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I’ve been depressed now for too long

I’ve been depressed now for too long. It’s weird to be depressed even with a clear mind. It all started when I was 13 and discovered I had been lied to my entire life. Though really, a lot of it started when I was 12, my life took to a new chapter. My “best friends” well they all back-stabbed me one at a time. I’m gave them my all and undoubting trust. I believed in them and they were so much to me, but to them I wasn’t important. Most of them were older, so they took advantage of that. Some just gave up on me because we were different in the end. However or whyever it was the first break. I lived my whole life waiting to be 13 because that was the promised year. Things were supposed to happen that year, I was told since I was 2 that they would happen, but they didn’t. Not like I was told anyway. It was the first time I had any reason to doubt my father. Years progressed, one reason or another I couldn’t keep any friends and still can’t. I continued being lied to. I told those close to me what I thought was true only to find years later I was so wrong. I’m so sorry for it. I didn’t know it wasn’t true. People would always leave me and break my heart. Age 16, dad admitted one of his many lies. He’s not my real father. He had me believe it 16 years no question then threw the bomb on me. I might never know who I actually am. More tidal waves swept over and 19 years old I met my mom. We had met before when I was 6. Father always told me she was a killer. I believed him, once again. Not sure if I should. Now I’m not sure what to believe. That’s when mom said “he kidnapped you”…That’s when I question “what is my life?” were it a sick joke why so many tears cried. And my grandma died, she died slowly, in her pain she mocked me so lowly telling me I will never reach my dreams alive. I graduated from high school couldn’t be more upset and I even tried to throw my titles away. Who were they for? I handled the bullies by ignoring it as they drowned my name. It brought me so much pain. What did I ever graduate for? Who/what did I sit there for? I used to act out with violence then I found my way to peace but peace only tore me to pieces. I am broken. I am a broken person. I don’t even know who I am. I’ve never known. All I know is the many lies that have been told. Now in college, I’m not allowed to be on my own. Watched by the hawk who beats me dare I am bold. I’m so afraid. I have but one jewel to save me from more pain – the one who also like everyone hurts me in some way – my lover who takes the time to just hold me so I’m not alone and can be okay. Oh, if father didn’t hate him so I swear we’d be married now and my woes could melt away. It wouldn’t matter who I am because I could be my own somebody….except I’m not. I’m just always lied to and always thrown away…the fear of it happening once more puts me at dismay. I’m truly scared. How much can a heart bleed? How many times can a heart be brought back after being turned to dust? I am myself but I don’t even know who that person is. Who is that girl?

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