It just hurts.
I don’t really know how this works… but I’m trying. I’m alone and it hurts. I just want a friend. I don’t have any now.

I used to have friends, a lot of them. But we were never really close, I mean getting married and moving to another country for two years would strain any relationship I guess, but mine never stood a chance.

I never told people my secrets, and so they never told me theirs… and that is how you become strong friends I think. maybe not -what do I know about friends?

I fell in love once though, thats why I got married. I fell in love with a man.

I was nineteen on our wedding day, and I will be 23 when our divorce is finalized. Our daughter will be almost 2.

He used to be nice to me, sometimes, nice enough anyway. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t very kind, because I loved him.
I didn’t care about me, just him. I wanted to make him happy so I did everything he told me to. Well, I tried to. sometimes I didn’t clean well enough, or I spoke out of line… he hated that. But I never did it on purpose.

Sometimes I burnt dinner, not very often though… Too often I guess… or I didn’t cook the right meal.

When you get a craving for chicken you want chicken, am I right? not enchiladas. I mean, I would always try to find out what he wanted for dinner and cook it, but sometimes he didn’t reply soon enough, and if I waited too long then dinner wouldn’t be ready when he got home… you know? So i would have to guess.

I guessed wrong sometimes.

I should of known better.
Or tried harder.
I mean he did tell me he LOVED the enchiladas I made the week before, but still I should have known he wanted the chicken this time…
It’s my own fault.
That’s what he said.
That’s what he always said, so I believed him.
Because I loved him.
Because I love him.
He was my only friend.
Partly because he was the only one i told my secrets to, and partly because he wouldn’t let me talk to anyone else.

He’s in the army, that’s why we moved out of the country.
We got married and moved to South Korea. we stayed in an apartment.
I stayed in an apartment.
He went to work. he went out. he saw his friends.
I stayed in the apartment.
He was my only friend.
I wasn’t really allowed to call my family, because he was my family now.
I realized after writing that, that it never occurred to me I wasn’t really ever allowed to call him either. only text-because I would bother him if I called…
I bothered him a lot.
I always wanted hugs, and kisses. and not to get hit.

You don’t always get what you want.
Nobody does.
I was lucky.
He told me so.
He let me live in his apartment, and he let me eat.
I was lucky to have him.
He told me so.
And so what if I didn’t get hugs and kisses?
I mean, we had sex all the time.
Every day.
Even when I didn’t want to.
Even when I said no.
Not that I said no a lot…
He hated that.
And I loved him.
Gee hated crying too.
So I just did that when he was gone.
He was gone a lot… and I always missed him, because I love him. Loved him. Love him.
And he was my only friend.
He was my family.
He was all I had.
Nobody else wanted me.
And i was lucky.

He told me so.

I mean, he really is (was? is?) the closest friend I ever had.
He knows all my secrets.
He knows that my father was a child molester.
And he knows what my father did to me.
I told him, because I love (loved? love?) him.
But we don’t talk about that.
Because its annoying when I cry, and talking about it makes me cry.
Because I’ve never had a friend I could talk to about it.
I mean, sometimes we talked about it I guess… when I say I want to get out of the apartment… he would remind me that if I left someone might find me and hurt me like my father did.
He was such a good friend for protecting me.
Right? of course.

I got pregnant the first time…
I was so excited when I found out, and surprised (even though we never used contraceptives because he didn’t want to)
He was also surprised.
He was not excited.
Maybe he was scared.
Or nervous.
I was so happy.
Until I lost the baby.
I had a form of miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy.
My baby was growing in my Fallopian tube instead of my womb. there was no more room for the baby there and i lost her, and almost myself.
I was home alone again.
I got an ambulance and went to the hospital.
He got there a couple hours later.
I had to stay for two weeks, because of complications. he came to see me for a couple minutes a couple times.
Not often because he was busy, I guess.
I mean, he didn’t have to work while I was in the hospital because his sergeant knew I needed him with me during the time I was hospitalized.
But, he’s a busy guy.
And I was boring.
And I kept crying.
And he hates crying.
And I kept acting like such a “baby”
My baby.
Our baby.
My baby.
I’m so annoying.
Why did I have to be so sad all the time?
“just get over it!”
“if you want to die then just kill yourself.”
“i’m just kidding”
“but really shutup.”
“its annoying when you cry.”

I mean, he was right, I am so annoying when I cry.
And when I talk

I left the hospital, and my Dr told me that i had to be on bedrest for at least a week when i got home.
But he was so bored all this time
So we stopped on the walk home… (he didn’t want to pay for a taxi, or drive his car) and we got bikes.
Bikes.
We got new bikes and rode them home.
“stop being such a fucking baby”
A baby
My baby
Our baby
My baby
“i just got you a bike. do you know how much these cost me? you better shut up and be thankful”
I was so lucky.

He told me so.

He always got me stuff.
He didn’t have to get me a bike, but he did.
He did.
And we got home, after a while.
And we had sex
You know… because he loved me and missed me
And “shut up you’re fine, I bet it doesn’t even really hurt, stop being selfish I haven’t had sex in two weeks.”

“stop crying.”

“you’re such a baby”

My baby.
Our baby
My baby.

Needless to say i got pregnant again.
I lost my baby in September.
I was pregnant again in November.

I was so happy.
And so scared.

He was not happy
Hell he wasn’t even scared.
He was just kinda annoyed.

Annoyed.
At my baby.
Our baby?
My baby.

Pregnancy was an amazing and tough time, for all the same reasons it is for anyone.

Choosing a name, morning sickness, sweet baby kicks, painful baby kicks…

He didn’t want to go to the doctor with me, understandable, doctors are boring.
He didn’t want to see the ultrasounds, I mean, you cant tell what you’re looking at anyway.
He did go with me once though, to find out the baby’s gender.
That was fun
Until it wasn’t.

You see, he wanted a boy,

And we were having a girl

And girls are annoying

You know?
We cry
And we act like such “babies”
((my babies.))

I ended up having to go to the hospital five weeks early
(my daughter is fine now. And strong and smart and beautiful and funny and perfect)
He got to the hospital a few hours after me

They induced me, because my water was leaking. I was in labor for two and a half days.

He wasn’t there. I was alone.

Because I was annoying.

They tried to give me an epidural but it made my baby’s heartbeat drop too low so they took it out.
So I was crying
And complaining
And I was in a lot of pain.
And I was being “a baby”

So he left

I ended up having to have an emergency c section
I was so afraid, because I had never been under anaesthesia before, or had any surgery , or so much as a single stitch in my life…
I called him and i told him I was scared, and he told me to shut up and stop acting like a baby.
“like a baby”

I woke up in a weird cold room. I was already screaming before I was conscious. I don’t know where I am or why I’m in excruciating pain. I’m screaming for help. I’m screaming for my husband and no one is helping me. They’re ignoring me.

Because they don’t speak English.

And I only speak English.

I remember where I am and I try to find my baby.

They start trying to talk to me and hold me down but I’m very very confused and the drugs are still effecting me, and I’m not used to them a all.
They push me on the bed to my husband.

He’s laughing

He says our baby (my baby) is fine

Shes ok

I’m confused
I tell him it hurts
They show us that my IV has a button, you push it to release pain medicine.
He pushes it once
The lady walks away
He pushes it until it until im asleep

I wake up

It’s empty

I dont know if I’m awake or asleep

I annoyed him, so he gave me the full pain medicine bag
All at once
I can’t figure out what is real and what is not
I am scared
Everything is confusing me
Everything hurts
And every time I ask about my baby I cant see her yet for different reasons
Tomorrow I will find out that she is in the NICU with a lung that does not work and tubes everywhere.
I will not see her for another day after that, and only for 15 minutes through glass. she is crying, silently, and occasionally her chest appears to collapse completely.
I do not see her again for four more days.
After a week and a half i may finally touch her.
Nut only for 20 minutes.

((at two weeks i take her home and she is perfectly healthy.))

But, the first two days while she was in the NICU I lay in my hospital bed and struggle to find out what is happening around me.

He constantly tells them I need more meds, even though I have not asked for them.
I distinctly remember things that i know to be untrue, impossible, and unreal.

He leaves, and does not return for two days.
When he comes back he is annoyed at me for crying.

I cry because i do not know if my baby will live
I cry because i can not hold her
I cry because she is in pain, she is alone in a box, she needs me, and she’s alone. she’s alone and I hate being alone and she’s my baby and I want her.
I cry because “I’m a baby”
Our baby
Our poor baby is crying
And I’m crying
And he’s not
I’m scared
And our baby is scared
And he’s not
And I’m nervous
And our baby is nervous
And he’s not
And I’m sad
And our baby is sad
And he’s not
And I’m crying
And my baby is crying
And he’s not
And hate him
Because I love her and he doesn’t.

Because I miss our babies, and he doesnt

Because our daughter is VERY likely dying all alone in a box and he doesn’t care.

He’s bored

He’s annoyed

He cant find anything to watch on this stupid tv
He cant think of anything fun to do in this stupid boring place
He’s gonna go hang out with his friends
He’s gonna go get something to eat

I’m hurting
My baby is hurting
And he is bored

Bored

My mind is racing, my heart is pounding, I cant think of anything but my poor sick hurting baby

And he’s bored

We go home.
she’s still in NICU
The medicine they are giving her for her lung to work is not helping, they will try a new one tomorrow but if it doesn’t help, she will die.

we go home
And he rapes me
and i cry
Because my baby might die tomorrow
My baby might already be dead
And he goes to sleep.
And I cry
And my baby cries
And we are both alone

And she cant sleep

And I cant sleep
And he can
And I hate him.

She eventually comes home.
She is perfect

I listed all the ways she is perfect, but I removed it from this post.
It made me happy, so I saved it somewhere separate.
Somewhere happier.

We live in another country from my family.
And from the friends I used to have

And I have no money
And I have no way to get back to them

So I stay
And I hold my baby
And love her
And I am happy
And nothing else matters

Me and him argue, and I threaten to leave sometimes, but he threatens to kill me. He threatens to steal my baby from me.

So I stay.

We move back to america, a different state than my family. Far away.

I don’t tell them what he’s done to me.
I still don’t understand why I didn’t.
Because I hated him
Because I loved him
Because he was my only friend
Because I lived with just him for two years, alone, with literally no one else to ever talk to.
Because I believed it when he said I needed him, when he said I couldn’t live without him, when he said I was worthless, when he said he would kill me if I tried, when he said he would take her away.

I stayed

My daughter deserved a family, I didn’t want to rip her away from her father, and I didn’t want him to rip her away from me.
I need her
She needs me

He didn’t hit me any more, since we brought her home from the hospital.
And she was safe

Until she wasn’t

Until i wasn’t

Until he grabbed me by the throat because he was tired and it was my job to keep her quiet while he tried to sleep

And she was crying
And he hates crying
Because crying is annoying
And she was being “such a baby”

Such a baby
My baby

I left him
We left him

And our divorce will be finalized soon

And he didn’t try to fight for her

I have custody and we are fine

We live with my parents, which is not ideal, for anyone, and I’m sad for a lot of reasons.

But I have my baby
And it’s ok if she cries like a baby
and it’s ok if i cry like a baby
And it all hurts so much, and most of the time i have no idea what to do.
And I don’t have any friends
Because he was my only friend
And my family only knows so much
And everything hurts

But she makes it better

But it still hurts

-nunnuh bishop