When you have just 1 of these issues, you get stressed. Imagine having all of those at a single time. It’s been a really really tough time for me lately.
I have an exam in the coming month. It’s just 1 exam. How important? Well, all the hard work I’ve put in past 3 years will be concluded by that exam. When others had fun, I was studying. When others were partying, I was studying. When others were sleeping, I was still studying. And If I don’t perform well on that exam – it’ll all be a waste! Just a waste.
At present, about 1 month is left for my exam and I can’t concentrate. Yeah, the biggest exam of my life and I still can’t concentrate (how stupid can someone be to do that?) This is obviously why I’m here, writing this blog. Why is that? Well, there are a lot of reasons, but I’ll skip to the most problematic ones, to not only save time but stick to the point as well.
1. I’m a big fucking masturbation addict. Now, this usually happens to me when I’m alone. Right now, I don’t have time to hang out and to discuss this with others as well (because of my coming exam). Plus, it’s embarrassing to share this with your friend. So yeah, basically that’s the first big reason.
No, I’m not a porn-addict actually. It’s kind of that situation when your hands start touching your pubic part automatically, you suddenly have a boner in 5 seconds and you start masturbating in 10 seconds (looking at pictures of my fucking ex rather than porn). It’s hard, really hard to control myself. Sometimes, I can manage to not fap for a day & the next day, I would want to masturbate once (like to reward myself) and by night, I have masturbated about 3-4 times (not sure if that’s a huge number to be a masturbating addict or not but that’s not the point.)
The point is – I LOSE CONCENTRATION, FOCUS AND ENERGY. It is affecting my studies & health, DRASTICALLY. Look, it’s just hard times.
2. One of the reasons why I’m so alone today is that the people whom I adored and trusted, dumped me and threw me away like I never ever mattered. My girlfriend of 2 years, whom I loved more than anything, left me for some bloke she met 3 days ago (the day she left me).
*NOTE* – You can skip the next 2 paragraphs if you don’t care about our relationship drama and crap.
Now we definitely had problems. We were not fighting or something. Just, the intensity seemed gone. We were not feeling it. We started talking less, and less. Roughly, one can say that we were getting bored with each other. So, the day she told me that she wanted to break up, she gave pretty much the same excuse and did tell about that bloke as well. The stupid part is that I was okay with that. YEAH! I literally told her: “Babe! I think it is clear that you are not feeling it. So, if this is what you want, I respect your decision.”
And she just replied back with a cute emoji (we were texting) and in a blink – she was gone. Never looked back.
The thing is, I was not aware of what’s going to happen to me. I was thinking about her happiness and I REALLY THOUGHT I’LL BE OKAY.
Oh boy! HOW WRONG I WAS!!!
Okay? I literally started crying like a baby just 2-3 weeks after this happened. I mean, I was anticipating that she would get over me, but so easily? NO, I DID FUCKING NOT.
I was expecting her to at least talk to me and ask if I’m all right, but she just ignored the fuck outta me.
In just a few weeks, her pictures start getting uploaded (with her bf) and all of my friends were talking about it. I felt like shit! Really, I did.
I started missing her. I wanted her back so fucking badly. But Like I said, she didn’t look back (not even once) so yeah, IT ONCE AGAIN MADE ME LOSE MY FOCUS, CONCENTRATION.
3. You combine both of that and you’ll meet a guy, who wakes up, start studying – lose focus about 10 times and it’s just not worth it eventually. You’re disappointed with yourself.
These days, I am waking up at 3:30 AM and sleeping at 9:00/9:30 PM. Minus the time you relax, eat, bath, do regular stuff and you still should be studying for 15 hours a day. In my case, I lose focus so many times that I am actually studying for just 6-7 hours a day. What’s the fucking point of getting up so early then? I don’t have any problem getting up early. 4:00 AM TO 8:00 AM is the time when I’m actually giving my best. Things start to get worse after that.
Now Why am I writing shit anonymously, because:
1. I really needed to share this.
2. I want to change myself and it needs to start tomorrow.
3. I don’t want to try alone. Because I have tried that and failed. I need someone with whom I can share my progress with.
4. So, from now on, I’m thinking about writing a blog every night – sharing my progress publicly (& anonymously at the same time if that’s possible?).
It would also kind of make me feel that I’m not alone, there are people looking at me from today onwards. So, I need to prove something to them as well.
I have already wasted a hell lot of time lately. So, covering all of that in 1 month will be hard. This is why I badly need the support of you guys. Just respond, would you?
I need to bring the best out of myself in the next 30 days – every reply would mean a lot.
*EXTRA*: I have no idea how this website works. Am I allowed to blog again, like a thread or do I need to do that on another website? Just let me know about that as well. I’d still like to keep things anonymous btw so Facebook and any stupid app like that are not invited. Thank you in advance!
Pardon my English. It is not my mother tongue.
LOL! I consumed 1 hour to type all of this without knowing if this will actually work or not.