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Tik tak tik tak time goes by

Tik tak tik tak time goes by you want it or not… mine was slower then it was supposed to be this is going to be long but “dont start what you cant finish” it all started when i was 4 when my father died i remember it well actually a man dying cause of his own stupidty and not going to a hospital when he is sick and when he does its just too late and his family have to watch him go away pieces by pieces getting weaker each day untill he dies. Well at least my mom warned him before the sickness got to that stage.
So after my father died, my mom went crazy she became psycho… had to sleep lots of nights with empty stomach when I tried to talk to my mom she pretended like I didn’t existed and when I talked to my brother all I got for saying hi was no answer or hearing him shout: I’m busy…so I had nothing to do I sat all day in an empty room… the funest thing I ever done was talking to myself 2 years past and I became 6. It was time for going to school. At school I had no friends I was hated by most people for no reason I had no one to talk to still… So all I could do was think… I doubted the existence of god but well at that time I still believed… night after night I cried begging for help from god from someone anyone just please help me asking myself what have I done…what have I done… repeating this until I just couldn’t say it and I fall sleep
so one day I came to a conclusion there is no god there is no one that is going to help me ever nothings going to happen if i dont do something about it right ?by that time i was already 8… and by that time
I just didn’t give a damn about my father’s death or either of my family… i started looking at life a little more differently I noticed how people are it took me a little while to notice that they are the same but they are just in different situation that’s why they act differently… everyone’s desire is just sex/money how stupid…these fucked up people… and how stupid of me to think that there is hope for these people no no, NO…in my search for life i learned how to play guitar on my own… i learned how to speak different languages on my own…learned programming & I’m in a basketball team & I’m learning drawing at the current time well i tell you what none of these satisfy me none. even when i go out with friends or gfs I feel empty inside actually a little bothered and feel like I cant take it just being out like this doing nothing…
so yeah none of this satisfies me not even one bit i thought about suicide too many times and all that my brain tells me is that there may be more to life then i know… I simply have no empathy hell I even get happy when someone that cares for me and does good for me dies i simply enjoy it… it makes me feel alive…it triggers the hate i should be feeling now… anything that anybody does to me i forget after 5-10 min max well that’s the time required for me to notice I don’t give a fuck…that’s the time required for me to notice I’m not stupid I’m not like them… I don’t talk not even a word if others don’t ask me to… there were people who tried to mess with me cause of that and O don’t know why as soon as someone tries to hurt me i enter some mode I get these urges I feel like I can do anything at that time my favourite weapon that i can use at that time is being able to understand that person completely. completely understanding his intention and using the same intention and same kind of power he is using to destroy him/her well when i say destroy i really mean it…done that to a few people I’m guilty…i was familiar with sexual experiences since I was 7.
I have to act normal and be some other person in this society I’m kinda forgetting who i really am these days they say that psychopaths never heal so i have to live with this pain whole of my life with this emptiness always alone I guess xD well it doesn’t matter its not like there was a time when I wasn’t alone :)) what does that even mean I’m kinda doubting that I’m aware of what I’m saying… lots of things happened lots and lots of things. learned from them alot well i had no one to learn from had to be on my own xD

So let me tell you some stuff it dosent matter that someone left you or you love someone or someone in your family died or you lost an eye or leg cause time will move on and no one will ever give a shit even if they pretend they do that’s temporary every feeling is temporary so im gonna open your eyes right now and tell you Tik tak

Ps:this may be my suicide note only 55m left and im gonna copy this in one other place hoping it reaches the person i truelly once cared for

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