I’ve been beaten and bruised, lied to and used…. I stopped hoping for something tragic to happen the day I realized what a tragedy my life already was. I tried committing suicide and it seems that not even death wanted me….. What a loser….
Yet …. If you looked at me, you’d never know how broken, ashamed, lost, alone and fake I am….
Death didn’t want you because it’s not your time and you are not a loser. You feel that way because your spirit is broken. I know because I feel the same exact way. Anyone looking at me would never know that I want to swallow an entire bottle of Unisom and Oxycodone to make my internal pain go away. Talk about being fake, when people see me they tell me I’m glowing and I know that is Bullshit because that’s not how I feel. I don’t know your struggle but I hope you continue to fail at suicide because no struggle is worth suicide (yes coming from a person who thinks about suicide sometimes). This struggle is temporary so you keep your head above water long enough to find joy.
I have tried to kill myself many times to no avail. Here’s some advice, maybe it’s not our time yet. I’ve taken the hint where-ever it came from. So you should too. I can’t make you, but I believe those of us who were meant to die would die. You might lose the bet to yourself that you might steal a kiss from death, you might lose at other things as well…but it is our failures we learn from. Life is just a lesson for us to learn. Listen a little closer, you might hear in your heart a voice that says in a scared whisper “I’m not ready to die”. I know there is that louder voice you hear, it may even seem like many voices telling you that you are no good at anything and your life is pointless. I can’t tell you how many times it’s happened to me, but I know from experience…both are opinions. Both are part of you, but one speaks the truth and the other speaks lies. No one is perfect because perfect isn’t real, everyone has faults. Sometimes we hear people say things and we internalize it – we make their bad perceptions our own thoughts. We start to believe we really are worthless and there is no point to us, that we only do bad, but we forget then what we are good at because the thought “I’m a loser” or “I’m worthless” sounds real to us. Because maybe someone else said it, it seems possible. A teacher I had once said put a man in a room by himself and leave him there – when you come back he will be dead – not for lack of food nor any worldly thing. His thoughts will have killed him. I really believe it, that when you feel alone this happens. We are social creatures that seek love, acceptance, attention, etc. When we don’t find this in the world we ask ourselves why and we start to pick ourselves apart in search of all of the negative things. My point is, we forget the good that we must not forget. Each of us came here looking for something, so don’t leave until you’ve found it. It’s not you who is bad, it is other things, the people who hurt you. Words, appearances AND actions do not define us. Don’t define yourself with something like that. You may act and become fake, but you can never fake what’s inside – that’s the real you. Often times the world pushes that person away, but let it out. There is often fear in being yourself, but be yourself and accept yourself. I’ve been abused too, I’ve been lied to too, I’ve experienced all of the pain from the world and the people. I’ve fallen many times. BUT I STILL GET BACK UP! If you need me to help you up, I’m here, but you better stand up. Be you and don’t let them control you. If they push you, push back! If someone used you it’s because you had a heart to care so damn them for not caring about you because that shows you are the better person and that shows they owe you something so don’t go thinking you made this big mistake giving them a chance – they are the one who made a mistake. Sorry I talk so much, but I’m putting myself out there to be myself as someone who knows pain and hates to see others feel pain like I do.