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I wish I never took that decision…

i wish i never took that decision… I wanted to have a boyfriend but dun know why I feel that he ruined my life… He did so much for me that i could never forget… He cares for me… But don’t know y he always makes me remember of my each and every mistake that i never did intentionally… I had boyfriends in my past but I am serious for him like hell… He told his mother about our relationship… But from that time he always puts every kind of blame on me… Whether it is from a simple to simplest mistake… That too those mistakes that I never did… And even I feel like he is taking me far away from my friends… I do had sex with him just my trusting him on each and every moment… But some days before my best friend argued with him as i was not talking to her from a long time… She just asked him what was the problem… Was I alright… But he took it in a another way…he always thought that i insult him in front of everyone which was wrong…i never did this…moreover he is so possessive that he cant even see me talking to the guy whom i cal my brother… Because of my past he always taunt me that I have backups and could get any other guy easily… And that too that I don’t understand him…. Even after knowing everything I did for him.. I always made our anniversary damn special… He live as a paying guest because he came here to study… He lives alone and I am scared that he will do something really more than worse… I just want to get out of this asap because my mom is not well and he continuously threats me of telling each and everything to my mom… What should I do please help me… I feel like I am dying each n every moment… There is a lot more but I don’t have that much energy as I am getting weak day by day.. Please help me what to do I am literally helpless and don’t want to hurt my mom as well as his mom too.. :'(

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At the age of 18 got married to a man…

At the age of 18 got married to a man I love so much, and have 3 children with him . Soon after my first child my husband become a monster and starting abusing me every day. It was like hell I have to run out of my own house . When he come from work he stated fighting with the kids. When I come to see what’s going on he grab me by my hair and hit me in my face pulling out my hair from my head till he hear my scalp cracks, I try to run out my own house and he chase me till he get me but he could never catch me . When I come back home I find my kids lock up in the room . If I wanted to help them he grab me and chock me till I faint and when I wake up out of that faint he throw me in the dog kennel and wanted me to bark. if I don’t do what he say I must sleep out side . He become a alcoholic and give up his job I when to go look for a job and got it. When I come from work I have to knock on my own house door.. when he open up he tell me if I didn’t great then I can’t come in, my kids was just stand and watching what they father do to me. I humble my self just for the sake of my kids to come in the house , he try to kill me but I just pray lord have mercy . Then he wait until I felt asleep. at 3 o’clock night time he open the doors from the house and wake me up. Out of my sleep I don’t event no who I am anymore Swear at me and tell my to get up and make me some food that time of the night then I got up and do what he say just to keep the peace as I walk to the kitchen he throw me by force out of that open door and in I loud voice he call the gangster to rap and kill me . I hide my self in the dog kennel when he come out to see where I am. Then he want to hang the dog on the washing line .I call the cops and the cops come to arrest him but what he do.. he lock him up in the house my kids become mentally disturb they event sleep with they shoes on just in case we must run for our lives . When we go to bed he stated making fire in the mid night taking of the doors from the house and burn it out and take my close and my I’d book and burn everything up. I have to run every night with my kids and sleep outside where I stay in a gangster town I event sleep in the peoples yard where no one could see us , it start. Be coming to much for me and I call a priest and when the priest come he swear at then and tell then to fockof before he stab me . It become so terrible that I have to seek for a safe place for my kids. I.have to say al over places that my children when to so much of different schools that hey could no more learn I when for a divorce and move to my mum while my divorce was still in progress in the same time I lost my mum and become hopeless I got no where to turn to. But just to stay focus but I become sick with mentally illness . I got a phone call from my lawyer to say I must come because my husband is going to give me noting from his estate I when to my lawyer and tell him I don’t want noting because my heart is broken and I’m about to trip. My lawyer told me he will fight for me all what I could say, as long as I got my children I got everything the lawyer give me my date to be in court to finish the divorce . And on the same day a car knock him dead . heard was of his body his arms was of his legs also was of, and that is how god divorce me, and I become a widow at the age of 32, and to day I’m 52, praise god for what my children turn out of the abusing life they have . All of them become top cops in the saps. Thank you god for being with me and my children’s you are my husband forever amen

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Here’s how I wasted 2 of my teen years,…

Here’s how I wasted 2 of my teen years, and in return wasted the remainder of someone else’s.

We are all ware of the importance of the development both physically and mentally that occurs during the teen years, and we’re all aware that these developments can be affected through multiple traumas, issues and plain fuck-ups. Here’s how I fucked up my mind in my teens.

When I was but a young’n, I met this wonderful girl, let’s call her Melissa. Melissa was pretty, funny and to top it all off, the target of many others’ affection. However, after months of her jumping between boyfriends and having short periods of being single, she decided to give the nerdy, slightly out-of-shape me a try after I helped her stop smoking weed.

At first, she was underwhelmed as I was shy and cautious with everything I said and did around her, yet as we moved into out 3rd/4th month or-so, I gained a healthy charisma around her and from that blew her mind at what I was capable of, both as someone to love and someone to have love with, if you catch my drift. During this period of change in our relationship, she began to grow an intense obsession over me, which is something I didn’t mind at the time, yet would become problematic in time.

After about 9 months, it was Christmas time. Of course we would buy each other gifts, yet she was becoming so obsessive and worried about what I wanted that it was actually pretty scary, so at that point I told her that I really didn’t mind and would rather have her feel calm and relaxed about our relationship rather than constantly fumbling over every mistake that she thought she had made. Of course, I worded this a little more friendly like. This was both the biggest mistake and best decision I had made in this whole relationship.

After this she became cold and distant, which worried me greatly, and after 3 or 4 months of time she came to me, claiming that she was forced to have sex with another guy, which I will call “Dean”. I was shocked and helped her through this like anyone else would, making sure that she recovered healthily and with much love and support. I then thought it would be a great idea to bring her with me on the school summer trip to Italy, which we both had a wonderful time on, enjoying the R&R that came with it.

On the way back from Italy, she is spending a lot of time on her phone, which she accounted to her “cousin” texting her a lot about “family” summer plans. of course, through my use of inverted commas, you can tell something was up, so when she went to the bathroom for a few minutes, I picked up her phone and saw a barrage of texts from another guy, Dean. Dean was our age, and was muscle-y, handsome and had the intelligence of a half-chewed shoelace. It was at this point I discovered that she was not held against her will, and rather was just cheating on me because she was angry due to her own obsession.

Of course, when she returned, I was livid. I began to explain how much care and love I had given her in return for this, and during my (justified) rant, she began bawling her eyes out. It was from this point forward I was heralded as an abusive, hateful partner by the most of my school group, simply for confronting a cheating, lying girl about her affairs.

Please let me emphasise; I WAS HATED FOR BEING CHEATED ON, SIMPLY BECAUSE THE CHEATER WAS CRYING AFTER HAVING A 4 MONTH AFFAIR WITH ANOTHER GUY BEHIND MY BACK.

Most of us would, when given this situation, would break up with the cheating psycho. But I couldn’t. I was being forced to stay with her, as she would accuse me of abuse and assault, when I had never even laid a finger on her without her strict permission, and she had emotionally tortured me out of spite.

So for 1 entire year, I was made to stay with her. She regressed into her psychotic obsession for me, beginning to copy the things that I did, my hobbies, mannerisms, you name it. Eventually she became so reliant on my input, influence and attention that she would actively intimidate me with very real threats of accusation and reputational dismantling just to keep me in line.

However, with school behind me at this point, and me being nearly an independent adult, I began to do my own thing without her, one of such things was going to a concert in a nearby city which a few friends were attending. While there, I met a wonderful girl who had been in the year above me in my school, and she opened my eyes to what a real loving companion should be, and while remaining faithful to my current psycho-crazy-cheating girlfriend, didn’t take that any further than conversation and a few playful smiles.

However, when I returned home, I was bombarded by my girlfriend regarding the concert, her saying that I was cheating on her with some, as she put it, “hipster whores”, and said that she was going to tell everyone if I didn’t apologise immediately.

Most of us would, when given this situation, would agree to the apology to make sure that our reputation was not crumbled by some psycho-crazy-bitch. However, I simply told her what had happened that night, and told her I was leaving her.

She immediately began bawling, telling me that she didn’t want my kind, funny and supportive self to leave her, and in return I simply told her that she should have shown me some compassion outside of an unhealthy obsession, and the occasional affair.

That was yesterday, and I am the happiest I have ever been, with a date organised with the wonderful girl I had met at the concert, and the psycho-ex attempting to get me back in any way she can, and I can tell you now, she never will.

I guess the moral of this story is, don’t tie yourself down early. If you believe that you want to be with someone, don’t jump right in, take it slowly and make sure you’re comfortable together, and most importantly, if someone cheats on you, don’t let them twist that in their favour. Also, don’t let others take control of your life, you’re your own person, and you should do what you want, not what they want.

Thank you for reading my strange story, and have a wonderful day :)

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Last night I had a dream I found pleasant…

Last night I had a dream I found pleasant, but I’m the fuckin worst. I have a boyfriend and all but I dreamed of going on a date with a person I used to like. And the person I used to like also has a girlfriend but in my dream they broke up. We were hanging out together at the mall and I’m not sure but I think I ran away and bumped into him. We were having a normal conversation and walking around the mall. Then our hands bumped into each other and we looked at each other in surprise and he smiled and grabbed my hand and started walking. I then saw my PE teacher who knew I was dating someone else and he looked at me in disgust and asked “aren’t you dating *****?” I freaked out and then the guy I used to like (let’s call him bear) said yea and started to walk again. After a while I yanked my hand back and started panicking and bear said “it’s ok I said yea” I didn’t know what he meant by that and we started walking together again but without holding hands. We still had our normal conversations but I was blushing. He then had to leave and then I woke up. I just can’t believe I liked that dream I’m like so pissed at myself and am trying to forget everything about bear but I can’t. He was my first true love so it’s hard to forget. It’s been like this for the past 4 years. I hate myself, my boyfriend doesn’t deserve someone like me. What should I do?

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I am from China. I had a crush on a boy…

I am from China. I had a crush on a boy for a year. One day, there was a basketball match in our school and I wanted to watch it. When i was coming to playground while he was going down the stairs..but I’m shortsighted and i forgot my glasses so I couldn’t see his face…. I wonder what did his expression look like at this moment. Why i forgot the glasses?! It was a regrettable story for me.

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I am in love with a girl who doesn’t…

I am in love with a girl who doesn’t love me.

Let me explain; I’ve known her for a little while. ‘Bout a year or two. We were friends for about that long. I would stay after school because I had to tutor, and she would stay because she had college classes.

Bit of exposition needed here; we go to a middle college and are therefore allowed to attend college and normal school at the same time.

We met one day, randomly, after school. We were both sitting by ourselves and we were kind of glancing over at each other until we both kind of spoke up at the same time. This is the conversation that led to what I’m about to share with you:

Her: “I’m hungry.”
Me: “There’s a Del Taco down the street.”
Her: “Hmm.”
Me: “D’you want to go?”
Her: “Sure, why not.”

Oh how simply trouble begins.

From then on we were confidants. We would spend time together and tell one another about our problems. She would tell me about guys and I would tell her about girls. We would talk about the futures we envisioned for the both of us… We grew closer gradually.

She switched schools, but during the second semester of our senior year she came back rather unexpectedly. It was like nothing had changed; we were still really close. I found out that she had met a guy and that she was in a certain situation. He was born into a gang and his mother had tried to kill him when he was younger. She told me how although she had ORIGINALLY told me that she wanted to wait for marriage, she decided that he was “the one”. So she had sex with him. On multiple occasions. She told me that the first time they did she cried; she had long thought that a friend of hers, another guy, would be her first. Didn’t end up that way.

I think I should point out the possible love interests, here. Changing the names a bit:

Adrian; her most recent boyfriend, “the one”.

Devon; the one she wanted to be her first.

John; not mentioned yet, but her longest relationship of two years. Abusive.

Wade; another ex-boyfriend, but only an ex because they moved.

John; another John, her best friend for a time who has kissed her before.

Those are the most influential ones, at least. There are several more, but they don’t come up much.

Anyways. We eventual start spending more and more time together. Eventually, inevitably, we begin to develop feelings for the other. At this time she’s still torn up over “Adrian”, who is not allowed to see her due to some sort of Gang Code. They eventually come up with a plan to fake a relationship for him so that they can be together. A few months pass and they eventually stop seeing each other in that way. She tells me that she loves him and it really hits me hard because at this point I’m head-over-heels for this girl. She tells me that she loves him do much and I honestly just want her to be happy, so in order to help her through her troubles I decide to drop my college courses and switch into her English period. She’s elated.

Eventually we kissed. Dunno how everything led up to that. It happens and from then on we’re a little different. We start acting “couple-y” in a way, and people at school start to notice. We go to a small school, and people notice things. We’re eventually considered an “item”.

We don’t really have any problems with people thinking we’re dating. We’re actually amused by it a little.

Time goes on. We go to every dance together, she pays for most of my stuff which I allow, we’re with each other all of the time. We kiss much more often, we cuddle, we talk about everything. She thinks she’s starting to get over Angel, but I know she still loves him. She still has very strong feelings for both him and Dillan and I don’t know how I feel about it.

One day when we’re in my room we’re kissing after having a talk about the future. She stops us when we’re getting a bit hot and heavy and tells me that she’s had sex. I’m confused, because the last time we had had sex (forgot about that; we had sex one day after our youth group closed up shop for the night. We went home that night and one thing led to another.) I end up asking her what she means by that and she tells me that she was hanging out with Adrian the day before and they just started having sex. She tells me she feels faithful to me and everything and that the sex wasn’t even long. It affects me quite a bit and she can tell. She cries a little and tells me that she doesn’t want anyone else; that she only wants me. Up to this point that’s how it’s been. I forgive her for it.

More dances happen. We go out a lot more, she comes over more often. We start to make plans for her living with me. She ends up telling me that her her mother doesn’t approve of our relationship because she thinks that it’s too soon for her daughter to be in a relationship after such a serious one as her’s and Adrian’s. She starts having misgivings about what our relationship is. She tells me that she doesn’t want anything short term, and I completely agree. She tells me that she doesn’t know what will happen for us because we both ship out for basic training (Marine Corps) in October, and after that we have different MOS’s and careers; she’s a commissioned professional musician at eighteen and I’m set on sniper school after basic. We kind of put the future in the back of our minds and just focus on the present. We start getting lovey-dovey. She refuses to believe that I love her.

Grad Nite. It was wonderful to start. We basically did everything together. We had dinner and went to Disneyland. Towards the end of the night she and I meet up with Devon, the one she wanted to lose her virginity to. I’m completely fine with it, because I know how she feels and she’s completely faithful to me, even though we aren’t dating. She and him are talking for a while and I decide to give them space, ’cause they hadn’t seen one another in a while and I knew how much she cared about him.

I end up leaving with two of our friends to check the line on a ride, thinking that she would know where we were going.

She ends up waiting for me where she last saw us, thinking we’re coming back while we’re actually looking all over for her. She essentially begins to believe that I abandoned her, and she’s right. I abandoned her. When I find her later she’s completely torn up by it and she’s lost trust in me. I’m practically begging her to forgive me and I’m crying because she’s not showing any emotion, but I can see that she’d been crying. We get home and she and I are starting to cool down. We make some macaroni and cheese the way we like it, crack open a bottle of cider and take the bottle open up to my room where we end up in bed. I start trying to initiate sex and she’s telling me that she’s trying to sleep, but I take it as her trying to be playful, because she had said it the same way before. I end up leaving her alone about it and a few hours later she leaves.

The same day she had a recital that she had been stressing about for a long time, and she really wanted me to go. I really, really, really wanted to go as well, but I had no way of getting there. I end up not going and she’s crushed by it. She starts laying into me by bringing up all of the times I’ve screwed up in our strange relationship and I’m begging for forgiveness. This is mixed in with periods of relative calm where we’re talking about us in a couple-y way. This was today.

An hour or so ago she and I were talking before she went to go see Tomorrowland, a movie that she wanted to watch with me and that I wanted to watch with her. We had been arguing over the morality of our relationship. She told me that she really likes me and cares about me, but she doesn’t know how we can be together if she’s leaving in October. Her mother doesn’t approve of us being together so soon after her last relationship and she doesn’t know what she wants. All I want is for her to be happy, and it would be perfect for her to be happy with me. I would do anything for her but she doesn’t believe me. We’re so lost.

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I want to share my story. I’m…

I want to share my story. I’m 27 years old and have 3 children by 3 different men. I never thought I would. I was smart and could have had a very different life. I won’t take mine back even though I was nearly killed trying to live it. When I was a child I had dreams of a better life that where shattered and short lived. I’ve been molested, sexually assaulted, and beaten to a point I begged for my own life. I thought love wasn’t a real thing because I believed I had never felt it. Even after my children were born I struggled with the idea. If no one can love me then how do I love? In a sense I was delusional. My sisters loved me, my parents loved me and so have my children. How do I love when I’ve been cut so deep that it can no longer be stitched. I ask this question when I can’t get out of bed and feed my toddler a frozen pancake and sausage every morning. I beat myself up for not being better. For always thinking if I had been prepared my life would somehow be miraculously better. It’s possible it may haven’t been. Maybe my children saved me. Each in there own special way. The years of abuse left me in a downward spiral. Since it had started to the finish I had attempted suicide 3 times. I am still living and sometimes I question my existence. In my heart I know I’m meant to be here and I have a purpose but finding it has been turmoil. Somedays I want to relive it but then I realize I wouldn’t have what I have now. Which is a much better life than I started with. My biggest fear is me! I hold myself back from a self hatred that goes so deep I don’t even know if it’s possible to fix anymore. I realize the things that led me to this point but from my perspective now I place blame on the people who hurt me. I have yet to learn acceptance and I absolutely can not forgive. My hope is for a better tomorrow. One where I no longer feel angry or resentful. I want to move past this and I know I am not alone. There are so many of you struggling right along my side. Maybe we can do this together.

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It has been almost a year since…

It has been almost a year since I got married. The man that I married to is great person. He is caring, loving, and smart man. He love me with all his heart. We have been together for 10 years. He was not my first, he helped me got through the crazy first relationship. I am not sure if I fell in love the same way as he did. I am afraid to admit that I felt sad and he was there and i think I just settle with him. After 8 years together, he has changed and improved alot to keep me and make me happy. In the last couple years, we had a tough time where we fought, and wanted to break up. We started to see other people. He didnt like any of them, but I did met two guys. Brian is very good looking but a player and Joel is more mature and has a good job. As you know, many girls fall for player, I am one of them. I did hang out and slept with Joel. After hanging with Joel for awhile, I realized he is not my type and I had no hesitation to stop seeing him. However, I only hung out with Brian once with a group of my friends, the night wasnt that great. It was obvious that i was so shy and he didnt show any interest in me. We stopped talking for awhile then talked again until my boyfriend found out. The relationship between me and my boyfriend got worse and i was ready to move out. He still wanted to work things out and wanted another chance for us. I decide to come back and work thing out with my boyfriend. I stopped talking to Brian and Brian actually unfriended me on facebook. It actually helped me from see what Brian does. In 2014, my boyfriend and I decided to get married in summer 2014 after we had been engaged for more than 2 years. Everything went well, I was so happy and felt so in love with my husband. I decided to to back to school to finished my bachelor degree. In november 2014, i got a friend request alert and a message, it was Brian. I was surprise. I hesitated to accept him because i know i still like him and i dont know why. I decided to accept his request and sent message back to him. We started talking again. I know that is not right, i am married woman and i should not talk or flirt with other guy. I feel like i m a hypocrite, i judge other for cheating but i ended up doing the same thing. I flirted and talked alot with Brian. He seem more mature and different. Lately, I actually expressed my feeling for him and his response seems he s interested in me too. I didnt feel excited to known that he like me too but I am not sure he’s not serious with me because he knew I am married or he just being player as always. A player with sweet talk always get all girl that he want. Now, I realize i dont love my husband as I should as he does with me. I feel terrible, i know i m horrible, stupid person. There are many women out there that crave for the man like my husband who’s not romantic or sweet talk but caring, loving, hard working and smart man. I have been trying to talk some senses and get rid of stupid feeling and high expectation like a guy in a romantic movie. I dont know what to do and how can I get rid of the bad feeling and love my husband as he love me. I dont want to get divorce and realize later that I’d make mistake to leave my husband for someone i hope he ll be better than my husband. I wish i can talk to someone that just listen and give me a fair advice and not judge me that l am stupid or freak out n tell me not to do it and that stay with him because they know him.

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I let this guy go who I think was really…

I let this guy go who i think was really crazy about me…anyways i didnt feel anything meaning i kept hiding from him 2 semesters before he graduated…by the following semester it was too too too late to start talking again….i started getting depress over thoughts like i might never see him again….i started remembering how good he was to me…how he really cared for me…i hated the thought of him meeting somebody else and not seeing him…i kept creating scenarios in my head…i kept thinking he is still crazy in love with me as he was before…but everytime we cross paths i can see that its all gone as if it was never there…i tried to look good to impress him…i bought clothes and i started to go to school w a little makeup on…so that he would see that im doing just fine…still nothing…i know its my fault…i kept thinking he would want to talk to me or at least initiate…ive got so much thing to say to him like i am really sorry….if i wasnt so proud i might have even begged him to come back to me…hes probably laughing at my misery…you see i failed twice so im behind two years…i was suppose to graduate with him but now im a year behind of him….today was suppose to be the last day i will see him but i decided not to go to that party…cause i know hes already happy…hes graduating and he has a lot of friends and hes very smart…i really took it hard nlt going there…i was gonna go but my so called friend ditch me so i didnt come…not even a thankyou…and for that other girl…she would not even pass if i wasnt there…i was expecting they would come look for me…well silly me for thinking i was there friends…to make it worst my best friends decided to go on tinders and i went out with them to go for a drink…you know cause i had been feeling lonely…but they just ended up looking at gguys…they were sitting together and i was on the other side…a third wheel on the worst day…i couldnt help but feel so so hurt!! Some friends they are!!! And my sister was suppose to come…it would have been better if she did cause atleast i wont be shunned on one of my lowest day…but she bailed…back to the guy…in my head it happend diffrently…he was gonna come over to talk to me and then i will shut him up to say all my sorry and then he will fall back in love with me again….stupid me…i let the guy that liked me that i actually like…karma for over a year now even past….i will miss N.T. so much he was a good guy…descent,he understand my weird crazy persona…by now he should be happy and drunk…hes done college…while im still here for another year…if he remembers me i will just be the stupid bitch girl who let him go away…thats my sucky ending i know i deserve whats coming to me but it hurts it really does…i hope hes happy wherever he will end up in or with!!! as for me i will promise not to loose my cool over someone not ever….i wont care for any other guy because i know how painful it is…karma dont take it lightly…im suffering but i deserve it!!!goodnight

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Why I am no longer the girl I was…

Exactly one year ago I was graduating from high school and was so excited to be going off to college. Everything was going to be new, exciting, and different! And everything was different but not in the ways I expected. Thinking back to that girl she was happy, optimistic, and ready to take on the world. A very different girl from the one who sits here writing this today. Once I got to college I did all the activities to meet people and found my group of friends and even a boyfriend. Those friends are now my family and the boyfriend is still in the picture.
We participated in many of the off campus activities too. Yes I mean we drank and partied. They had this orientation at the beginning of the year about being careful with parties and even got shirts that said, “Don’t drink the punch”. I didn’t exactly pay attention and didn’t think it was that big a deal. I thought that it was so innocent and harmless. We were just having fun doing what every college kid does. It seemed normal and it was fun. We were careful and always had a DD (designated driver) and we went in groups, never alone.

We ended up meeting and hanging out with a group of people that seemed to always know where the parties were and they hooked us up with details. We trusted them and thought of them as friends. First semester flew by with football games, class, and midnight fast food runs. Everything was the way it should be. Yeah I wasn’t doing as great in class as I wanted but there was always next semester right? Wrong. I had no clue what was in store for me and how could I? I never imagined that my friends and me would go through something like we did.
Second semester rolled around and I went through the process to be in a sorority and didn’t get chosen for any of them. This really hurt my self-esteem because I thought that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. I was heart broken. I rallied with my friends who didn’t get in either and moved on. I applied to be a student leader and applied for an amazing internship. I got neither of those. I was done trying for things I wanted because I kept getting let down and honestly it sucked. I started to become angry all the time and I was sad when I was alone. I cried when no one was looking and lashed out at the people I cared about the most, mainly my boyfriend. I was eating less, avoiding my friends, and all around a completely different person. I stopped going to class and doing any school work because I had no motivation to do anything anymore. All I wanted to do was drink to be completely honest. I was happy and laughed more when I was drinking so I thought it would help me forget and I could be happy. I drank during the school week, which I never did before. I ended up getting very drunk on a Monday night and was too hung over to go to class the next morning. One of my friends stopped by my room to see me and she finally told me that she was done. She told me that my friends knew something was wrong. I was turning into a person they didn’t want to be friends with anymore. She said or more yelled that if I didn’t get help then she would drag me to get some because she loved me too much to see me like this.
I went to my school’s counseling center and talked to someone. They set me up with a therapist who diagnosed me with depression. I never expected that this would be something I would deal with. I was always peppy, happy, and loud. How could this be the person I was? I felt lost. I looked at old pictures of myself and wondered where that girl went. I didn’t understand how I became so unhappy so fast. After therapy sessions I started to get better and had a better grip on my emotions.
I thought everything was looking up again and it was all going to be ok. Boy was I wrong. Things were about to get worse than they ever had before. We were invited to a small party by that group of people I mentioned previously. We were having a great time and then things began to get rocky and strange and just bad. I didn’t understand what was happening, there was no way that I could. I’m not going to tell the story because it is too painful right now and it’s a long one. For now I will just state the facts.
Fact 1: Two of my friends were drugged.
Fact 2: I was given more alcohol than I though (which also counts as being drugged)
Fact 3: I was choked.
Fact 4: I was sexually assaulted
Fact 5: I watched as my friends were sexually assaulted and couldn’t do anything.
Fact 6: I stopped my friend from being raped but she was assaulted
Fact 7: I left them because I didn’t understand what was happening still and I thought they would be safe with our “friend”
Fact 8: They were both assaulted again by a guy we thought was our friend.
Fact 9: Those 7 hours of my life are the darkest memories that I have and they will be with me until the day I die
Fact 10: I am different now. Everything about me is different and I will never be the girl I was a year ago.
They hurt us in a way that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. They took everything from us and left us with nothing. It wasn’t fair and still isn’t. They took friendships from us, they hurt relationships, they changed the way I see myself, they made it hard for me to be happy for other people, they took my dignity, they screwed up every part of me and they left nothing untouched. And for what? 5 minutes of pleasure? For feeling some sense of power? I will spend the rest of my life fighting this and trying to heal because of what they did to my friends and me. Because of the drugs that were given to my friends, they remember absolutely none of that night. I remembered all of it and I had to tell them what happened to them. I had to break their hearts with the story of what happened to them and watch their faces as their entire world was shattered. For weeks following the event that night played over and over and over in my mind. It was like a terrible horror movie staring you and your friends stuck on repeat and nothing could stop it. It played the worst parts of the entire night and when it was done it would just start over again.
They way I see the world is completely different and it isn’t a pretty picture. I am living with PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder). I have anxiety attacks when I am reminded of that night or when there are too many people around me. I was always told that I was a beautiful girl, but now I wish I was ugly so that no one ever looks at me or thinks of me in a sexual way again. I have never been more suicidal in my entire life because dealing with this and the pain is just too much at times. The reasons I don’t hurt myself because I let my friends down by leaving them before and I can’t do it again. I have to be here to protect them. I can’t hurt the people I love most like my friends, family, and boyfriend by leaving like that. Most importantly I don’t want the people who did this to me to think they won. I want to be strong and show them that no matter what they did to me I am still standing. I’ve been told many times through this that I am strong. I don’t feel strong. I feel broken, violated, hurt, scared, angry, and like my world is falling apart at times. I’ve been able to not think about it at times now that it’s been a few months since the incident but it is always in the back of my mind.
I refuse to be silent about this issue. I will tell my story and make it known that this does happen and it is a problem. What happened to me wasn’t my fault. It is never the fault of the victim. I will do everything I can to bring attention and awareness to this problem because it is a problem and it is often not handled right or ignored. Yes this entire thing changed me, but I want to make a change because of it. I’m still healing and have a very very long way to go but this is one of the steps I’m taking to get there.

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I love a girl so much…

I love a girl so much… but she take me as friend.. I want to say to her what I feel for her… I want to say I had never ever thought about any girl in my dream.. I just love u.. and I promise I will give you all happiness and fulfill all your dreams…

Just give one chance…

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Why do I regret only one thing in my lif…

Why do I regret only one thing in my life:
In the past, especially in childhood, I was rejected by the society in school, in other worlds, bullied. Yes, I know I’m not the only one like this, and I am not here to outpour my ridiculous emotional heart! I’ve been though quite many situations, I changed school seven times, I met many people – people who were my friends, who betrayed me, and another, who still are my friends, I met beautiful faces who I fell in love with and who I hated in the same time. I had to cope with gossip and hatred, with false smiles and ignorance.
In the end, everything was just okay. Now, it is just the ‘past’, a black title, carved in a reverse side of my mind.
I do not regret making many, many mistakes, asking stupid questions to cover my anxiousness, saying stuff at the wrong time and place, missing chances of whatever.

However, I regret this one little thing:
When I was about 11 y. old, I went on one concert of a classical music. My mother is a musician and she plays in orchestra, so it was quite an usual event for me. Yet I loved the piece and I listened to it with my whole heart. I’d looked at the conductor who was waving with his hands, totally captured by the ocean of music. After the performance, I waited for my mom at the backstage.
Suddenly, the conductor came to me, handing me a big, beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers. I was so surprised and amazed, and in the same time very shy. It seemed to me unpolite to take the bouquet that he was giving to me.
‘It was his performance and he deserved this bouquet, why would he give it to me then?’ I asked myself.
After a while, he ‘gave up’ giving it to me, and so one lady (who was sitting near to me) took it with the highest pleasure.
Then, my mom came and she spoke a bit with the conductor. My thoughts were somewhere else by that time though. I was feeling a dreadful regret and I tried not to cry. The lady was enjoying bouquet, probably not even thinking about that it was made for the conductor.
And I was so sad!
Later, my mom told me, that while the conductor was performing, he saw me and my admiring expression in the face, so he decided to reward me for it.
The end.
So, that’s my story. That’s the only one thing that I regret.
I regret not taking the bouquet.

And that’s why I decided to become so rich and successful, so I can get hundreds of beautiful bouquets and I will not be embarassed for that, because I will have my own performances!
And maybe one day, I will be handing a bouquet to you.

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I feel like I’m falling apart. Nothing …

I feel like I’m falling apart. Nothing is going my way. It’s like the world is trying to crush me. I feel shattered, and that’s worse then being broken because being broken means that there’s a chance you can be fixed. But not me. A month ago I found out my girlfriend was raped at the age of 4. It kills me to know she’s been hurt that way. A friend of mine died this year, March 25th, 2015. I feel so dead, lost and there’s so much pain in my heart. I’m crying my eyes out everyday now. Everything makes me sad, it’s hard to be happy and stay happy. My best friend is going through a hard time and I’m dying inside because I can’t keep him safe, I can’t leave the country to go see him and let him know in person that I love him. My friend is talking about death and says he wants to die. I don’t kno what to do. The school years is almost up and over the summer I won’t get to see him because my parents won’t let me. I don’t want him to hurt himself over the summer with no one there to stop him. I’m failing 4 classes and there’s only 9’days of school left. I think I am going to fail. I just – I don’t know what to do. I see cars coming my way and I want to jump in front of them. Someone, anyone, please help me.

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Hi everyone or anyone reading this…

Hi everyone or anyone reading this. I am not here to showcase my writing talent or write fiction. In fact I hate writing. I am here to tell you my life and how I live it everyday. I need an outlet a place to let it out and express emotions without regret. My name is anonymous and I am in my early twenties. I have 3 siblings 2 brothers and one sister. I live with my parents in a small town outside a big city. I work and go to school like the average adult my age. I live in a quiet neighborhood and have a pet like most people I know do. I have goals, dreams and share a smile with the world like most people I see. Yet, unlike most people my home is one filled with violence and fear. I guess it all starts with our parents and their history. They were raised very different from us and grew up very poor. Let me start with the problem of all problems, my father. He was born in the sixties in Mexico.

His mother died when he was 3 and his father was a man with no integrity who use to beat his mother or so we hear from other family members. His father re-married, but my dad tells horrible stories of this woman. She would leave him to starve for days and they always fought with each other. Even though his dad could have stood up for him he never did. Nor did he ever take care of him which is why he re-married so another woman would take on that burden. So I guess he grew up cold and with a tortured mind of his own. I think he holds a dark secret because someone as cruel as him can’t be that cruel without a motive. Or maybe not. Maybe he lacks any sort of emotion and violence is the only thing that makes him feel even thought that feeling is anger. I think that’s the definition of a psychopath. He was always violent. He moved in with a woman when he came to the U.S. and had a baby girl with her. From what I hear from my half sister is that he use to beat her mom. He was a jealous maniac whom even though was loved by that woman had too many issues to be in a relationship with her. They split up but they each tell their own story of who left who. Regardless the point is he was willing to go. Eventually he moved to Illinois with my mom.

Ah yes my dear sweet mother. She has it worst than anyone I know. Her story is beyond unbelievable it sickens me and makes tears run down my face just writing it. She was born over 40 years ago around the same town as my father in Mexico. She had both parents and 9 siblings. She was the youngest and the most loved by her parents according to her. Unfortunately for her, her brothers did not feel the same. She was raped by 3 of them at the age of 9 and let down by all of them. They have watched her suffer in this house and done nothing to defend her. I despise them. They are worthless and deserve no forgiveness or mercy. I wish they would rot in prison, but she won’t say anything because she doesn’t want carry that around in the open for people to judge her. I can’t understand why she can’t I can’t understand why she cares if they hurt or die I will never understand I can only try and protect her. So she moved to the U.S. when she was 14 and at 21 decided she wanted children so she moved in with the next guy she dated and had 4 children. He obviously showed no signs of violence towards her while dating and he didn’t even drink at that time. Things took a turn after the first born which is me.

I was born in 1994 my brother in 1997 my sister in 2001 and my other brother in 2004. I grew up seeing my dad come home drunk every weekend and beat my mom. I watched as he struck her and then slammed the door in my face to go away. I heard as she screamed from the next room and I had to hide under the kitchen table or carry my siblings to hide behind the couch. I remember a certain time when he was in my room beating her and I opened the door to tell him to stop and when I did I saw how he had his hands on her throat choking her and her faced bruised. I remember him closing the door and me running to my siblings so they would close their eyes and think of a better place. I remember that each time he was done he would go over to me sit me on the couch and tell me why he did what he did as if there was a reasonable explanations for his wrong doing. I remember nodding my head teeth clenched and looking down. More than half of the times he was drunk and he’d come home to beat her, but it seems that some times he’d drink when he was upset to purposely beat her and make drinking his excuse. So I grew up hating him while still relying on him for clothing, food and shelter. I grew up cold and tortured like them. Seems to run in the family. I grew up distracted at school, making excuses to bully people just to feel in control of them, scared to go home, and even more scared not to. Every time the weekend grew near I would think “Could this time be the last time or maybe he will change” or “This time could also be the time where he goes to far. Where she fights back and ends up killing him”. Nothing like that has happened but clearly it could I mean shit gets so crazy and crazy fast I don’t know whats happening until after it has happened. I’ve grown to push people away and trust no one. I hate that their problems are my problems as if I don’t have my own problems. I do have problems. Juggling to much has led me to therapy, but who has the time for that when my time is spent watching over my siblings. I play the role of mom, dad, sister, and right now I’m trying to be what the IRS calls “Head of Household”. I like to think of it as a wolf pack. My father is the old Alpha who needs to retire as an Omega. I have decided to take his old position of Alpha since I was 17 and lead them to sanity and a healthy environment. They listen to me, they come to me with problems, they obey me, they are loyal to me. My mom isn’t capable of such a role because I can see she is struggling with her inner self. So I had no choice but to take these roles. I don’t mind as much as other young adults might. I am happy when I am with them. I take them to school activities, provide educational information, help with school work, cook at times and take them out for a fun day. I spend most weekends home. I have plenty of hobbies. Most of which I could only do once every three months. I am a parent of 3 children and one adult. Im not saying this to receive a medal or because I think I’m some kind of hero. NO. I am saying this to let it out to let myself say it without saying it to them. I would never change the role I play to live my life. I could never leave them I am here because I can shut things off emotionally and put on a brave face for them. I am their support system and I can handle that. At least I think I can. I can because they are such great kids!. My sister is so smart and beautiful she is my little angel and I am so proud of her. The oldest of my two little brothers is in college trying to become somebody in life without showing how hurt he actually is. He is lost and scared I can feel it. He was bullied at an early age and struggle with it everyday. He doesn’t know how to act or what to do. I have to work very hard with him to get him to move on with his life. But I’m starting to think I am not good enough and he needs psychological help. He too remembers seeing the punches. Let me be clear my father no longer beats my mom ever since I turned 13. I think it is because he thinks I will call the cops on his ass. Which I will. Now he just verbally abuses her and instead of hitting her hits my brother. They fight constantly and fight each other. He is now 18 but he doesn’t have the build to fight a grown ass man. I’m scared he will turn out to be like my father because he is so tormented by him. I try my best to stop them and I do every time I am home. But now word has got around that my brother said he wanted to kill himself because of his living conditions. And I admit I have picked fights with him over the things he struggles with, but only because I thought he could handle such fights. Now I hear that he would take his life if he knew how. I was devastated when I found this out yesterday. I will NOT lose my brother over my fucked up father. I refuse to have him think that way. I want the problem solved now I want us to move away and start a normal life. I wish I could but nothing is free in life and we have no money to move. But that doesn’t matter we will be moving soon I can’t have my brother thinking those dark thoughts. Then there’s my youngest brother. The spoiled one by our dad. He is the baby of the family and knows it too well. I look at him and see too much of my father in him and I don’t want that. I want him to be a regular little kid who thinks about cars and his favorite tv show. Instead I see anger issues and no motivation for school work. I see fear in his eyes but with such bravery when my parents fight he jumps in to try and stop them. This little 10 year old boy in between 2 grown people can you imagine? He shouldn’t have to do that I tell him not to but he cares and that’s why he does it. I don’t know how to survive like this any longer. It takes a lot out of me each time my parents fight. He is so aggressive and has horrible jealous fits. He threatens to beat her and I watch as he says those words but quickly looks at me as I’m standing there waiting for him to do so. He hasn’t he won’t while I am present he knows better than to lay one finger on my mother. Now he will learn to not lay a finger on my brother I will not put up with him beating him any longer. I lay here sitting in my room on a saturday night wishing that my only problems were finding a boyfriend to watch the new Avengers movie with. Haha how stupid those little things seem. How stupid it is to fight over petty things and to fight with me over them. I get so much shit for not going out or not wanting to meet a guy. I get upset but instead of telling them why I just laugh in my head. I laugh at their mistakes because they can afford to make them. I laugh at the dumb ideas that circle their heads. What should I buy beer or hard liquor?” “Should I sleep with him and give him another chance?” or my favorite “He promised me he’d never do it again.” It is sad to watch so many of my friends take shit from guys when they have two great role models as parents. I could never take the amount of crap my dad did to my mom from a guy. I have lived all my life with jealous rages, fights, lies, and abuse why would I want to live like that with some guy. I can only hope for the best. I can only hope one day my mother can walk outside feel the fresh air and smile at me saying she is now happy and free. I can only hope I can say my siblings and I can say that as well.

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I grew up in an alcoholic family where dad…

I grew up in an alcoholic family where drugs and alcohol have been a normal part in everyday life, I’ve had a very stressful and psychotic childhood, my mother has moved much due. Boyfriends and I’ve never really known my father since he has been in prison for most of my life, he is a pedophile.
I have two siblings one big sister and little sister, most of my little sister’s life I’ve been a mother for her.
I myself was born in Herning/Jutland and raised the first years of my life there but when my father goes to prison, we moved to Copenhagen, the first man I remember as being very violent, my little sister’s real father he is a pedophile . He begins to treat us really bad when my mother being hospitalized when she was giving birth to our little sister, he would beat us and starve us, when a teacher notice it and we get removed we get in orphanages and there we live in approximately 7 months and are then brought home by our mother who chose to move back to Jutland to my father.

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I wish I could be better. Be great…

I wish I could be better.  Be great.  Be more than what I am.
It hurts to disappoint people.  To be less of what is expected of me.
Sometimes I don’t know why I cry.
My whole life I was told not to. Crying was weak, crying was ugly,  crying was bad. Crying hurt others. So I cried alone.
So no one knew I was weak and ugly and bad.
Now I’m scared of crying.
I can’t let people see. I can’t go to anyone for comfort.
It’s so hard. And I’m too weak.
I’m too selfish.  And I’m too rude.
I have to make them happy.
I can’t be happy before them.
And it hurts

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He’s my best friend. And I love him …

He’s my best friend.
And I love him
We shared everything. We grew up together
It wasn’t until high school that I knew I was crushing on him.
I was so nervous. I finally found the courage to ask him out.
We were friends and I thought we shared everything.
He told me maybe.
He didn’t tell me he loved someone else.
He should have just said no.
We don’t share everything.

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