Pain pain is what makes people end their life’s pain is what millions of people suffer every day.
Me being one of them. A lot of people try to help but I don’t work because what people don’t understand is that a lot of people shut off from everyone to make them self-feel safe. Which is true it does make you feel safe but why. Well if you shut off who can tell you your ugly no one because you don’t listen.
Who can tell you that your nothing no one but that’s not true because you see when you are in pain you do listen to everyone or anyone to hope they show you care and love and support but no.
Depression is an illness people fight every day and some people can’t because they are suffering too much.
I have been one of these people. There have been quite a few very down times in my life where I have felt alone and like no one cares and the pain got so extreme I gave up. I’m not writing this to show anyone I am writing this so if I need help someone can know what I have been through. It all started in school.
First few years they were all right I had a couple of friends and always had these friends.
I still have them now but in the third year of my high school life that’s when things started to turn.
I seemed like everyone hated me. I would walk into school not thinking what am I going to learn today I would walk into school wondering what names I would be called. A few like Your ugly.
You’re a scaff, No one likes you. Why are you still here? Why are you a weirdo this was only a few names.
Yes, they say sticks and stones will break your bones, but names will never hurt but they do, and they hurt a lot the first scary moment I had was in 4th year. I got sick of it and I was in tears every night hoping and praying someone would care someone would hug me and tell me everything’s fine, but I felt empty no one was talking to me I sat alone every lunch, and no one seen the pain I was in.
One night I gave up I had been crying for nights on nights and I needed an easy way out and unfortunately, I tried to end my life. Until the moment of someone caring stopped me. I was ready to jump I had already lost my mind, but one guy saved me he grabbed me and stopped me from doing something I regret. He made sure I got home, and everything was the same as before but this time I found out someone cares and my family care. But when you are hurt badly you don’t see that you don’t see anyone. I left school because I needed to start fresh and I did I became confident and I felt like me and I was never turning back. I knew it would never leave completely but I was numbing it by putting a smile on my face and saying everything was fine. I got myself a job a girlfriend and I started getting happier and happier and now when typing this yes, I’m happy life is very tough at the moment for me, but I am being as strong as I can because I have friends who need me to care. I care for them the way I never had been care for by friends I give them a friendly hand and I make sure they are okay. I look at it like as long as my friends are happy I will try to be. Right now, I have a lot on my plate that I am struggling to keep control of.
Insecure. No money. Looking for work. and a lot more. It’s hard it really is. But I want to let anyone who I may let read this to know that I’m here I love you all you are all beautiful and perfect and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise because it is not there right.
Where do I start. My first love scarred me for life, my first love made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for anyone.
My first love made me think I was ugly. It made me feel worthless. And made me feel like no one cares and no one loves me when I know deep down the do and they care. Deep down I know that people care and love me, but I just can’t tell myself that because I feel insecure about everything in my life and it rips me apart every day and gets to me sometime gets me harder than other times. So, I start back in high school. My first love was when I was 16. I fell for this girl who I had been speaking to for years.
We were best friends for years and I felt like she cared and loved me for who I am. So, I started falling and before I knew it I wanted to tell her how I felt but I was so scared I was getting called names horrible names in high school. I was verbally bullied bad. This girl was the only person that cared, and I was scared to lose her. But after a long time of seeing her get with other boys and see myself help her relationship problems and helped her get back with ex’s even though I was falling in love with her. I finally told her how I feel. She told me she only seen me as a friend 🙁 I understood but still wanted to be friends as she was the one girl that was there all the time. This is when she changed for with me to against me. It started of small like little hurtful words, but it got worse. She started calling me very very hurtful things. I was heart-breaking when the one girl I cared about started hurting me. She would hurt me bad and I’d be in a lot of pain and she would come back and apologise, and I’d accept because I was in love.
She kept doing it and I would run back it got to the point where she would ask to hang out and id sit there watching her kiss another boy to the point where I would walk away in pain and she wouldn’t even see me. I got worse and worse to the point everyone was hurting me I had no one I was in tears every night, but I tried to keep going until one word was said to me that hurt the most. I was empty had nothing. I didn’t want to suffer and the only solution I seen was ending my life the pain got so painful I left told my mum and brothers I love them and tried to end it. But I couldn’t my brothers said they wanted to play football when I was back I couldn’t let them find out I’m gone. They needed a role modelled. So, I sat at the end of a cliff and just cried and cried for hours until I could finally go home. Love is painful. Love breaks your heart, but you need someone to tell you it’s all right. You need someone to be on your team.
You will find it. I have. I didn’t think I ever would, but I have a girl now and we love each other and stand with each other. Love is tough it’s never easy.