The True Story of JF and AT
I don’t know why but I always expected her to come back into my life. A somewhat strange certainty one has for whatever reason. And she did, she came back into my life, an endorsement of my belief that there is a higher power. She was there, present, as she was in my dreams, she was right there in front of me, only she now surpassed perfection because she was real.
I saw her first in middle school. I switched schools and was the new 8th grader. There were many pretty girls in that school but she caught my eye, her light brown eyes specifically. She laughed a lot, that too, caught my attention. I liked that. I only saw her at lunch during middle school and then sparingly in high school. 4 years in HS where I would see her once every couple weeks and seeing her would make my day! I would go home with a dumb smile on my face each time I saw her because she was just so beautiful. I held the door open for her once in HS, she said thank you and I, with a fake deep voice, said you’re welcome. I also caught her gaze one time in HS, in the cafeteria, I was wearing an Ed Hardy t shirt haha, I was scanning the cafeteria as a teenager routinely does for whatever reason, and caught her eyes, she was looking at me, probably wondering what Dbag was wearing an Ed Hardy shirt, but anyways I caught her gaze for the first time and she was looking at me! ME!!!
Ok just as a disclaimer I’m not this creepy weirdo with like no friends who is obsessed with a girl and does nothing else with his life but ponder about her existence (nothing wrong with being a weirdo in HS btw) no I was pretty attractive I guess, lots of girls liked me for some reason, I mean I play sports and am pretty smart I guess, also I was really funny or at least I thought I was haha!
Anyways lets go back to the story. Yeah so middle school and HS I didn’t really ever interact with her but my friends knew about her because every time she would walk by I would jokingly say “Look there’s my wife!!!” And they would laugh because they knew I didn’t know her and also because they knew I couldn’t “woo” such a beautiful girl. But honestly even at that point I could swear that I would marry her, idk why, I’m a pretty reasonable, logical person and this didn’t make sense to me but I KNEW she was the one, just didn’t know why.
So I graduate HS and go off to college, she goes to another college, a better one (but at that point I was so excited to meet all these girls in college I barely thought of her, just periodically I would see a picture on facebook and be reminded about HS and about my “wife”). Also I KNEW I would see her again, idk why but every time I had a meeting or something extracurricular in college I thought she would walk in (weird ik!!!). But stayed tuned because thats what would actually happen, again keep in mind this is a true story!!!!
Oh yeah!!! So btw in college I would dream about her like at least once every month, vivid dreams, nothing gross lol, just like me taking her on dates and stuff, there was one dream in particular: its raining, like heavy pouring rain, and I am in a cave with her, I remember my shirt being white and I had jeans on, I hug her and say something but I can’t remember what, and then I hold her in my arms as the rain continues to pour, I kiss her on the top of her head and then I wake up!!! Weird!! But I ALWAYS remember this dream!!!!
The next part is the weird part and the reason for me writing and posting this story: to make you all believe in destined love (perhaps) and so that when the stars align for you all, to take the chance!!!
I am in college and trying to get into medical school, it is the summer between my third and fourth year, I am a young kid working in a research lab full of surgery residents. My PI approaches me about a summer program coming up where I can get paid to do research but I would have to work a lot more, he says it would look good on the med school app. I don’t want to do it tbh, I don’t really like bench lab work, its BORING as heck but I agree to apply, anything to get into medical school right.
I apply for the program. I get an interview. I forget about my interview. It is now 1 hour before my interview when I realize I have an interview. I put on a nice shirt and pants and ride frantically to campus. I am sweating like crazy, like soaking wet, but whatever, I don’t want this research position anyway. I go through the interview and the program coordinator likes me, she says she will call me if I am accepted. She calls me. I start the following week. There is orientation the first couple days before we start the 2.5 month course. I go to orientation, its boring obviously. After a PP presentation I was called to a group meeting , I don’t pay attention, I never do. I just understood I needed to pick up a folder after. They start handing them out, they call my name, I say “present”, grab my badge and folder. The voice that would speak next still resonates in my mind. “Is there anything else we need?” I look up and see a pretty girl and even ask myself, for a split second, not recognizing this unprecedented but very expected crazy occurrence; “wow this girl is pretty?” It was her, HER, the girl of my dreams, the only girl I have ever thought to be perfect, it was AT. I smile, but not at her, I smile simply because the situation seemed so surreal because it was so anticipated lol. I listen to the next presentation sitting mere feet away from her in the auditorium, occasionally glancing at her to make sure she was real, smiling to myself like a dumbass because I kept realizing she was.
The next 2.5 months would be the happiest months I have ever lived and we BARELY spoke. The first time I really introduced myself to her was, KEEP IN MIND THIS IS A TRUE STORY, a moment of pure luck and chance, almost as if the universe was trying to get me to speak up, tell her that I love her, that I always have, that I always will.
SPOILER ALERT: The universe would ultimately be unsuccessful but let me continue my story.
So I have to get to a building from my lab at 5 PM and the program people HATE when we are late (I was already warned during orientation lol). I accidentally ride my bike to a wrong building, its 4:58 so I, frantically, look on my phone to determine the correct address. I race there. I park my bike and quickly ascend up the stairs to a middle plaza where the building disconnects. I pause to determine which side I should go into and then I see her, HER! She was lost too, she was coming down the stairs (from heaven I assume lol). We make eye contact but I disregard her presence to pretend like I didn’t know we were looking for the same place, dumb I know but its how terrified of her I truly was. I choose the left side building and she follows. I hold the door open for her. She says thank you and I only nod. She is looking around for the room, so am I. She finally asks me if we are looking for the same room, and I say “2331?” She says yes and introduces herself, I introduce myself. We start chatting. I am nervous but I can tell she is too. To my surprise during the conversation I notice myself coming off very confident, I am smiling and speaking with a weird raspy voice that I’ve never spoken with before (weird i know). She stumbles while asking me questions by asking the same one twice and I chuckle when she realizes her redundancy. I realized then that she was not only very beautiful but also adorable, and that she, again, was perfect. I ask her where she went to school, as if I didn’t know, and she tells me. I act like I’m impressed that she went to an ivy league school which I mean I was but I knew that already lol. She asks me if I’m doing this research program as a way to get into medical school, I say yes, she says thats her plan too. We get to an intersection at the end of the hallway, I look right, she looks right, I look left, she looks left. We find the room, she sits in the corner and I’m too afraid to sit next to her.
The next month I see her twice a week in our scheduled classroom days. I never speak to her but knowing that I sometimes tell a joke in class that makes her laugh made those classroom days the best days ever!
One day I check my schedule and realize she is grouped with me and 4 other people in a presentation skills work shop. Cool, I’ll at least be close to her and maybe sneak in some conversation if my confidence is high that day.
The work shop day comes. I get there somewhat early this time, she is already there, wearing a dress, not like a prom dress but a very nice outfit. Also her make up, which she rarely wears a lot of in class, is more pronounced today, I can tell she spent more time getting ready in the morning (which tbh is unnecessary when someone is already so beautiful). Was it because we were doing this work shop and I was going to be there?! That’s what I wanted to believe I guess. Anyways she looked beautiful, prettiest girl I’ve ever seen (however that was decided long before that day). We get started, the teacher is an acting coach, somewhat of an aggressive acting coach haha. I volunteer to go first, I feel good today, I feel like I look good, it was 10 AM, my puffy eyes from waking up early were gone. I also had pink pants on, which idk seemed like they were cool (hell they still are cool!). I do my presentation, the teacher asks for suggestions, classmates compliment me, teacher says I should slow down my pace and speak less with my hands. I repeat the presentation and then the teacher randomly just starts to ask me about what I like doing, all while on stage in front of my 5 classmates. Being the clown that I am I give her funny answers, I hear audible chuckles coming from HER. I continue my stand up comedy act much to the chagrin of my somewhat too serious coach. I remember specifically making a joke about doing something “sketchy” because it was in Mexico and SHE literally starts to crack up. I could have died a happy man at that point! I sit down. SHE is up next, SHE goes on stage and tbh I could have cared less about what she was presenting on because I couldn’t stop looking at her, she was the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. The acting coach seems to notice my enamored eyes during HER presentation and after I make a comment the teacher makes a comment about me possibly being in love with HER!!! Yes, some old random lady discovered my feelings for HER in a matter of an hour and a half and was bold enough to let HER know it!!!! But I wasn’t embarrassed for some reason, at that point I kind of wanted someone to point it out. SHE looks at me. I shrug my shoulders and mouth WTF with a grin on my face and I look her in the eyes. She turns away and laughs, she now knows the truth and I don’t care.
The last time I saw her I gave her a hug goodbye. The research program was ending with a graduation ceremony. I was wearing a white shirt and it was raining outside (TRUE STORY). I hugged her awkwardly. Her arm hit my mouth on the way around my shoulder. It was a brief hug, I held her in my arms for a split second. She tells me good luck with med school and I don’t say anything, I can’t say anything, I’m losing the love of my life. I smile at her and turn around, I now lost the love of my life.
Let’s go back a couple moments so you all don’t think I’m the biggest coward in the world. I don’t say anything because during the handing out of the diplomas I receive mine right after she did and (based on how the event was set up) she had to wait for everyone to join her off stage to take pictures as a group. I felt really good that day, confident and poised. I get my diploma and exit the stage, when I see her I make eye contact with her and hold her gaze hoping that she would hold mine, that she would smile, that she would invite me to say that I love her, that i would say it and that she would say it back. It didn’t happen, she broke eye contact immediately, after the ceremony she flirted with another guy in our class. At that point it dawned on me: she never REALLY liked me, all that laughing at my jokes, all that nervousness during conversations, that nice dress, that make up, all that was probably how she acted around guys, that was just her being her. I was, for the first time in my life, heartbroken.
Well I lied now that I think about it, that wasn’t the last time I saw her, I saw her again maybe 20 minutes after I hugged her. I went to get my bike to ride back home, the rain had stopped. She was on the bike path, looking around, for her friends or family I assume. Weird that she was on the bike path though and it SUCKED that I saw her standing there because for YEARS I would try to convince myself that she was looking for me, to tell me that she did love me, and that her flirting with the other guy was to get me jealous. But no, that probably wasn’t the case.
Anyways that’s the story, that was the story of AT, a girl I met when I was 13 years old. A girl I fell in love with the very first time I saw her. To not speaking to her in middle school and high school, to going to different universities and me still somehow thinking and dreaming about her and KNOWING that I would get my chance to meet her eventually, to finally getting my chance and then being too scared to do anything.
It’s 5 years later, I am a fourth year medical student months from starting my neurosurgery residency and yet all that medical knowledge still hasn’t drowned out the thoughts of her. Tbh I still think about if she did like me, but then even if she did like me she could never love me the way I would have loved her and knowing that in itself would have been painful. Tbh she was probably my soulmate, perfect for me in every aspect; besides being the prettiest girl in the world she was smart, kind, generous, loving, compassionate, and funny. All the things it takes effort for me to be, she simply WAS. I now understand that perhaps soulmates aren’t meant to stick around but to prepare you for meeting your next love. I know now that I may never feel about a girl the way I did her but if I get any sort of similar inkling I will shout my love from the mountain tops. For all you out there, please, if the stars seem to align in your favor, have the courage to act, not because not acting will lead to heartache but because taking action may lead to a true and eternal love with someone you are destined to be with.
Thanks for reading!!!!!!
Thank your for sharing. This touched my heart. I hope you get a chance at love again. I know how love lost feels. But at the same time i feel blessed to have loved at all.