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Please don’t judge! I’ve been judging

Please don’t judge! I’ve been judging myself for the past 2 years and I know that everything that will pass through your mind is true and yes- I AM A HORRIBLE person, but I know I’ve changed- I know my mistake and I just need a simple word of advice for my future, because I want to be a better person, I want to DO better, I want to be someone who is able to be happy…

It started 2 years ago- October 11th to be exact. I live in a small town where everyone knows each other and worst of all each other’s business. I had amazing friends and never did I do anything to ruin the reputation of the good girl that I was. I had morals and principles and I never gave in to pressure. So a girl friend of mine (who had a bad reputation of being with too many guys) was dating a guy who was much older then her and we all kind of accepted him as one of us.

So what happened was my girlfriend moved because she was starting college, and they tried to make the long distance relationship work. However the guy started doing stuff that i didn’t approve of (flirting with her friends, making out with her friends) and I went up to him to tell him that all of that was wrong. He kept away from me for a while and one night at a party where we were all a little drunk he pulled me away. I though it was because he wanted to talk to me about her but he forcefully kissed me. I ran away and pretended none of that happened. The next thing I know is he started texting me, calling me, telling me he never felt like this for anyone else.. I was confused, sad and mad at myself for doing this to a friend.

I went away for a while and while I was away word on the street said they ended up breaking up. I felt like all of this was my fault. A while later I came back and confronted him about everything and he said that no matter what I do, he fell in love with me and he can’t hold it back. I ignored him for months- that was until my girlfriend came back and started accusing me of being promiscuous on purpose in order for them to break up. I was devastated- Never ever had I done anything to make him want me- I was only keeping an eye on her and she came off accusing me. So I distanced myself away from everyone and as soon as she left the guy came up to my mom telling her how he has strong feelings for me and how he wants to date me. My mom as any normal mom did not approve and told me to keep away from him. So here I was 20 years old confused, mad, lonely… and I ended up giving him a chance to hang out and talk about what happened. We started hanging out quite frequently- it was nothing like dating strictly on friend basis. Since I lost touch with my girlfriend after the accusations I felt relieved and gave him a chance to see what he was really like. He proved to me he was the nicest, most outstanding, courageous guy ever. So… I know you guessed it right I started dating him secretly. He would do anything for me and to be honest it was something I never experienced. A while later because I felt like I owed an explanation to everyone I confronted my mom about me dating him (she was against it) but I gave in too much to listen to anyone. I wrote a letter to my ex friend explaining how sorry I was and how I seriously never meant to hurt her and that series of unfortunate events lead to this. So we were official. Everything was blooming, people started accepting us- hell my dad even accepted him. So as the relationship grew stronger we started getting closer. He knew that my virginity was a big deal to me and that I wanted to do it with my future husband and that no one will come between the pact I had made to myself when I was young. Because he proposed (secretly) a while back- somehow I felt safe and I gave in. It was beautiful and he was very caring and patient. We tried making love 3 times to be exact after I found out I was pregnant. Yes after my 3rd time I became pregnant. So here we are planning everything ( I was devastated, scared, humiliated, happy, sad all at the same time). He wanted us to keep it as for me (don’t judge) I had my doubts. So we gave some time to plan everything out…I swear to you you won’t even believe and will think of all of this as a lie when I tell you the next thing we find out is that his mother has a 4th Stage Cancer. As soon as I found out this I knew that the best thing that needed to be done was to not keep the baby (because we were both in college, unemployed, I had strict parents and now his mom battling with cancer). He was very supportive throughout the whole procedure and after it was done, we kind of drifted apart. I was mostly made all the time he was very quiet but we continued on with our relationship. Summer approached and we were both thinking of opening up a bar for the summer along with some other friends. And that’s what we did. We did great for a while until a guy that I dated a long time ago came back to my life. He kept following me everywhere I went. Of course I ignored all of this but I guess it secretly bothered my boyfriend. So he felt like he needed to repay me for the guy following me and guess who comes back in both of our lives…His ex girlfriend and my ex friend.

We constantly fought… He would go for drinks with her, he would go out with her and her new friend, he would fight with me because it bothered me, and a lot of times he even said I love you and I wold never cheat on you, but if it bothers you so much we’re over. So I was patient and didn’t break up with him right away… Instead I thought if I showed him how much I loved him he would realize that he is making a mistake… His mom was supposed to go to China for treatment and so I helped around a humanitarian group for donations on behalf of his Mom. I had a lot of friends who did publishing- they helped me spread the word around for more donations. But everything I did somehow wasn’t good enough.

It made me look like a fool in front of everyone in our town. My dad got really mad and him and my mom started forbidding me to see him. Later on another one of his ex’s came back to his life.. then some new girl called Nina came in the picture, then some other girl named Lisa and well the list goes on… (the names were changed)

So I decided it was time for me to move on (although I think the whole losing my virginity, the abortion, his mom being sick, the “us against the world” phase we went through made me be addicted to him) I decided I’ve had enough and I had to get my life together. Few days passed I turned off my phone, deactivated my facebook account, didn’t speak to anyone… he comes on my door with a prepared speech, twelve roses, and dinner reservations. As stupid as this may sound I decided I would give him another chance.. for the sake of all of those repressed feelings I had towards him.. Few weeks after we got back together his family along with him had decided to move to a different state because of his mom’s situation. As they moved I thought this whole thing would ruin our relationship but surprisingly it didn’t. We grew a bit stronger we went for a mini vacation in the fall- he took me to Venice Italy. Later on we stayed with his parents for few weeks. I grew a strong relationship with his mom and to be honest she was one of the purest most honest person I have ever met. I hoped he would look up to her and learn from her the whole time.. I came back to my old town and we continued to make this relationship work. I left my studies aside and focused only on our relationship. Meanwhile my own family started pushing me to break up with him because I literally put my life aside for him. As I struggled through with my family he was the only person I could count on. He came to visit me every other month. And we talked of moving in together once we’re both done with our studies, marriage, children, work etc. It was slowly going back to the beginning where it was only me and him. He started working at a 5 star Hotel in order for us to have money to see each other.. And it went great for a while… again all until summer approached. I went to visit him for a month. During that month I found out he was still in touch with his ex, talking to 2 new girls he’s met at work (both intern students) and once again he turned it all around made it seem like nothing was going on. I talked to his mother about it and she said that he has been laying low not going out other then work, and that I shouldn’t be worried about it.

Few weeks later we both came back to my town and spent time together for a while until we got a call from his dad saying his mom wasn’t doing good and that he had to go back.
That month he lost his mother. I was devastated and all I wanted to do is be with him so that’s what I did. I went there and gave him and his family all the support they needed. I stayed for two weeks and during the two weeks he constantly repressed his feelings as I tried to get them out all it did was bring fights and misunderstanding to our relationship. His ex had messaged him saying how sorry she was and he had responded in a way he never responded me. He was making her feel better and telling her that he is going to be all right, and that she shouldn’t worry about him. I got really mad because not once had he made me feel better about anything in my life where as for her he found the nicest, gentle words to make her feel better. I asked him many times if he wanted to be with her but he keeps denying it and he constantly says and I quote “If I didn’t want to be with you, I wouldn’t go through all of this just to be with you. If I wanted to be with her I would have never done that to her”.

I came back to my town and here I am feeling lost, confused, unhappy, miserable because of what happened to him but I cannot trust him and I am wondering if there is any cure for an obsessive mind such as mine who is not able to let go after everything he has done to me.

I want to ask everyone if I should feel the need to be with him just because he was my first (which I know he is using it against me) because in every fight he says you will never break up with me get over yourself.
And after I stand my ground and tell him it’s over I get this feeling that no one will want a girl who has had sexual intercourse before and that no one will take me seriously.. and I run back to him.
Please help me. Please I am desperate- My life is heading no where (and I was an honor roll student from grade 1 till my last year of college) and I feel bad for all the potential I possessed that will not make a change because I am in a dragging tornado of a relationship.

One Comment

  1. In my opinion, it’s completely normal for you to feel obsessive, and to feel like he’s all you have and to feel insecure. But I’m pretty sire deep down you know that this relationship, it isn’t healthy for you. I personally think that there is someone out there for everyone, but even I get insecure sometimes. Right now you may believe that you can’t let him go, but I think the reason you think that is because your so used to him that he’s relatively ‘safe’.
    Just put everything else aside and think about this for a moment…. who wouldn’t want a pretty, funny, strong well educated girl who has a good job and a good personality?
    Many people would, but the way I see it, live up to that you have to break it off with him. Maybe it will take you sometime to find someone afterwards, but life isn’t JUST boys, there’s so much more to live for. But you might not experience that unless you let go.
    If he doesn’t really make you happy and your going down because of him, he’s not good for you and your better off without him. There WILL be someone after him, but that can only happen if you end it with him.
    I hoped this helped. May the force be with you!:)

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