Hi. I’m just a 14 year old average girl, I’m cringey, autistic and a cancerous shit. I get thoughts about killing.myself. Jealousy runs through me, i crave happiness. I deserve happiness, i hope God grants me happiness when i die. I dislike my family, they criticize me and my personality. My parents continuously argue about money, and about us, me. I seem to getting hit will all of the bad luck out there, like why me? WHAT DID I EVEN DO WRONG? first, i fucking get operated for what? appendicitis, and then i break my leg right after that and missed school along with all of my course work and now i have depression, bc all the pressures piled onto me. My exams are next year and I haven’t even studied. Hate is a very strong word, I hate things, I dislike them. Nevertheless, I do hate someone and that someone.is.me. I hate myself so much, that I can’t even look in the mirror without flinching. I’m really ugly, people call me “cute” but c’mon we all know that’s bullshit. I envy my bestfriend in real life, shes “pretty” and im just here looking like a potato standing next to her. My mom says that im ungrateful for my life, but guess what? I DIDNT EVEN FUCKING WANT THIS LIFE, i’d rather not exist. My mom calls me special “gifted” i have the tendency to be right about certain things, and if i want something really badly to happen which isn’t bad, it happens. Im a “black tongue” like oKKKkkk. My mom says that i get bad luck bc God wants me to follow him, the right path. Many people do shit which is like extreme, God doesnt haunt them, they dont get smacked with bad luck unlike me, its because “im special” and what im doing is wrong. Smh, my mom just loves twisting shit into her own ways, bc if i was, am special then why hasnt God contacted me, WHY HASNT HE GIVEN ME CLUES AND HINTS OTHER THAN BAD LUCK? I wish i had the power to disappear, i want that. I look at everyone else, and wonder why im not a happy go lucky child, it’s because my life is hell. I want someone, who actually cares about me, who understands, who’s there for me BUT WHERE THAT PERSON AT THOUGH? I’m stupid for expressing my opinions, it makes me get into so much shit. I want a spidey sense bc of this, i need not want, I NEED A SPIDEY SENSE. oOOPS, My Ipad’s currently on 1%, i need music but my headphones dont work, my dad is now annoying me. cri. He moans about drifting away, but he already did 42424 years ago. I’m scared to go back to school, im scared and tired of living, im scared of dying. Y’all think you’re going to get peace if you kill yourselves, but you fucking won’t. You didnt get peace in this life, so why would you get peace in the next. My emotions and feelings are eating me out, im exhausted from life and frustrated. I hate myself, wby
I wish I had words to make you feel better … to understand that things can and will get better. I can be hard to see when your world feels like it is crashing around you and keeping you down. You are brave to share what is inside of you. You are not alone. You are obviously a fighter and have an opportunity to work through all that you are thinking, feeling and experiencing in a way that not only helps you find peace and happiness but, because you are strong, can share how you feel and help others too. People are flawed and we do tend to project our own stuff on others. Maybe your parents are trying to be supportive but it just isn’t the way you are wanting to hear it or receive it. Maybe they just aren’t equipped themselves to give you the best advice or dealing with their own problems, insecurities, issues from childhood, that they just don’t know how to communicate well with you. I’d try giving them a break and they might disappoint you less. I’d try giving yourself a break and you might find that some of the “bad luck” is just stuff that happens in life. Everyone has stuff. Sometimes it is just hard to see in others. Sometimes bad stuff happens to people at different times in life. Sometimes some of us are just stronger and can handle more than others. It’s not fun but you’ll find if you can bare it, it only makes life easier in the long run. You know how to dream and work hard and make things happen because of it. Anyway, I wish you well and hope you can find someone offline that is objective that you can really share with.