I never thought it would happen to me.
In such a short amount of time, my husband and I had decided to have a baby, gotten pregnant, and miscarried. I could have never imagined the way I would feel. In about the span of three months we had gone off the pill and gotten pregnant. In week 6, we lost the baby.
To some people, they don’t understand why it is so upsetting to lose something you never really had. But that’s because from December 17th, the day I found out I was pregnant, to January 5th, we had already grown so attached to our baby. We had planned on how we would rearrange our home to make more room for new baby items. We had talked about names, bought pregnancy books, and shared the good news with our closest friends and families. We had even cleaned out a closet and started a baby stock pile. But beyond that, we had started to see a new future. A future for us as parents, and one for our baby. It is amazing how quickly you can start to fall in love with something, even if you never got to meet them.
I found out I was pregnant right around 3 weeks in with a home test. I had started feeling nauseous, and my breasts had been sore. In week four I started showing more symptoms. My boobs got SO sore I had to buy new bras without wires, and all of the sudden my food cravings were completely different. I was craving super healthy food and even the idea of coffee turned me off.
And like any good mom to be, I really started taking care of myself. I was eating spinach and fruit smoothies every morning for breakfast, drinking nothing but water, and researching the best yoga to try. But by week 5, I started to get concerned.
This is also the week I went to the doctor. All of the sudden my boobs stopped hurting. I had barely any nausea, though my food aversions were still there. But I was definitely feeling crampy and had spotting, and it was really starting to creep me out.
My doctor drew blood and called the next day to say my hcg levels were at 238. He said that wasn’t bad, it was just early and we wanted to see them double every other day. I was to come back a week later but otherwise everything looked normal. We also scheduled my ultra sound for January 12th.
A week came and went, and I had gotten so excited after our doctor visit. People tell you all the time not to get too excited, not to share until you’re out of the first trimester. But it is impossible to not get attached to something that you have to base every single thing you eat, drink, and do around. You are already providing for your baby, whether they are born or not.
We asked the doctor to call my husband with the results the next day. I’m a teacher and it is impossible for me to take phone calls during the day, not to mention that if the phone call had any bad news, I knew there was no way I’d be able to look at 22 little faces and keep up my spirits. So, I went to work and waited to hear from him.
It must have been some kind of sign that I had left that day, two whole minutes before the doctor called. He told my husband my levels had stayed the same, and if I hadn’t already begun I would soon miscarry.
The look on my husband’s face as I got home and he had to sit me down and tell me – I feel awful he had to give me that news. And after that I was just devastated. It is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. I felt hopeless and just in shock. I never thought that I would lose this baby. I’m sure no one ever thinks it will happen to them, and there is really nothing that can compare you for it.
Now, a few days later, I am starting to finally feel a little bit better. I found some comfort in ordering a beautiful lotus and gemstone necklace with stones that aide in hope, healing, and protection. I see it as a nice way to remember my loss but also bring hope to when we try again. Telling my friends and family was extremely difficult, and I even started to get irritated by their responses. That sounds horrible, but when you have a loss you really don’t want to hear things like “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling” or “it will get better with time.”
There is part of me that can’t wait until we can start trying again, and another part that is terrified of having to feel like this all over again. I still don’t want coffee because I had stopped drinking it for my baby and I feel guilty drinking it now. I started unfollowing Facebook friends that had just had a baby. These things may sound irrational but grief, is not a rational thing.
In no way do I claim to be any type of expert but this is my experience. I hope that this brings some sort of comfort to someone. Because if you are anything like me, you couldn’t stop googling trying to find something to comfort you, some answers, or even just hear someone who felt your pain.