I’m 20 years old and I’ve attempted suicide twice.
I don’t know why I have depression, I don’t really understand it myself but i started to notice it in my teenage years. At my last year of college it became the worst and all I could think about all the time was killing myself, but I didn’t want to hurt the people around me. Well one day I got myself into an absolute state about something so little and I walked to the shops bought paracetamol and went to some quiet fields where I took 48 paracetamol. I was found and taken to hospital, spent about a week there. I felt so bad, people around me wanted to understand why I did it, I couldn’t tell them as I don’t truly know why myself. I just didn’t want to be alive I didn’t understand how anyone could want to be alive. Well after that things got a bit better, there was still a suicidal part of me but it was quiet for months. 10 months I think. Then one night I’m at a friends house, three of my work friends. I got into a bad mood. I didn’t want to talk to anyone and I panicked and I walked into their kitchen, picked up a kitchen knife and cut my wrist down to the bone. I just wanted to die and I thought that was a faultless plan I thought I’d bleed out within minutes and die. Well that didn’t happen. Someone came in and found me then started screaming and then all three of them were in the room shouting. One wrapped my arm in a tea towel and called an ambulance, another hid in the other room. And the third person, whose house it was, stood in the doorway shouting abuse at me. They then called others who came round and called me names, shouted at me, the paramedics had to tell them to stop having a go at me. So yeah I went to hospital had 8 hours of surgery because I’d cut the main artery the tendons and the nerves. So now I’m left with fewer friends (the girls from the night have ignored me since it happened) a massive scar on my wrist, and a hand that I can barely move and I can’t feel at all. Doctors are saying I’ll hopefully recover but it will take months or years. Not sure why I’ve written all of this down I really don’t like talking to anyone about it. I just really want to be better.