I am ugly
My name is Sisi,
I am a FBC (French born Chinese)
I grew up in Paris with 2 brothers a big bother Alec and a little brother Yun. We always have been in pretty good environment (my parents had enough money to take my brothers and I to very luxurious vacation twice a year and we had mostly whatever we wanted).
I know I was a very lucky girl, having whatever I wanted whenever I needed and healthy!
But I don’t know when that really started…
Maybe when I was in elementary school–>
Well I was in a Christian catholic school there were mixed blood, black, Arabic and adopted students but in a way I always felt aside from other kids. In fact, it wasn’t a feeling, it was like that. I don’t know why but some time the other kids wouldn’t play with me. I even remember once, a girl who was supposed to be my friend told me to do bad things otherwise she wouldn’t be my friend anymore.
I know it is a kid thing but it does affect you in a way, I was so dumb as a kid that I did all the bad things she told me to do… I stole money and checks from my parents for her.
How stupid was I?!
And as long as I can remember, I always felt FAT, I remember saying I was fat (I was probably 7 years old) to my family because we couldn’t feet the 3 people seats in the back of a car, but we were 4 people in the back of the car !
This idea of ideal, perfect, pretty body always followed me during these past years.
I never really thought I was pretty!
During my teen years I wanted to feel loved and I wanted my parents to be proud of their little girl, so I was always helping them in their shop doing things, I wasn’t going out with my “new friends” because I wanted my parents to say “omg I am so proud of my daughter, she knows how to do this and that, she is so good”, but doing that made me have very few friends…
I still know some people out there but they don’t really know me or come to say “hi Sisi it’s been a long time!”
No they are just looking at me for a quarter of a second and turning their head as if they didn’t see me… do you know the technique of “I receive a message” (just look at your phone when someone you know is in front of you, like that you can say “I didn’t saw you”)
In 9th grade I really started watch after my body, I was becoming a Woman and my hip wear growing so fast that I have these fuc**ng stretch marks. “I was becoming FAT!” That was what I taught. I started to starve myself to not gain weight.
People wear saying “you are so skinny!” Hearing that I was so happy!
But that was only the beginning.
In 11th grade I discovered vomiting, I discovered that I could eat and throwing out the food. Then I started to eat normally and more without gaining any weight I was “happy” in fact I even loosed weight because I was throwing out all the food.
But every day I felt so bad, it was hurting my body but not only my body it was also hurting my brain.
I never looked at myself in the mirror and said “I love myself, I am pretty today” maybe some time I would say it but I know from the inside of myself that it is not true…
Just after I started to become Bulimic, yep…
I think this is the worst part of my life, being bulimic. I started to eat more and more, but at this rate the food I was eating would not go out of my body. I was trying hardly to get this food out of my body but throwing up wasn’t working anymore. And the more I ate the more I get FAT, and the more I get depressed.
The cycle of depression just begun.
Feeling like a failure, want to die every day and night, feeling ugly and Fat …
Sometime to makeup the food I was eating, I’d go to the gym to burn calories but it doesn’t work well because I was eating more that I burned. People started to notice that I gained weight and were telling me that I started to get FAT! That depressed me even more. And the more I was depressed the more I was eating and the more I ate the more I was depressed…
This fuc**g cycle was my End.
I am steel stuck in it, and I really don’t know how to get out of it.
I don’t want people to help me, but in the same time I would love to have someone to know and to help me.
I am becoming crazy.
I am crying every night.
I am always acting ok to my family and friends.
But it is FAKE …
Can’t you see it!
I am falling apart.
I always say “tomorrow will be a better day”
But tomorrow is worse than yesterday.
Every new day are making me worst.
I really want to be normal.
But I really don’t know what normal is anymore!
My stomach is hurting me,
Bulimia is sh*t