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I am in such a bad place

Hello I decided to start writing might not be helpful but I’m in such a bad place I need to remember this….well the other day my dad got mad because I didn’t want to watch my little sister because I was sleepy and had a friend over, no one told me I needed to watch her because it was the weekend I didn’t think I needed to I normally watch her during the week anyways my dad threw a remote at me and called me a bitch and said that he hated me and that I was lazy and worthless the usual…..he says this to me so much I believe it now and I don’t think I like him that much and I hate myself for loving him. So he does this to me so much and it just hurts my soul more and more each time well my mom practically overlooks it especially if she’s mad at me too which happens a lot so I’m verbally abused by both of them…..according to my mom I have mental issues and all of her friends including my god father thinks so too! According to my mom I have a horrible personality, I’m stupid, I’m ungrateful, I need to get a job, I need to move out, she hates me, I’m a bitch, I’m a failure, I’m a disappointment, I’m worthless, I’m no good for anything, I’m bipolar, I’m mentally ill, etc etc….I hear these things from both of my parents almost 3 times a week over and over and over again…and then they wonder why I’m so upset all the time. All my life I’ve grown up around fighting dysfunctional people…when I was 4 I remember being home with my dad and I had a stomach ache he was on the porch and I tried to tell him but he was to drunk to realize what I was saying and carried on talking to the drunk neighbors…my mom had nightshift so I had to clean up my own puke and take care of myself until she got home that morning. She was furious at my dad and they of course started arguing throwing tvs at each other hitting each other etc all in front of me that’s one of the first arguments I can recall and from there on out I can remember hundreds of terrible altercations they’ve had in front of me and sadly 90% of the time I was involved. Ive been physically and verbally abused more so verbally than physically….always surrounded by fighting and my parents aren’t happily married so that doesn’t help the situation one bit. When I was 13 my mom had her 2nd child not planned. I love my little sister so much but she is a toddler now and quite a handful which my parents don’t have the patience for so they take her actions out on me I’m a constant target in this household they are very bad to put my 3 year old little sister of on me which is annoying but what’s even worse is I get no credit for it and the things I do around here never get remembered or appreciated. It seems like they are always trying to fight especially my mother I can’t talk to her about anything without her getting upset or cutting me off. Speaking of which my mom just left my room and the last words she said to me was I have mental issues and that’s I’m crazy. She got mad at me because I told her things have went downhill ever since my 3 year old little sister was born which I wasn’t lying things are way worse now days then they use to be….they use to be bearable but not anymore. Let me just inform you of a time I will never forget and a time that also leads me to believe my mom is the one with the issues. It was winter time we had went out to eat keep in mind my mom and dad were arguing the whole night out….we got home from dinner and are dog was acting funny come to find out he had snow stuck to his feet. Well at the time my mom thought something was really wrong already being in a bad mood her switch flipped I had never seen anything like it…she went off because I was trying to see what was wrong with our dog…she had a stare that I will never forget she actually wanted to kill me sounds far fetched I know, but it’s true I was so scared I locked myself in my room back when I had a lock on my door….that didn’t stop her though she kicked the door down and had her hands out like she was coming to choke me my dad being right behind her trying to calm her down ended up pushing her up against my bunk bed and choking her I ran past them and ran to the kitchen I remember being so scared I peed on myself my dad was actually nice that night and came to check on me and told me to go shower and that everything was going to be okay…my mom was still angry and started calling me stupid for peeing on my self I was shaking so bad… forward 4 hours later my mom was crying begging me to forgive her which obviously I did because no matter what I will always love her :(…. Now on to my dad we’ve had plenty of arguments more than I should have to deal with I remember one time my friend and my cousin was over we were being silly goofing around on the porch and we moved the lawn furniture off the porch so we’d have more room for whatever we were doing that night I can’t really remember well my dad looks outside and gets really angry about it and I go inside and say something to him that he didn’t like can’t really remember probably something like how is this so bad we are just having fun…anyways he grips me by the hair of my head and drags me across the kitchen floor my mom just watches I don’t even remember her trying to help me because she was was mad at me too….I was so embarrassed in front of my friends they were scared also and crying about it I didn’t cry till after it was all over because I guess I was just used to this sort of thing happening we always have some type of huge fight at least 3 times a month….I was so hurt because my mom just let it happen and then after it was all said and done she came into my room to try and clarify things for my so called dad saying stuff like “he does the same things to me” or “I tried to leave him you wouldn’t let me” how and why do they think it’s okay for me to deal with these types of things I’ve had an okay life it could be way worse….but my childhood is gone and I don’t think I will ever get it back all in all out of my 16 years of living I’ve had a pretty good 4 years of good memories but the older I get the worse everything is it seems like or maybe I just realize things more….they neglect me in so many ways and I guess they don’t realize how much heart ache they have put me through I don’t blame them entirely they both had sucky child hoods growing up. I often sit back and wonder if killing my self would be a good option and I know it is for me but not for anyone else…I often wonder why I was stuck with these unstable parents I just don’t get it….but I also often feel guilty for feeling hurt and sad because I read stories all the time online about other people’s “mean” parents that are just unreadable makes my issues seem irrelevant and not even comparable you know? But I just had to put my feelings somewhere happy to say that when I started writing this 30 minutes ago I was crying buckets and now I’m finally settled down….it just hurts and I’m sure many of you know this also it hurts to feel alone to feel empty to feel worthless to feel depressed to feel like a disappointment to feel so much anger…it’s so unhealthy and I thought maybe writing this would relieve some of my stress which honestly didn’t but I’ll probably get over this in a few hours is it just me or does anyone else do this too? I forget and forgive until the next fight then everything comes flooding back. If you did read this long thank you and I know my problems might not seem that bad compared to a lot of others. I wish I knew others that understood sure I have friends that get into arguments with their parents but it’s the typical kind I’d feel like a loon telling them my stories which I have many more if your curious all just as bad some not’d be nice to have someone to talk to that you knew understood. So much stuff to write about so many stories I’d like to share and get opinions on, but it’s difficult to cover so many points in a few paragraphs so hopefully this wasn’t to confusing once again thank you if you have any advice for me id really appreciate it!


  1. i’m not going to say that i have gone through the same things that you have.
    But how much pain you are in, emotional pain takes the longest to heal.
    I hope that you have friends that you can talk to, going trough thiese kinds of
    pains is realy hard alone.
    But things have a way to get better in the end. might take months or years.
    But they always do!
    I’m not here to give sympathy, it never gets far over the internet.
    So instead i hope that it turns around for the better sooner than later.

  2. I have never gone through such hard times like you have, and I think you are so brave for not killing or hurting yourself over all of the pressure. I’m sure everything will be back to normal soon and you’ll have your old life back. Try and talk to your parents about how you don’t like it when they fight. Or better yet, you can even show them what you wrote. See their reactions, because this story is so heartbreaking. I hope you have the best of luck, and know that I’m right here for you.
    *Virtual hug*
    – BiancaDiAngelo

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