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I really can’t deal with these complicated feelings

I’m lost.

I’m not sure how my life is going to turn out, so many people have a general direction which they think or are working for their life to go but not me. I don’t think I’m leaving to be my best self, I’m so scared all the time, I’m scared about what to say to people because I’m scared of what they think, I’m scared to disappoint my family, I’m scared to get hurt…

I don’t know what type of person I am, I’m so trusting and I can’t cope with being on my own. When I was with ex-boyfriend and I was searching for a place to live alone in, it only because I knew he’ll be over most of the time, that I won’t be alone because I can’t.

I’m constantly hoping for a best friend, just someone that will be my other half my right hand, I want someone who is confident, who goes places and wants me to come with her, I want a squad a great girl squad who isn’t hating on each other, who actually love and support each other, I’m all about this life where I pretend like I have a good time and I have these friends that actually want to go out and have fun but really I don’t and this period in my life is the loneliest I’ve ever felt.

  • Lady N: she has her own group and is Udell and Fenti’s confidant not mine
  • Fenti: I don’t know how to deal with her, she seems so stingy and so controlling, for sure if there’s work to be done she’ll rather you do it than both of us do it.. also, not comfortable with sex, drinking, clubbing.
  • Udell: no problem, nice doesn’t really have a lot of experience with the clubbing, drinking, or boys, or travelling and doesn’t really open up about sex stuff…
  • Orien: very unreliable not to be mean just being honest, why does it seem like she has time to actually help everyone else but when it comes to me asking her for something, I can’t even remember the last thing she came through for me for. She’s nice to talk to I guess but also knows nothing about sex, clubbing or drinking. And it’s hard to have someone you call your friend but can’t rely on when you need them.
  • Ani: can I really call her a friend? I don’t think I can everything I tell her, she tells femi (a dude that is my ex’s friend and her friend not mine, and who I won’t like knowing such stuff) she can’t keep anything to herself and its hard cause she’s the only one I can to about sex stuff and she’ll go tell femi.
  • Chibby: great friend, not here and time zone difficulty I wish he was here with me…
  • The EX: the ex-boyfriend that opened my eyes I guess. I’m jealous of him, he has all these friends that will do anything for him, as far as I know he’s emotionally stable and doesn’t feel loneliness.

I really can’t deal with these complicated feelings, I want to be he’s very best friend but I can’t deal with telling me the girls he hooked up with or wants to hook up because I get so jealous and disgusted because I guess in some stupid part of my mind he’s still mine. If I tell him not to tell me about those things he’ll know I’m not cool with it and he won’t open up with me again.

I know at some point something is wrong with me for feeling this way, I just wish I could shut down these feelings of mine. I love so hard and get so hurt after, I trust too easily and even after being burned I don’t learn I still believe people are good and won’t betray you so easily but I’m constantly being proven wrong. I can’t carry out a proper conversation; I can’t make these friends that I want so bad, the ones that come take you out, or are constantly there for you.

I feel like I’m a nice person, all I want is to be honest with people and for them to be honest with me too.

I’m so scared that I won’t get anywhere in life and I’ll constantly be alone in life wanting more but not being able to get it.

I can’t even do the single thing where you hook-up with random people because then I get attached, I don’t show it to them but I get a bit hurt when they don’t respond or have time for me anymore, it’s not like I even enjoy sex anyway, I do it for their pleasure and just to have someone.


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