I swear the last thing I remember was sitting there in absolute isolation, the pain I felt, the dreariness that exuded from my soul, I didn’t want to go on. What I did to you was not fair and I’m forever sorry.
I faced the choices of staying with you while constantly causing you pain, and simply letting you go. I chose the latter. I know, why didn’t I just treat you right and not hurt you? But I wasn’t seeing things clearly; my mental state was deep in the valley of depression. And my idiotic reluctancy to express emotion didn’t allow me to share with you what was wrong with me.
It changed how I acted towards you, you didn’t deserve that. Yet I still cared about you so when I would hurt you, it would spiral me deeper into that valley. I was wrong, and I hate myself daily for it. The image of tears caused by my actions running down your soft, beautiful face shatters my heart infinitely. I wasn’t myself, it wasn’t me.
This spiral was making me worse and worse, and causing you more emotional pain than I would have ever wanted to see you endure. I was out of my mind. I ended it, fuck. I couldn’t shake the fact that your being with me was only causing you emotional trauma, and I knew you loved me too much to let me go. I love that about you.
But I too loved you deeply and it was the last thing I wanted to do, but I knew you could work past me eventually and see happiness again, that’s all I ever wanted in this world, to see you happy. In this dark state of mind, I was in, the dual wheeled pain I was experiencing mixed with the depression was a concoction for disaster, so I did the worst thing I’ve ever done. I closed off. Pretended as if I wasn’t going through all of this, I felt like an empty shell walking the earth. A wandering zombie of pain and regret.
I lost myself for months on end. Most nights I would just think about you, the memories, the way your hand felt in mine. How unselfish in nature you were, just the single most caring individual I have ever been graced with and I took that for granted. You were smart, beautiful, you were everything. Everything I ever have wanted, and I fucked up.
When I drive alone and one of our songs come on, I look to the right at the empty passenger seat and tears explode out of my eyes as a flood of emotions hit me. I regret everything. All my life I wanted you and when I found you, I knew it was you and I thought it was forever, yet instead I lost it all. Now I roam purposeless, attempting to find some glimpse of worth in my life, so far, my findings are few and far between. If I could flip a switch and change everything I would in a heartbeat. I think about that a lot, too much.
I know it’s probably too late, this isn’t supposed to be a cry for attention or a justification of my actions, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately and it’s made me realize this is how I feel. I love you.