I have a confession to make.
Since this just happened, I want to share this and get it out my chest.
Today is my last day speaking to Jaye. That’s his real name. I’m not mentioning his last name.
It all began by a little thirteen-year-old girl playing black ops 2. I just bought my black headset that I used while I was playing even if I didn’t speak to anyone. Then Jaye came by and he was very sweet. Our first talk was over 3 hours long. We were the best of friends. He sent me a friend request and I added him. He said he was eighteen and lives in England. Since I was thirteen, I didn’t want to reveal my real age. I was taught many times to not put any personal info out there. So, I said that I was sixteen. Also, I said that I also lived in England. Even though I don’t. I’ve taught myself English since I was little. I can speak fluently and not have a squeaky accent. We became very close even by just talking for 3 hours the first day. Since that time, we spoke every day and every time we spoke, it always was over 1-hour long. We came so close in such a short period. After a month of talking in daily bases through PlayStation, we started having contact in Facebook. I didn’t use Facebook, so I came up with a fake name and messaged him every single day. He revealed that he had feelings for me and liked me very much.
Now, before I go on I just want to say that I’ve never ever had a relationship with anyone. I know I’m young, but all my friends are talking about boys and some of them already have a boyfriend. I come from a very religious family that doesn’t agree with having relationships. I get that, I wear clothes different because that’s what my religion says. People call me ugly or whatever. But I don’t give a shit. Or that is what I tell myself… Deep down I take these comments as a scar in my heart. I have a lot of friends, maybe too many. I’ve always wanted attention because I’m not getting any at home. I’m the youngest out of 4 sisters. It’s rough pain to get through teenage years lonely. I don’t trust anyone because I’ve been sad too many times. I don’t like to cry in front of people, that way they’ll see how weak I am and mess with my feelings (which have happened).
I hate to smile when I want to cry and scream. I hate being so damn alone.
This all lead to body issues. All my friends are so pretty, beautiful, attracting and I’m the background of it all. The one making everyone happy but is the loneliest one. The one always taking care of every single human, but not get anything back. The one forgiving people when they left me crying.
All this made me go to an intense depression. I had so many thoughts on killing myself. My life was a disaster.
But Jaye was there.
I know that this was a wrong decision, but I couldn’t lose somebody who made me smile in my darkest times.
I catfished him.
At first, I didn’t care. Yes, I have catfished before, plenty of times. Call me a psychopath, whatever. I couldn’t handle myself.
I used a girl that went in my school. It wasn’t the first time I used her… But now I did.
Jaye fell more in love with me. I fell more in love with him. I tried to tell him the truth, but I couldn’t find the words. I felt so guilty at times.
It was so sad that I actually believed my lie. I spoke with him every single day on the phone. I skipped days of school just to be speak with him. He taught me so much, he was so cute and so sweet. I loved him.
It was time for the truth to come out. I was planning to tell him that week but it all got out of control. I played black ops with him and his friends. We were in a group phone call killing zombies. But as we played, this guy found the real identity and send it to the group chat. I hung up the phone and immediately blocked everyone in my friend list in Facebook and PlayStation that was in that phone call. My legs were shaking, and my heart pumped twice as much blood. It all happened so fast. I didn’t know that they could find out.
I cried, and a tsunami of tears fell down my cheeks as I typed to Jaye the real truth. He replied ’Good joke” and I didn’t say anything back. After a couple of days, I texted him asking whether he was okay or not. He spammed me with questions and it was too much. So, I decided to play it off. I noticed that I needed him now to feel good and not depressed. Every single day I cried myself to sleep because I was so damn stupid to refer myself to another girl.
I catfished him a second time.
I said that I actually was 17 and took another picture from a girl on Instagram that I kind of knew. I felt bad, but I needed him.
I loved him so much that I could give up my dreams just to be with him.
The second day of the most horrific event I’ve ever been through was my Grandpa’s death. It all happened so suddenly and in the wrong time. I was at my point that I literally wanted to take a knife and slice my throat. I asked myself plenty of times why my grandpa didn’t take me with him. He knows how fucking lonely I am. Why did God take him and not me?
That event changed the whole history of our family. My family was very close. Every weekend my cousins and aunts would meet at our Grandmas and Grandpas house and eat lots of homemade food and have plenty of great times. But even now, my family is falling apart. They literally are arguing on who’s going to take the most money from my grandpa’s heritage. They’re so damn blind to see that their fucking dad died, and they decide to argue about money instead of showing respect to his death. They’re accusing each other of someone being a thief and took 3 million. They’re fucking crazy. But Jaye was there. Jaye was listening and helped me go through so much pain and tears.
We still spoke, as friends. We both agreed that we didn’t have any feelings for each other anymore. I didn’t, because we had a break after my grandpa’s death for 3 weeks. Going from talking on daily bases to not talk at all. I missed him, but I also had the guilt inside me. So, friends it shall be. After a while on getting used to speak on daily bases, I got feelings again. I told him that and he thought I was joking. He then told me that he also has it. But then, after a damn period then I opened up to him, he said” I don’t actually have feelings for you, I just didn’t want to hurt yours”. That made me cry instantly. I don’t know how I can cry over a boy I’ve never ever met before. Either way, I told him to fuck himself and never talk to me again, but I loved him too much. I couldn’t let go of him. He was on my mind every minute. It was so fucking hard to let go so I came back. I asked him why he didn’t come back to me and try to solve the problem. He said that he was too scared to handle the situation.
After some talk, I lied that I went back to my” cheating ex” and that he hits me and that we couldn’t be a thing. I was trying to end it between us because of the guilt. I feel so bad by just thinking of his name. But I decided to let it be behind me, so I texted him to never speak to me again. After a few hours I called him and said that I couldn’t explain why because it was too much to say. I ended the call after me saying my words and not letting him talk. I will someday forget about him. Patience is the key. (Also, it was my birthday this month! : P)
I’m telling this story to the people who have body issues. Do NOT refer yourself. This all have changed on how I see myself and from now on I’ve got the understanding of self-love is the best love. Do NOT do the same thing to catfish, it won’t help. Even if you wish to have that life you lied about, it won’t help. You’re beautiful. You don’t need to pretend being someone else and playing with someone else’s feelings just because you’re unsure with yours. Find yourself in your own way, not through others.
I’m enjoying life again. Even if Jaye is missed every day, I will not go back to him and mess it all up again. I did wrong, my mistakes are now scars to my arm and I can’t to nothing about it other than learn and forget.
You’re missed Jaye, every day.
Hey, life can indeed be hard you know. But you must never give up. And you must never ask yourself “why did God take my grandfather and not me” We all have a purpose on this planet. And you need to have patience and be more positive in life and try to stop depending on people. You felt like you needed that Jay guy… But in reality, you don’t. Even your not talking to him your life goes on…. his life goes on as well. And may I advise you to stop catfishing. It is wrong. And I don’t think that you’re a bad person because of it. I just think that all the time u are using to catfish you can also use that time to do something beneficial. Like, try your best to pass at school, work out, read a book (knowledge is the key to everything) And I know it hurts how the others call you. But just try to ignore it. Seek comfort and have faith in God. Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me. Remember that line. Try to improve your life. And don’t think about suÏcide. It’s not an escape. You’ll leave a lot of things behind… maybe even a beautiful future that may be waiting ahead of you. And also don’t consider self-harm. It works as a drug and everytime you feel sad you will return to it. Try to talk with your family about it and let them know how you feel. And tell them in detail how you feel. We all have a time we feel lonely, but you got to remember there are people who have it worse than you. And only God knows what the future may bring. I hope things go the right way with you I really do. I just hope you learn from your mistakes and that they make you a better person.