I am nineteen years old, will be twenty in like a month, I’ve struggled with my depression for a while, and sometimes it feels like I have nobody that listens or helps me at all, at least not the kind of help I need.
My parents separated when I was quite young and I had a stepfather since preschool, he has been with my mom all my life, and they have been married for almost ten years about the same time that my little brother was born, my life has been a rough patch of road, when I was ten years old my stepfather started to molest me, he would rub my legs an thigh while I was asleep and then I would wake up and between sleep and wake up I would catch him and he would apologise and leave, this went on for quite a while because I was young and thing is that I didn’t quite realize what was happening, because I was always asleep when he came, and as soon as I would wake up he would leave.
One day my grandmother came over and I confided to her and told what was happening, she told me to tell my mother. I remember that day clear as day, it was a summer on a Thursday, my grandmother use to help us with the laundry on Thursdays, so I waited till my stepfather had left the house because I knew I would be afraid to tell her with him around, and he went to the store with my little brother, my mother me, my grand mom, and my cousin were sitting together and it blurted out like a sudden rain, he is molesting me! After saying those words, I could see the pain in her eyes, suddenly even the sky was black, the shiny sunny Thursday turned into a bleak rainy Thursday afternoon. My grand mom and my cousin left, when my stepfather returned he simply denied it, he actually looked surprised. My mom jumped in the car and sped off, he told me after she left you see what you’ve done, if your mother gets hurt it’s your fault, then the guilt struck me like lightening in a mirror. I was a homewrecker, that’s what my mother thought of me trying to destroy her happiness. Well of course she did not believe me, and I spent the night at my grandmother was back home the next day, I was told its probably ghost and what could I do she was my mother, and maybe I had imagined it.
The strange thing is that most of it is a blur to me, but I remember there were times he would drive me to school in the car and rub my knee and have his hand on my leg on my way to school.
In all the time, he was alone he would be a pervert and all the times around my mother he would absolutely hate my guts and tell me things, call my name.’
I always thought in my mind her finding out would mean she would immediately leave him, of course that day never came and it never will, there were other times after that he touch me on my private part while I was wearing my underwear in my room, of course my mom didn’t believe that. The money he tried to give me when I was sixteen and she left me alone me and my brother with him, the peeping he use to do at one point every night in my room. He would also try to convince my mother I was engaging in sexual activities, even I was not, and once again she would believe him, he even suggested that she take me to a doctor to be checked at this time I was still a virgin.
At the end of the day she loves him, he will always be first and I second. I live with my boyfriend now and I go to visit her as much as I can, I try not to hold it against her because she is my mother and I love her.
