I’m depressed because of the realization of loneliness. Not through social media, but by relationship.

Excuse me for the cringe and edgy load I’m about to drop later on, but when I was a kid I thought I was fine and amazing boy. I laughed with friends and enjoyed playing video games. I then went to eight grade. I was happy, but I did not know what would come in the future. I saw the most beautiful girl in my eyes. I fell into deep, deep, deep love. But she was a totally different person. I was the ugly boy who talks really loud and is always hanging out with his friends. I never talked to anyone else. And she was the type of girl that almost everyone in school hung out with. I completely ignored that at the time. I felt so careless and happy. I had the chance to meet such a pretty girl, had a lot of cringy friends, and had so much entertainment at home. You may call these the very things I lived for (other than family of course). Until something unpredictable happened. My only entertainment was gone.

In my house, I had no Wi-Fi. All I had was a PS3 that I always played. And the console was claimed by the dark abyss. This made a drastic change. It made me want to die because I was so damn bored. I was then isolated. My parents were always gone, my older sisters had left us to make their own lives, and my only connection to the outside world, gone. my only entertainment, taken away from me. So much that meant a lot to me, out of my hands. I soon felt bored and started to go mentally insane. I saw I had no one to be with and nothing else to love (materialistically). After that thought came by, more and more branched out. Like; “If almost all my relatives say I’m fat, it must be true” “Was I really that horrible?”, “Why couldn’t I just shut up and stop being such an annoyance to others”, “how come none of my friends ever told that I was such a fool”, and “Why was I so ignorant to not take note of the position I was in instead totally making a fool of myself”. (Here comes the tragic love story…)

I then thought of the time I had wished on a star saying, “I wish I could have love in 8th grade”. Proceeding to keep this as hope for me. Hoping that I can fully experience love. That there could be beauty in a beast as horrendous as me. That the girl I loved so damn much can actually notice me. Edgy moments after edgy days passed by. The end of the year came. I then saw her, more beautiful than ever. She was receiving an award from promotion. Sitting there, almost melting from her beauty, I thought, “maybe there’s a chance. And soon I saw her leaving. I almost cried. Because everything I had ever believed in, was gone. I became even more depressed. It was enough to hang myself, but not enough to overcome the fears that would haunt me if I did. And now I’m stuck in a life full of anxiety, stress, and envy towards any other person who has love. But mostly, I’m living in despair.

Because I believed so damn much on something that wasn’t real. I loved her with all my heart and soul. but that did nothing. I’m now regretting my existence. And once I leave my parent’s home, I’ll have nothing but a stupid job and a two-bedroom house with no one to share it with. The only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is for my friends, my little brother, and dank meme compilation videos (lol). As you see, depression is not only from phones, but not being recognized because of the body or unfortunate circumstances that the majority have been cursed with.?