People say its easy to move on, time heals, love conquer all. It’s quite difficult for me to understand these things as I have not been able to actually witness anything. People say love yourself and everything else will fall in place for you, I have started loving myself but I still have this constant need to be loved, loved by a man – if not loved I think a genuine care would also do. I am not picky. I have always had this constant need to be with a man and it frustrates me to the core that i have it.
Anyways love scares the shit of of me but I still hope for it. I am married, its going to be 4 years for us and now I can’t wait to divorce the man who has loved me since we were kids. He waited for 8 years to tell me he loved me. He remembered everything I did, he remembered my every move and he made me feel everything I ever wanted to feel. I have had many relationships but for him I was the only one. He used to play songs for me on the phone (we had a long distance relationship) I could never believe that somebody could just love me so much,.. I fell in love I guess cause he loved me so. I was selfish, I wanted to feel all the emotions we see in a movie, the fairy tales as we know it. and since i have had many shitty relationships I asked him for just one thing- to never change. He changed – right after we got married. It was as if I was his motive – you know and since now he had me as his wife, his eagerness, his love – everything faded instantly. We were in a sexless marriage. We never talked. It was more about the basic needs. Food, money, sleep, and telly. I don’t know about him but I cried everyday to sleep as I missed him. I missed being hugged, I missed his touch. I tried talking, but nothing worked he never felt as if there was something wrong between us. Marriage counselling was too western for him and every suggestion I had was invented by my best friend according to him.
I felt suffocated, slowly we both changed, there was no love and I felt it every moment. This guy who loved me so much changed a lot. I thought he wouldn’t have sex with me as I gained a lot of weight. I thought of a lot of things and I told him every singe one, but all he could come with was that I was over imagining things and that everything is perfectly fine between us. He still cared a lot for me there is not a single day when he asked me to do something especially for him. He cared for me when I was sick and I had a surgery. He took care of me. But I still felt no love at all. May be I was loosing it.
You know, as they say – that you might not be the most beautiful person around but when you look in the eyes of your man/woman you feel that you are it. (I am a sucker for such things sorry). I felt the opposite. I felt like the ugliest woman walking on this surface. I felt no amount of makeup, good clothes can make me look beautiful. I often told him to find a skinny girl he can be with. May be it was all in my head but the hurt was real. It was as real it can get.
I wanted to get out, I wanted to change my environment and as my career was stagnant I decided to do my masters. My husband helped me. With managing the finances and everything he was there when I needed him but just for money. Right before I was leaving for the airport I had hopes that maybe we would share something, maybe he would want to kiss me, have sex, hug me tight, cry a bit as we won’t be meeting for a year now. But nothing. NOTHING. We fought.
I was in a foreign country, alone and he was busy at his friends wedding. I said I missed him and never once did he reply that he missed me back. Every moment killed me. I tried talking again and all I got was come back and we will talk about it. it was frustrating, i saw my feelings dying slowly.
one day I gave him an ultimatum to talk or he would loose me forever. He didn’t. Same old story about overthinking. I cried the whole night. I had my friends to support me. I would talk to them. I started smoking, I drank everyday just to forget about all this.
Something triggered in me I have no idea maybe it was the mere thought that somebody would want to be with me again and I started dating people. I started seeing men casually. I wanted no relationship just plain sex. Somehow overtime some guy showed interest in me I felt better. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I felt better. I started smiling more and my friend’s back home noticed the change in me for them I was myself again,.. I met many guys, I used them like they used me and then blocked them. I knew what I wanted. I made great friends who would support me when I felt down. One of my friend would tell me how beautiful I look every single day. I started enjoying the smaller things in life. I felt myself again. I felt free. I was not married – I was just free. I started thinking differently. I was more clear. I was free. I never felt this kind of freedom or control over my life. I somehow felt great when I would block guys! I treated some like shit and for no apparent reason I took pride in that.
All was fine until I fell for my roommate, this guy who was my friend, who knew everything I did, who knew every bit about me. Somehow this guy (lets call Him “J “) made me realise that I am loosing myself. When he touched me I felt butterflies, I thought I would never feel those things again. I thought it was for teenagers. But I felt it all. I felt and I fell. I cannot say I fell in love and I told him this an awful lot of times. But I really liked him a lot maybe for making me feel all this, maybe for making me feel beautiful again. Maybe for all the little things he did and said which I thought I would never get or may be I just liked him for what he is and what I am when he is around.
I stopped fooling around, I tried to go on dates just so that I don’t get involved with J, but all i saw was his face. I smiled without reasons. I loved that feeling. I loved what he made me feel, what I forgot. I forgot what it’s like to make love to somebody. I forgot what emotions were and he reminded me all that. I was high!!
But somehow my happiness is always short lived, things changed overnight. Maybe he realised that I am married or maybe he… I am still figuring out as to what happened. This guy who once shouted at me for being upset as everyone around me is affected by it, was the reason I was upset.
Long story short – we don’t talk, I have tried clarifying things, but he has nothing to say, he cannot even see me in the eyes.
Somewhere I have lost faith in love, I have lost faith in myself.
My husband had a sudden realisation after 8 months that he has been doing wrong. Let me correct myself 3 years and 8 months, and he wants me to give him another chance. How can I be with someone I don’t even love. It hurts me to see him trying. I know he really is. But i have moved on – I have come really far – and I don’t want to go back.
The thought of being alone scares me but if this is what love is about then I would rather leave it in memories.
Time doesn’t heals you. You become used to your situation in given time. You learn that there is nothing you can do and continue living with what you have left.
Somewhere I still want to fall in love, I want those butterflies but the price is high. I cry for no reason at all, songs, pictures you name it I have cried over it! And I am done. I am done crying for this hopeless need of being complete. Of this idea that I need a man to complete me. I have realised I don’t need a man to complete me; I am complete in whatever weird way; a man with this motive of improving me, completing me is all BS.
I guess I just need a man to be himself and to take me as I am. i want love that’s so passionate. I need respect.
But I am too scared, I am too damaged to give myself to anybody. I come with a lot of baggage and I fear I might never love the way I loved again.