September 13,2016
It is 7:32 PM and I’m unsure of how I’m feeling. The days are shorter lately and I feel the winter blues coming on. Sitting here in my room just reflecting on the past months – I’ve been really unhappy. I turned 20 years old a few days ago and I feel like I’m running out of time. I know I can’t waste anymore time crying or stressing out over spilt milk. Everything that was my fault, I’ve owned up to it and tried to change/grow from it. But I see I’m still running in circles.. crying worrying thinking if it will ever improve. I feel so much hate for him – I’ve done so much to make it work, tried to always please him and make our marriage last. I feel humiliated by him, and his family, I feel disrespected and ashamed I let myself go through it all for so long. How dare people act this way, and forget all of the good things I did. I sacrificed so much for “love” and got back anxiety depression and PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) from it all. All you do is toy with my emotions and make me feel helpless, emotionally unstable and borderline psychotic.
All of the things you did wrong, you took me to another state and treated me so bad, you let others treat me wrong never standing up for me regardless of how much I cried to you and expressed my pain. You didn’t give a fuck. You put everyone else ahead of me, ignored my tears my pain my efforts. No one appreciated the efforts. You chose your aunt and her cousin over me that day and I’ll never forget it. I used to think maybe it is me… Maybe I’m the one who’s wrong (you always made it seem this way) but now I know I’m not. I went wrong when I dropped my whole life for you and decided to live life revolving you. So far, so alone hundreds of miles away from home dealing with drama/hell uncomfortable situations and depression. I decided to be sad with you than to be happy with someone else and you took all that and crumpled it up anyway. All the times you cursed at me, made me cry and did nothing when I was in pain – All the times you told me I’m a whore, I should leave, I’m a useless piece of meat, I’m nothing without makeup – The list is endless. You built hate in my heart for you. How can someone’s husband say such things to them. You went so far you provoked me into physically hurting you because I saw no other way of getting through to you. You brought the worst out of me. I destroyed everything. My school, friendships, connections, sacrificed time with my family. SO MUCH just to be with you and you threw me down like garbage. Now you use against me those phone calls, which gave your family so much ammo against me. They’ve been eagerly waiting for something like this, especially your stupid fuck mom and slut sister. Man I can’t wait till karma comes around to them, and you. For all the times you made me look like an idiot in front of everyone, abandoned me, chose others over me, cheated on me, insulted me, wasted my youth, for all the tears I cried, for all the days you ignored me, for the times you let me cry to sleep, for the times you left me alone in the room, fought over nothing, ignored my efforts, overlooked my sacrifices, belittled me, didn’t keep your promises, didn’t do your part, never stopped doing me wrong, I will never forget it I will never forgive you.
