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I have a constant thought of slitting my throat

My life has been shit. There were nice things. But still my childhood has been a real mess. The only thing that has been keeping me alive was my 2 years older sister. I felt the love was so strong between us and I’d never wanted to hurt her. Now at this point I am somewhat happy about being alive, but still I have a constant thought of slitting my throat, jumping of a building or take a cocktail of medication. There are so many people available to help me, I have been in therapy, I had pills for my depression, but it feels like there hasn’t been any change. My life has changed, a lot of things are better only the feeling about myself and my life did not really change.

Every day I am smoking weed. To keep myself safe from me. All I would want is a constant feeling of love. Not as in happiness, but a stable-ish relationship. I don’t care about the fights that come with it. I want someone. Every time I get the chance I go with the wrong person. I’m kind of smart, I suppose to be sort of wise compared to the most people I know. Every time I fix it to make the idiot choice.

I can’t talk to anyone about what is really going on, I know what they are going to say. There is nothing else to say but it is not what I need.

Sometimes I feel like I am overreacting by my life. but here I am, smoking a joint in my bed, eating my own cooking because my father is working late, and I cannot be with my mom. I am a 16-year-old girl, I was highly intelligent, people often think I am really pretty, also find me nice, they think I am out of their league. I don’t feel that way, I am bored, I am scared, and the worst thing is, I feel like I am never really me.

One Comment

  1. You have to realize that weather or not your life is good or bad, YOU HAVE ONE. And treasure it. I may not know you and I probably never will but knowing there might be a girl who killed herself hurts me. Your life may suck right now. But you’re 16 years old! There’s so much time for you. My advice? Make an effort. When you go to school listen to conversations and see if you can find people you want to talk to. Then hang out with them. Then start a relationship. TRY. You do sound smart and you need to think of the future. What do you want to do in life? If you don’t know then research all the jobs possible. You can find a reason to live even if it’s small. And that sister? Imagine if you did jump off a roof, slit your throat, or overdosed. She would be devestated. Don’t do that to her. Keep going. I believe in you.

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