When I was 14, I moved from living with my adopted parents in the countryside to London to “get to know” my birth mum. I’d had a very sheltered life prior to this, and to be honest I was quite naive and definitely not street wise. I was also very shy at this age.
I started a new school in London, which had a mix of cultures which was something I was unfamiliar with (growing up in a very white area). This wasn’t a problem and I’m in no means at all racist, it was just different for me.
My birth mum had no idea how to be a mum to a teenage daughter as she never had been. So, between getting to know each other, she allowed me to do whatever I wanted. Probably because she felt guilty.
She bought me fags and alcohol, and I stayed out till whenever I wanted. At the time I thought this was great, as all teenagers would. I had a new-found independence, I was an adult, I thought. Especially coming from a very strict home originally.
Anyway, I got on really well in my new school and made a bunch of new friends. Somehow though, I fell in to the “bad” crowd. I began drinking a lot, taking recreational drugs, and bunking off school. I was having a great time, and it all moved so fast I began to think I was a lot wiser and grown up than I actually was. I became friends with a girl, let’s call her (Z) she was of Jamaican culture. We were really good friends and began doing everything together.
Later I discovered she was never my friend at all. Her dad beat her at home, so she spent a lot of time at my house. My mum took her in as her own. We talked about sex and stuff, I was a virgin and she wasn’t.
She would often “joke” that I was frigid, and I should lose my virginity. She had older cousins, who had their own place, she told me it was a really cool place to chill and smoke weed, and we could just hang out all day and they were “really nice.”
So, we went there one day instead of going to school. As soon as we arrived, something felt off. There were two boys, who honestly looked like fully-grown men to me. We were all in the living room, and I noticed that one in particular kept exchanging smiles and sniggers with (Z) and I started to sense there was a joke I wasn’t a part of.
I was missing something. I tried to tell myself I was paranoid because of the weed, that it was fine. Out of nowhere, (Z) suddenly said she had to rush to her aunties quickly as something had happened.
In the space of about two minutes, she had stood up and gone. I found myself alone in the flat, with the two men. I felt really out of my depth, to be honest I was terrified.
I wanted to cry but I didn’t want them to think I was pathetic. I tried to remain cool, although I’d lost my voice and wasn’t actually saying anything. The atmosphere was awkward and uncomfortable.
The guy, the one who had been smiling, he grabbed my hand and pulled me from the sofa. He said “come, I’ve got something to show you” next thing we were in his bedroom, sitting on the bed. I really wasn’t as street wise as I had thought, and I just wanted my adopted mum, to sweep in and save me.
I began to really regret my decision of coming here, and I knew I was in danger. I was honestly so scared. We sat in silence at the end of the bed for a minute, until I managed to say, “show me what?” In a very timid quiet voice. He put his hand on my thigh and said “relax” I was wearing a short school skirt, he was angled so that he was slightly behind me and started to run his hand up my leg.
I began edging to the end of the bed, with tears in my eyes. He said “show you this” when I turned around he had his cock out and was smiling.
I was shocked. I said “I think I better go, my mum will be wondering where I am” choking back tears. I stood up, and that was when it happened. I won’t go in to any more detail, but he stood up too, forced me back down and raped me. I felt numb, I wanted to scream and say no, say stop, or anything but no words were coming out. I just remember laying there like a rag doll, silently crying. After that he walked me to the train station, and in a state of trance I complied as if nothing had happened.
When I went back to school, I intended to plan nothing had happened. I believed it was my fault for being stupid and not saying no. I just wanted to forget it. But surprisingly, (Z) wouldn’t talk to me, or even look at me. She completely avoided me, it later dawned on me that the whole thing had been a plan. The person I thought was my best friend betrayed me in the worst way possible.
She began writing things in the toilet “H is a slut” etc. Just completely cruel. Luckily, I just latched on to my other friends, she dropped out anyway, and I managed to complete school. I just really wanted to share this, as I never have before.
Sorry that it took me so long to get to the point, it just felt really good getting the whole thing off my chest. I have only recently come to the realisation that I was raped. I’m 20 now, and I’ve managed to create coping mechanisms and I think I’m doing okay.
Thank you for listening <3