As I lived my life from a child to a teenage adult…
I always knew I wanted, needed, had to do something, but I never knew what It was. As every kid, I had to find something I FELT was my passion. I didn’t know much, so I didn’t think much. I just walked outside, climbed trees, broke sticks, role played, watched tv, watched the chickens, ate food. As enjoyable as it was, I was still unable to really find myself in these situations.
No matter how far I walked, many trees I climbed, many sticks I broke, many roles I played, many shows I watched, much food I ate, I couldn’t feel as though I was being the best of myself that I could be. I had an imagination. Every tree I climbed I had a fear of height, but I wanted to see the world as it was in my head, full of green, lights, reflective water, movement, life. My imagination when breaking sticks and twigs was to leave my mark wherever I went. I played roles from movies that played in my head, I was the main, usually the good character. I watched tv to inspire my ideas, to be better. Watching chickens was my way of giving myself a presence. I also played with frogs and other living things, because I wanted to be everyones friend.
I felt that if I left this thing alone, I would be hypocritical for feeling lonely. They sometimes tried to run from me, and I felt bad for myself, but I also felt bad that I’m forcing these creatures to be with me, so I knew I had to let them go. I just wanted to show them that I value their life and existence, and that if they lost their life, I will give them a home within this earth, so even when lifeless, they would still exist. Not all of them, if any, stayed with me because they had their own homes to return to. I too had a loving family of my own. But for some reason I wanted more than a family, I wanted friends. I never really had friends as a kid outside of school. Even in school I was struggling to fit in. Everyone seemed so different from me, but they knew how to be like eachother. In my times of bore and confusion I drew. I learned how to draw from my Grandpa and my Dad.
Drawing felt so comforting and fun. It was something I felt passionate about. I was able to express myself and leave my mark unlike what I could do with people. When I’m drawing I could put my imagination wherever i wanted without bothering anyone. For whenever I tried to express myself to others I was either too shy or too afraid I was too emotional. I just wanted to show everyone that I valued them. But because i lacked the ability to focus on liking them rather than just loving them, I didn’t get anywhere. They didn’t know me much besides that I’m a drawer, I didn’t know them much besides that they were my friends. I tried to be more like them, but I didn’t feel right. I felt that I was thinking too much about what I saw, rather than what I knew. I knew that I should keep being myself, but the problem was, I didn’t know who I was. I was trying to see what I could be. I wanted to be a cool kid, but I also wanted to be a nerdy kid, instead I ended up being in between all of that. Instead I only existed, rather than lived. The only time I could really live was when I was alone, drawing, doing things that I do. As I grew older, I thought more and did more things and tried to learn how to express myself to others. To the girl I loved so much, but didn’t show enough interest towards, to the teachers I appreciated so much but couldn’t ask more from. I was stuck in the middle, unable to find myself in the situation of wanting to know more. I don’t like sappiness, nor did I like ignoring my feelings, but I was confused on how to express myself without showing too much.
So I drew, wrote, grew, thought, but I didn’t talk. I only stood there and watched things happen before my open eyes, with a closed heart. I knew I was too emotional, so I hid my heart. Like a dragon in its cave I could sleep and dream all day, but when I’m bothered, I go on an outrage, then I disappear again. As I realized the pain I caused, I learned to control my emotions, to the point of what It seemed to others that I was emotionless, careless, to the point that I even was. I knew I wasn’t, but sometimes I was, and I hated it. I wanted to erase myself and become a completely new person, but I couldn’t if I didn’t know who I was. People could see who I was, but they didn’t know who I was. It was the fact that I could only show myself through my clothing, my drawings, my poems, my excessive thoughts, my art, my vibe, but not my true feelings. I couldn’t tell them, because I thought it was too much. But now, I’ve realized something, that I thought too much, and felt too little. As a kid I did feel a lot, I just lost myself somewhere on the way. I lived too much thinking about what could be rather than what is. That’s why I’m so intrigued by Bruce Lee and when he says “Don’t think. FEEL.” (You can feel it when saying it) When the moment comes, don’t sit and wait, grab hold of it, otherwise you’ll be lost in the race that is actually a chase that may never be yours to embrace. I know who I am now, I just had to realize.