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I was not made for living

5th December, 2015.

I was not made for living.
I was made for destruction. I am destruction.
Nobody needs me, nobody lives for me, except me, unfortunately. And I am so week. I’m a coward. I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t have a reason to live. Not one, except maybe kindness. Kindness is what kept me alive. And then people say I am rude. And what do you think, how rude would I be if I kill myself. Oh, I would be awful. Because, ´how could I?´ , ´how could I do that to them?´, ´how dare I?´. But how can I live in such place. I can’t do it anymore.

Every day is worse than the day before, and to be honest, I don’t have hope anymore. I don’t think anything could bring me back from this. Nobody and nothing can. I don’t enjoy music and tv-shows anymore. Even that. Okay, maybe some music, like the depressed ones. No one can help me, no one can. I am left alone to be eaten by darkness.

And one day when I will be gone, I pray God to have mercy to me because I never had. You may think I wanted this or something like that. You will say: “She did nothing about that. She should’ve tried.“ Oh man, you are so wrong. I never wanted this life. Never!! I always wanted to be normal person, like „stupid“ or childish sometimes but all I could do was pretend. Pretend I was someone else.

Oh, yes, I forgot. I am rude. I care only about myself. Nobody else is important.
That is what everybody else think. And I started to think it to. Long time ago. And maybe I really don’t feel a thing anymore, who knows. I don’t know, but I keep asking myself – what kind of emotionless person would cry her/his soul out after someone said that to her/him. What kind of emotionless person would kill herself/himself after someone said something like that to her/him because she/he don’t want to be a bourdon to anyone? I don’t know. Maybe I don’t hope anymore for living normal, but I hope that I am not emotionless and rude like they say.
So, stranger, tell me reason why should I stay alive?

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