I was six the first time I was sexually abused. I was sitting on a trusted adults lap when his hand slowly started to rub my back, then he lifted my dress and told me he was just wanting to make me feel comfortable, then he came to the front and started touching my stomach, and it kept going.
For three weeks this man started to train me to please him in whatever way he desired. He made me feel worthless and vile and like everything was my fault. I had made him do these things to me.
Following this I had issues with trusting people, I wouldn’t talk to people unless they talked to me first, I had issues with eating, I became physically sick, I became mentally sick, I wanted to hurt on the outside because I was hurting on the inside…I was six.
For the next three years for three to four weeks, and on some holidays, I was around this man and he was around me. He took everything I had and made it his. He took things that I was supposed to have a choice in giving. And the most sickening thing is when he was finally done with me and I was free of him.
I began to feel empty and even more worthless. I felt that I was less than dirt and started to treat myself like this. I started to self-harm at the age of thirteen. I scratched, I pulled, I punched, I burned, I cut, anything to make me feel pain and punish.
But, that wasn’t enough, so I fell into the trap and cycle of abuse and allowed myself to fall into relationships that harmed me. I was trapped in the dark, and no light was available to me. I hated myself. I planned to kill myself. But, I couldn’t do that to my family. So, I picked myself up and moved on. I have people in my life now that have made me want to be better, and while I still have issues, and I relapse a lot. I am getting better.
And for the first time in my life I can see hope.