I’ve been depressed for a while because I’m a closet gay. It feels like the only times I feel happy/normal are when I forget about the reality that I’m gay. The reality that I won’t be able to have kids (which I want BADLY, to teach them everything I’ve learned in my life, while they are growing up), the reality that I won’t have an average house with an average car, average friends who like average things. I don’t want a life as a single man in a city apartment by himself forever. All my school friends are starting to get married and have kids, and with this day in age, due to Facebook, my life (or lack of) will be advertised. Turning to religion hasn’t helped – even if I accept who I am, there’s still the majority of the world who thinks being gay is at least ‘interesting’. I really hate that!!!!. Even if I run away and start life over (as in new friends and new self image), my family will receive the embarrassment and taunts and gossip behind their backs about me). I’m really smart by the way, I go to university and am studying engineering. But I think I’m so smart that I can’t kid myself into thinking that my life will be OK. I’ve seen the path a gay man takes a lot of times and I can say, it was easier for them a decade ago when they were coming out. Even though the tolerance is higher now, everyone’s lives are put on show for the world via Facebook and stuff. If I delete my Facebook my friends will think I’m antisocial. I also hate that my parents have, and still are, ultimately wasting their time, effort, sacrifices and love on a dud like me. It’s not so much about denying who I am, it’s more about not being able to be who I want to be (have a wife and kids, be seen as normal). For those who think being normal is boring, I say being normal keeps yourself happy and there is no attention drawn to you which is almost always good. If I had to choose between being a noble prize winner, a down to earth celebrity, or a man who lived happily and healthily with a wife and kids, I’d go for the last choice. For those who think that my life is at least better than someone with no legs, or someone in a third world country, I say there are people even more fortunate than me – who can have kids and hold a good job – that are murderers and drug traffickers, throwing their lives away. I can’t drop this and ‘move the f*** on because it’s not something that I can leave in the past. It’s with me for the rest of my life, and the fact that it keeps resurfacing in my mind when someone asks “so you got a girlfriend?”, or if I see a happy couple with kids, adds more pressure to me wanting to stop living like this, as a gay man, or altogether.
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