I don’t know what is wrong with me? It’s like I change with languages. At home when I’m speaking my own language I feel like I’m speaking it in a different voice, attitude and person. At school, when I have to speak English, I am shy, nice and weird. In my old school, in my country I was not a nice person, I was always complaining, not lending stuff to people, arrogant, over confident. The change is so involuntary that I can’t but speak that way.
To a part, it’s also that Australia doesn’t seem like a home to me. It’s been 7 months here but I don’t like my small, ugly house with practically no space and seems a hundred years old. I miss my beautiful home back there. My mum isn’t getting any jobs. I feel a strange kind of anxiety in my chest always. When I go outside, anywhere, like a grocery store, I’m scared to ask anyone anything. I doubt myself so much. I feel like everyone’s looking at me and that’s probably why they’re laughing. Friends! nah! not like I had, my two dear best friends whom I miss so very much. I don’t like my job at one of the fast food retailers, I do but sometimes there’s another problem I have. Listening! Sometimes I don’t get what my co-worker or the customer said, I ask again and I get back and arrogant reply. I don’t know if this is just me or what.
I find it really hard to talk to people, a conversation is something I can never do. I so much want to be able to be free to express myself as myself but feel bound to something. I have no idea, literally no idea, what is wrong with me, what I should do to improve myself. I want to be funny, have humour and be confident.
I also find it difficult to talk to boys. I feel scared, what if they make fun of me? That’s what I am constantly thinking. So, I stay stuck with a problem just that I don’t want ask a male teacher. I only ask for help from a female co-worker at work or tell her to convey whatever the problem is.
I was not like this in India. I was very brave, confident and smart young girl.
I love Australia, it’s beautiful and full of opportunities, I want to stay here as well but I need help discovering myself here. I am really wondering if you have any suggestions of what should I do to be comfortable with English, I can speak it with my mouth but not heart! Why? why am I always scared? Any idea?