I’m depressed for many reasons and for no reason at all. Once I say out loud the reasons that make me depressed I find out how they’re so stupid for me to be depressed. Maybe I’m depressed because I do not have a real reason to be, or maybe because it’s so easy to just be depressed and lazy and listening to sad music and watching comedy like Family Guy. It’s just much easier than to work hard and prove myself, which is what would take me out of depression and I know it. But somehow I mock hard workers and find that they are too naive and spend too much effort for nothing; I mean one day they’ll also be depressed, and all that hard work is useless.
Sometimes I’m depressed because when I look back at my life, I find a person who doesn’t take his life seriously, someone weak, stupid and just pathetic. So I stop looking back at my life, maybe because I don’t dare, it just makes it worse. Maybe the way out of depression is to stop looking back at your life and just going for the future. But where does the future lead me, and would I be any happier there, what if I make mistakes and make it worse? Will I be stuck for the rest of my life in my place between “what” and “if?”. I know I should do something about it.
Sometimes I think maybe I got some sort of mental disorder and that’s why I’m like this. But I heard medications just make it worse, and even the evidence that there’s such thing as a mental disorder is none. But what if mental disorders do exist, does that mean happiness is just a matter of genetics? Luck? Some people get to be happy while others are doomed to depression for their lives?
Maybe I’m just weak, and unsuccessful, maybe that’s why some people end up homeless and living in the streets, because they’re like me. they just are, and I just am.
On the other hand, when I worked hard and tried to accomplish things and just be honest and friendly with people, I got to be happy, and also got to be sad, but I was able to accept that and move on. But when I do that, I end up doing stupid mistakes which make me depressed in the first place. Maybe that’s why I prefer to stop and not take any other steps, so I wont regret them. Maybe if I don’t act, I wont be surprised when any bad thing happens.
People relate to each other when they talk about depression, however uncommon their experiences are. I hope you related to mine, if not, then I’m just different than everybody else…