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I am kind of dealing with a depression phase

Hello there,

My name is really not that important, my age is 24, I live in Europe, and I am kind of dealing with a depression phase. Not searching for help because I do not believe there is such a thing. I think I’ll sort it out somehow. I kind of wanted to let it out without getting back a thing.
My life has always been messed up. Bad family, grew up without a father from age seven. Had different step fathers along the years, got beaten, slept several nights on the streets. My mom acted like a friend who depended on me and I could not depend on her. My brother, now married and with a child, three years older than me, we have nothing but looks in common… I moved from my hometown after I finished high school and started my life. I was working from age thirteen so going to work straight from high school was no big deal. I refused to start college because I did not find anything to make me want to lose years of my life just to have a paper. I finished art high school and I only do art for me. I love art, but I would not do it as a job. My current job is dog rehabilitation. This, I do freelancer, there is no such job here but my dream is to build a center with that purpose…. But, as of lately, everything is pitch black and dark.
My life has been filled with betrayal, with fake people, fake relationships, disappointment and failures. Now I struggle to build my path but I don’t see even the smallest step I have to make. There is also my love life… or so we should call it. There is this person I am in love with for almost a year. We spend a lot of time together and I really care for our friendship. I think that I am afraid to change it and I am afraid not to be what it takes to be their partner. I feel I have nothing good to offer, I do not want them to change, I cannot stand anymore changes in my life. Two nights ago, we shared our first kiss. I start to think our feeling are mutual as they did not know I was in love with them… there was no words, no talk, just the kiss and days went by like normal. I do not want to question a thing, but that kiss hit me like a cold mixed with hot shower. It was the sweetest and again the bitterest thing I have ever got and it left me puzzled. I am angry at me I let this happen and I am also very happy. It’s so hard to get a grip of my mixed feelings.
Currently I am living in a house on the country side. I have over fifty dogs there. They are not all mine. There are the ones I am working with, the ones I saved from the streets, and the ones that are mine. The house witch I live in is not mine. It was bought by someone who, like me, saves dogs. This person helped me very much over the last four years, and it means so much for me. But as I knew, every good thing comes with a price so the price has to be paid. It all changed, the person who helped me changed, I changed and it seems we can no longer “work” together. I decided I have to move.
Over the years my family moved where I live and although we live in the same city, we see each other very rare on the occasion I go to visit my niece. I have no kind of support from them as they only care for their own wellbeing. “That is not to bad” I started thinking recently. They have a stable and comfortable life. I am the one who struggles and gets disappointed after I put my trust in someone. Though, my mom has her many lovers in which she finds support, my brother has his wife and they help each other and there is me.
I often wish I had more means to do what I want. I wish I had someone to support me, to get me up from the holes I felt in… but then again, I am afraid of that and wish to live alone for the rest of my life. My confidence is leaving me and I get swept in all kinds of emotions and mixed feeling. I got at the point where I am not sure what would help or what will smash me to the ground.
All I know is I want to make my dream of creating a rehabilitation center REALITY and even if right now I am unable to see my next step I will work hard for it and I will make it real. If I cannot save myself I want to at least save the dogs that have no one, have no voice to say a word but a big heart filled with so much love a human never had in itself.

For those who read this: Sorry, this is just putting my thoughts somewhere in the attempt to ease my brain. Thou, thank you for your reading.
Let’s all work hard for our life and enjoy what we can. Laugh when there is the time and cry when you have to but remember, there is not always just tears.
Good day!


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