Hi there. I’m soon to be seventeen years old. Well I just need to pour some of my story because I couldn’t take it anymore and I don’t have the courage to kill myself. So, I am basically suffering. I don’t know how to explain my feeling right now.
I feel so suffocated. I feel like there’s no place for me to breath in this world. I need someone to support me, to stay by my side, to give me advice, to hug me when I feel sad, to laugh with me when I am happy, and stuffs. But, that kind of things won’t happen to me. I just knew it from a long time ago and I just hope that one of that wishes will come true. If one of it come true, will I feel happiness? even just a little? I don’t know.
I’m currently in my final year of high school. Yes, at where I live, we usually graduate in their eighteens. But I got in school a little bit earlier than anyone else, so I will graduate in seventeens.
Soon, there’s going to be exams. There’s still three important exams that I need to pass in order to get high score and get jobs.
I feel pressured. I feel stupid. In my class, you can say I am those quite people who just usually hang with “close” one only. I don’t really have friends at school. It’s the opposite actually, I always be the one who targeted for no reason. But not in bully that you imagine. Just says sarcasms. But those sarcasms does make me sad. I didn’t do anything wrong. I never insult them, gossiping them, talk bad about them. Never. Then why? why they always targeting me. I guess that’s the reason why I was born.
I’m not smart either. I’m just an average girl who just want to graduate as fast as possible and get some jobs and I can help my family’s dream come true. Is it wrong for me to think like that? My family. I used to be a happy girl. I loved my family. I truly loved them. But now, I still love them but not as much as I love them before now. I notice that the more I grow up, the more they don’t care about me, I am just like a wall. Who always listen them talking and when it’s my turn to talk, no one listen to me. Even if they listen to me, they just say “oh yeah. you shouldn’t do that, is that so.” and stuff like that.
Can’t they at least considerate my feeling? Am I really their child? Was I really born from this family? those questions starting to fill my minds all the time. I hate the fact that whenever I am happy, in a few hours later there’s always going to be some problems that will ruin my happy mood and I will always be the one who gets to spit by fire. It’s not fair. Why can’t I be like anyone else?
Until one day, I thought of something. Maybe I wasn’t allowed to feel “happiness” at all. That’s why there’s always problem come whenever I am happy.
Last year, I met my junior high friend. She’s a she. We became really close. As I love her so so so much. I know she loves me too. But we love each other as friends of course xD
We usually exchange our stories, hang out together, do a lot of stuff together. I wish I can be one school with her. But unfortunately, I am in Vocational high school while she in high school. That sucks. I want to meet her every day. But we cannot. So, we always chatted to each other until a weeks ago.
I feel somethings change. She, my best friend. I feel we are so far away from each other. She’s been quite busy these days. I tried to positive thinking, but I just couldn’t forget the fact that I keep thinking that “what if one day she leaves me, please don’t leave me” I am so afraid of missing her. What should I do?
I can sense that the inside of me is screaming, Asking for help. But no one notice, and no one would ever notice. I just keep those feeling deep inside my heart. I wanted to take a suicide so many times already. But I just don’t have the nerve to do it.
Here I am. still sitting here all alone writing this long long long story.
Well, I hope you’ll enjoy your day! I wish you the best!
Please stay healthy and thank you for reading this boring story <3