets or feel sad, but don’t go do anything rash.
I can relate to your story. In my case, my husband did the same thing you did after 30 years together. One day he was telling me I was the love of his life just to find out he has found someone else he was telling the same. He met her for just a few weeks and started a relationship that broke everything we had. He went thru the same thing you are going thru, wanted me to brake up with him because he was a coward and couldn’t do it himself. He knew what he has done and the pain he cased me and couldn’t handle it. As you did, he lied saying that it was over, but he was still communicating with this person until I found out and that was it for me. I devoted my life to him in every way possible and that was the reward. I don’t understand why people think that the grass is always greener in the other side instead of appreciating what they have. Once I confronted him the last time, we decided to try and work it out. It has been 30 years of our lives and he until then has been a good man so I gave him a 2nd chance. It has taken us 2 1/2 years worth counseling to get thru it. I’m still very much hurt. He has done everything possible to make it up to me, but the damage has been so much I sometimes don’t know how to let it go. There is not a day that goes by that I wonder what would had happened if instead of trying I just left. If what I did was the wright decision.. reading your blog kind of make me thing of what he is going thru. Just like you, I know he is very sorry for what he did and he says the same thing you do…that he is not worthy of me…. The fact that you admit to the mistake is the 1st step, it may take a long time, believe me I’m still not sure of my decision, but you can count that she is thinking on those 21 years together and the memories are very hard to forget. . I’m so sorry that it hasn’t work out for you yet, but it can still happen you need to give her time. If she is like me, the pain is too much and she needs time to heal. Just be aware that if you do want to get back together it will NOT be easy and it will take a long time and that it will have to be on her terms. I hope one day I can completely forgive my husband and that my heart heal. I will just advise you that you need to go and get help, from someone neutral to the situation. your friends are a great support if you confide in them, but it’s better if you go to a professional. You need to learn to forgive yourself 1st for what you did and them move on to whichever path you decide. I hope that you can work this out with your wife and wish you the best.