I’ll start from the beginning. I was born. In the first years of my life I was an average baby. When I began to walk and talk, that is when it all changed. The need to be loved, is all I was missing then, but it changed for the worst. I began to become bitter at age 4 because of cruelty, emotional, and psychological abandonment. My parents weren’t there for me on the inside. I became suicidal at age 4 as well. I was picked on in school by everyone and had no one at all. Slowly and surely my parents began to hate me. A friend raped me when I was 6, my supposed friend was 7. My dad possibly molested me as he had molested my half and adopted sisters. The years went by as nothing changed until I was 12. One day my dad killed himself, maybe my mom killed him, we don’t know. My mom did contemplate killing him especially after she found the journal containing the experiences of my dad about him molesting and raping children. After this me and my mom went to North Carolina after my aunt stole my property and two houses from me. We lived in NC for a year. I then came back to GA and stayed with my brother in law and sister. For the first time in my I life had a little joy, but it only lasted a few months. I was able to play games and get high all day. But that all soon vanished. I ended up staying with one of the 3 I called a friend but I never saw for years. His dad was a drunk and bullied me the entire time I stayed there, so I eventually moved in with my sister and brother-in-law again. I was 14 then and my mom dies shortly after this, she’s been in hospital for about a year now. The last thing I told his dad the same day he died was I wish you were dead and I also watched my mom die and the last breath leave her body. It’s in these moments and the moments my memories come back I’m filled with pain and hurt and even anger. It was when I was 14 I started going to church, I felt a change inside of me. I was no longer an evil spawn, I tried to change, to become righteous. It took many years. But when I began spiritually my beginning in that to was rough. I saw no forgiveness or mercy or compassion for myself. I would look myself in the mirror and tell myself I was going to hell. I had an obsession with dominatrixes too, that started around this time as well. Eventually me my sister and brother-in-law started getting on things other then weed. We got on some hard drugs and drove each other apart. It got to the point I slept with a lot of weapons on my bed out of paranoia of my brother-in-law attacking me in my sleep. My sister and I became friends with the neighbour, and my sister and I moved in with him. Her and him are still together even though we found out he was a real monster. I couldn’t handle living there and left and became homeless at the age of 16-17. I eventually moved in with a friend, I got weed from from time to time. But the place we lived had only 2 rooms, no electricity and no plumbing. We had to shit in a 5 gallon bucket and dump it in the septic tank ourselves. We started working for $20 a day for a guy down the road, we did construction work. Eventually I was accused of things I didn’t do and felt my life was in danger and I moved in with my aunt and uncle.
I started back going to school. At my aunt and uncle’s I was treated like a 5 year old retarded slave. I was emotionally abused. That lasted for a year, then I left, I went to the woods and stayed there. Another guy I bought weed from sometimes let me stay with him. It was then I developed sever anorexia/bulimia. My friend got angry if I ate his food and I was in the woods a lot. I walked 10+ miles a day for 6 months straight, from my friends to my sisters and back everyday. My friend was a meth head though and eventually became friends with a thief. That thief blamed us for things we didn’t do and got us busted for weed. I spent 8 hours in a holding cell, I realised that jail will turn you to a monster. The things I thought in those 8 hours are very very violent, but we got bailed out. Then I moved into a camper and was working under the table. I hated my job a lot, I eventually got a new job but fractured my shin at work. Then I got with my 4th ex girlfriend while I was on crutches, we were homeless and walked many miles. We eventually moved in with my cousin, on my dads side. My ex girlfriend and cousin, as I found out later were on meth and stole all I had. I was then sent to the psych-ward for suicidal issues. When I was kicked out the psych-ward I roamed around Jacksonville for 2 days on crutches. Then I wound up back at my aunt and uncles house that I left from 2 years ago. The whole time having spiritual battles. I see demons and ghosts. I’ve felt holy presences. I’ve also been given 3 visions in my life, my first vision is of what it was like being on the cross crying tears of blood, my second vision is of why the earth, heaven, hell, angels, demons and us were created. Through out my life I’ve been strong and weak. It goes in ups and downs. I’ve felt like I could take on armies and like I was on the verge of killing myself. My whole life I’ve suffered. I’ve experienced little to no joy in my 20 years of this hell called earth. But somehow I’m still alive and haven’t killed myself or died from the harsh conditions that I’ve suffered.