Is this happiness?
Sometimes when you’ve been so sad for so long and then you finally reach happiness, you don’t realise it. Or deny that it’s happiness at least and continue searching. I envy you who can be so ignorant to the melancholy, underwhelming reality which is happiness. Especially after an astronomical love affair with such as the darkness or one of his associates.
What’s mere happiness in the face of all that???
The intensity’s, the depths and unexpected sick highs in this despondency became an addiction itself. Whilst experiencing this though all you ever do is fantasise the idea of happiness into a magic, to the point that sometimes you believe it could come true. You pursue until one day you stop and realise that you are in happiness and there it is. This is all it is, this is how everyone else feels.
This state of flatline. Some high, some low but nothing I could ever write about. Yet here I am. Articulating how people wanted me to be happy for so long and here I am. I may have found more reason to die than I ever did before, yet now I fear death!!!
Since I’ve reached this “happiness”, I sit here resenting this absurdly hopeless and pointless existence we live in that everyone just excepts as, “life”. So why don’t I just return to him, that darkness? Because this life, this “happiness” moves slower, more predictably. With him, everything is given random extremity and you never know how he will make you react. The love of my life can have from me a pitiful smile but that blade can erupt the most magnificent of grins. Sometimes that A flat note that starts your alarm every morning can be the gatekeeper of every emotion you’ve ever experienced or the summoner to that all too familiar, lethargic numbness.
Just imagining it gives me chills, more than I could ever say for happiness.