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I was born into a family that you only e …

I was born into a family that you only ever hear about on the news. My mum and dad would leave me at home alone for sometimes a couple days, I was just baby I couldn’t even crawl yet. My diaper would be full, I would stink and be screaming from hunger. My mum couldn’t handle my crying anymore so she would drug me to put me to sleep. If I didn’t behave they would take my food away from me and not let me eat. I was teased for how much and how fast I would eat my food but no one knew the real reason why… I didn’t know if that was going to be my last meal for a couple of days. I would watch my dad beat my mum and then he would hit me to. One day my dad drank a little bit too much and lost it on me he couldn’t handle my crying anymore so he turned on the stove burner and burned my foot on it he thought it was funny he thought it would teach me a lesson….That was the last straw our family friend came over and saw the bruises and burns and she grabbed me and rushed me to the hospital and called the cops. I couldn’t walk for weeks and I was so scared as to when I was going to have to go back home. The cops asked me question after question and then a social worker came in and told me that I would never have to see my mum and dad again. Our family friend was young she was only 19 years old and she asked the social worker if she could adopt me. She loved me like her own child. After a few days of investigations and such I was sent home with my new mum and dad. I was happy for a little while I had everything I could imagine and more! We did lots of fun things and best of all there was so much food and no one hit me. After about a year my mum and I started fighting really bad. I didn’t know how to act like a real kid.  All I knew was hitting and screaming and hurting myself. I was barely 5 and I hated everyone and everything my mum said she cried at how unhappy I was. She did everything she could to try and help me she would bring me to specialists, she loved me, she punished me, she would suck up to me and finally she just ran out of ideas. For years me and her faught and thats when my dad started drinking and doing drugs. It felt like my new life was turning into the nightmare before I was adopted. I was 9 and my dad molested me I was so scared I knew it was wrong but I also knew I couldn’t tell my mum. I already ruined their perfect life they had before me so I just kept it to myself for years….The first time I admitted to want to kill myself was when i was 10 my mum didn’t know what to do she acted in anger and tried to isolate me from the world thinking she could protect me but I was already broken and that just made me more resentful so I cut myself for the first time. I just laughed when I showed her. It felt so good I never wanted the pain to stop I loved watching myself bleed more and more as I got braver and cut deeper. And that was it. My mum lost hope. I turned 15 and ran away from home I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol and before I knew it, I was 15-16  living on the streets injecting heroine and getting high off of anything else I could find. I would rob liquor stores and beg people for money. The week after my 17th birthday I found out I was pregnant I felt like this was my chance to give a child the life that they deserved and do what I never got from my families. I went to rehab and sobered up and rented a two bedroom home for my daughter and I. While I was in rehab I got a phone call from my mum saying that she had bad news… My grandma had lung cancer. I wanted to leave rehab and go see my grandma so bad but I knew I needed the help if I wanted to raise my daughter. I finally finished rehab and when I went home I tried to see my family I wanted to see my grandma so bad but they wouldn’t allow me to. They shut me out of their life and that just gave me more of a reason to love my daughter and give her everything. November 11th I went into labour. I was so excited! My mum even showed up and I just couldn’t have asked for more. Everything started out fine but then I got this bad feeling and knew something was wrong. Nurses and drs poored into my room I had an oxygen mask and was rushed through the hospital next thing I knew I was on the operating table and I just begged them to make sure my baby was safe…They told me my baby didn’t have a heart beat she was gone they needed to get her out. That was it I was done I knew I was going to kill myself when all of this was over. They took my daughter out and about a minute later I heard they loudest cry I’ve ever heard… SHE WAS ALIVE! I couldn’t believe it my baby was alive she was breathing she was moving she was healthy and strong. We got sent home from the hospital and a week later I realized I had post pardem so bad. I didn’t even want to see my daughter anymore I was depressed and lonely and that’s when I made the biggest regret in my life… I put her up for adoption. I knew it was a mistake the second she was gone how could I have just given up on her like that? The way everyone always gave up on me. I thought I was better then that… I started drinking again more then I’ve ever drank before. I turned 19 and decided everyone would be better off if I moved away so I got up and left with nothing more then a few hundred $$ and a backpack. But no matter where I was or what I did I just wasn’t happy!! That was it I was going to end it all. I took a whole bottle of sleeping pills and drank a bottle of rum. I went up a mountain side and just waited..The pills hit me and i was so scared this wasn’t what I expected. I imagined it as peaceful but I barely could breath I was pissing my pants throwing up everywhere I tried so hard to call 911 but my vision was so blurry i couldn’t focus on the numbers… I dialed random numbers in desperate hopes of some help. I sat against a tree and closed my eyes I wanted to cry but i couldn’t… I was dying and there was nothing I could do to help myself. What seemed like hours later I could hear dogs and scanners and voices there was lights everywhere it got so bright all of a sudden. People started touching me I could feel dogs brushing on my skin the kind people called my name and asked me if I could hear them… I could hear them and I wanted to tell them so bad but I couldn’t respond I tried but nothing would come out. My organs were shutting down and I needed to be rushed to the hospital. Two days later I woke up in the hospital everything felt like a dream. How did I survive! I was frustrated and confused. They told me I was ready to be released but they wouldn’t let me leave the hospital. They told me I was going to stay in the psychward for awhile to try and get some help. The saddest part of all the whole time I was missing and in the hospital no one tried to find me. My mum and dad got a call saying I was in the psychward and no one came to visit me. Its been three years now and im still struggling but I m proud to say I have a job, a home and an amazing bf… I’ve never truly been happy but I will never give up like i did before

One Comment

  1. So proud for coming this far 🙂 Just don’t give up! Keep going and doing your thing and do what you do, focus on the good, little things in life and you will be happy.

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