Hey everyone! I’m an 18 years old girl doing graduation.

4 years back, if you meet me you’ll probably call me smiling face, chirpy, friendly, good. I really used to be the happiest.

Now today 2017, my first impression would be like silent, reserved, mysterious, good. I am still happy but…

Before the age of 13 or 14 I was most busy with my studies. I liked to study a lot. Then the puberty hits and you involve more in your friends. I was so good at making friends and I was quite popular too so I had everybody around me. But each friend of me, sometime or the other, would take advantage of my anything, ditch me, blame me, leave me.

I was a little tomboyish so I never thought of having a boyfriend but friends. When I look back in my past, I never got someone true to me everybody used me even for the slightest things. I’m an over thinker so those little lies caused big harms to my mind. I remember how after getting hurt by a friend, I used to promise myself not to be close to any other friend. But this is not how it works you need people around you and can’t live alone forever. So, I kept making friends they kept hurting me and it went on.

Then I came in contact with a guy in 2014.

He was good and charming with so many qualities including ego. He liked me for a long time but we never talked so couldn’t tell me. He proposed me one day and I denied because I wasn’t sure about him at that time then we been friends meanwhile I fell for him. But I couldn’t tell although he knew this. So, it was kind of more than friends between us he used to often say he likes me suddenly he got a new girl. I was surprised but quiet. I would just let him be. I tried to bring things back to being just friends between two of us but nothing settled. He wanted me by his side for life but as a friend. And he wanted me to talk like before (like we used to talk as more than friends). I wanted to move on but he never let me do so.

I been with him for a long time in between he broke up with his girlfiend and also, he had his IIT exam to which he couldn’t? make. After that he started talking to me rudely, very rudely. I tried to rest myself with the explanation that he’s hurt for his result. And one day he said things to me that I never expected. I didn’t keep shut that day though and gave him back what he deserved. I didn’t talk to him after that too.

After this incident I changed. I cried for days remembering all the things every friend of me did to me. I developed fear of facing people, making them friends. I always felt like they are going to leave me someday. I couldn’t study due to which I went into depression. I could not share my feelings to people around me because I don’t know how to. I just spend more time with me. I have learnt to be alone.

Well this is not my whole life. I am happier other days, though I’m kind of alone but not lonely unless something disappointing happens. Once I’m stressed my mind flashbacks all those things relating to that guy and every other girl and guy friend who couldn’t stand by me when I stood for them.
There are some people who I know can company me and may bring me out of this emptiness but they want me as a girlfriend. But now I don’t feel like making someone friend, being in a relationship is really far. And I’m not someone who comes in relationship just to get over past.
Some of you might have gone through this. And others may be having much more experience that they can guide me. Please suggest me something I don’t like this part of me.