Ever since I was sexually assaulted, I’ve felt like I’ve just been drifting through life and making decisions I wouldn’t have made before it happened. I’ve had friends tell me that I need to stop before I do something I regret. I understand what they are talking about, but I just can’t seem to get it in my head to actually stop.
In grade 9 I was okay and never did anything wrong except skip a few classes when I didn’t want to go. But grade ten is different. I feel like I matured when I know I didn’t. I have been partying and getting a drunk a lot and I’ve been hanging out with older guys when I know I shouldn’t be.
I have been lying to my parents and sneaking out to hang with people who I shouldn’t be hanging out with. Just last week I started talking to this guy who’s eighteen and he does not go to my school or anything and we have never met until one night when he was drunk, he invited me to hang out and I agreed. I didn’t think much and he was driving drunk and still drinking while driving and he kept offering my stuff to drink so I started chugging down vodka until next thing you know I’m shit faced with a guy I barley know in his truck and we are stopped at the beach and I’m feeling tired and I decide to climb into the back seat of his truck and then he joins me and we start kissing and he takes of my shirt and I let him and then we start getting pretty serious and he’s about to have sex with me and I finally realized what was going.
Where I was and I didn’t want to be known as the girl who has sex with random guys in there truck and I was about to tell him to stop and then my mind blanks again and I realized other than fully having sex I’ve experienced everything else just in a different way and I thought this is my one chance to have control over my body and make a decision like this. Because the first time it almost happened I was unconscious in my room and I didn’t consent to it so this time I did and after it ended we laid on his seat for a half hour then he dropped me off again at my house and its almost 3 I the morning and then the next week he just ignored me and does not talk to me before cutting off all contact with me and that’s when I realized I need to try and get my life back in order. But it’s hard because I’ve already spiralled so much, and I don’t know how to do it.
There is an old saying. You are not a failure for falling down but for staying down. So get up and get yourself together. You can do this??
Trust yourself and move on strongly!!
Its been 3 years. ihope you moved on. It is natural to spiral down after trauma, for many reasons – numbing the pain or self-destruction, but you recognized it and stopped. I hope you managed ok.