Let me tell you the story of my experience of middle school. Hello, my name in Tina. That’s what my friends call me.
When growing up, I always had a crush on a boy. And guess what, each year that crushed changed. It wasn’t true love cuz I was in elementary school. But when arriving middle school, I made so many new friends. I even made a best friend. Let’s name her Emmy.
Emmy was just like me. We both loved to draw, play the flute, and have an obsession with playing cards. When 7th grade came around, I got separated from my friends because they split orchestra and band apart for lunch. So, I barely saw my friends anymore. Emmy became my best friend. But I wasn’t best friends with Emmy. I tried to stay close to her, but we drifted apart. We were still close friends but not best friends. The only thing that kept us together was an ensemble we both played in.
After performing in one of our concerts we were assigned to watch the other ensembles play too. Let me just say, it was boring. Emmy ended up sleeping on my lap. At the moment I didn’t really know what was happening and didn’t really care. After that day. I realized it. I liked it. I wanted it to happen again. But Emmy and I weren’t that close. So, I stop being clingy and gave up. At the end of the school year came another concert. But this time we were with a group of friends. One of them was a guy who I had a crush on. Again, Emmy and I were sitting together and watching the boring performers perform. Thinking to myself, this is the time. I leaned in. Emmy wrapped her arm around my neck and pulled me in to play with my ear. This may have looked weird, but I enjoyed it so much.
My crush was staring at me through the other side. I looked straight into his eyes until Emmy said, “I’m lesbian.” The way she said this was like a joke. I didn’t know how to react, so I quickly pulled away and laugh.
Every single day to today I replay that beautiful moment in my head. After that day, I started to act weird and nervous around Emmy. I then released I, myself was gay. I, myself was lesbian. I panicked. I tried to shut down those feelings. I thought it was just a part of growing up and going through puberty. But as time rolled around to 8th grade, I was pretty damn gay. I had no guy crushes. I even started admiring girls. I stock Emmy on all social media. And memorized her entire school schedule.
Also, whenever she enters a room, I made sure I looked cool with all my friends. I even started new things that I knew she liked. Like listening to K-pop and reading web comics. To today I am thankful I tried those new things because they brought me new great friends to me. Through all of this commotion there was one thing I still wanted to know and still want to know today. Is Emmy gay? I think about that question every single day. I even ask random people online this question. Some days I’m sure she’s gay. But other days I know for sure she’s not. Emmy is a kind and cute person. She supports gay people and did date a girl. But not for real. Like play story as if you are playing family at recess. Even if Emmy is gay, is she gay for me? Emmy and I aren’t close friends anymore. But to me that is one of the reasons why I like she likes me.
I pushed Emmy away because of my feelings. Is that what she did too? Emmy can be really cute. She would sometimes give me a back hug out of nowhere. We even hold each other’s hand because her’s are always cold and mine are always hot. I don’t know if this is a sign, but her feet are always pointing to me. Not like in a natural way, like in a weird way that no one sits like. When she is bored in class she would just pick up my arm and swing it around. I don’t know if this is middle school flirting. Sometimes I would flirt with her too. I would play with her hair when she ever puts it down. Make an excuse to touch her hand. And try on her glasses. But why would she love me? Why does she love me? Today, I still don’t know if I’m truly gay. Emmy would just be my middle school crush. In high school I will forget about her, hopefully and finally move on.
Because this crush is not getting me anywhere in life.