I just graduated from high school, and am taking a break from further education for a year or two. I wanted to expand my experience as well as try to have a better idea of what to take in post-secondary education. I wanted to get a job, or even two, to give me a better idea of my strengths and weaknesses. I eventually managed to land a job in a local grocery store, and I have never been more disappointed in myself than I ever have in my life. My failures are staring at me in my face, and I can’t even justify or comfort myself, as my incompetence is just too obvious. I haven’t even had my job for three weeks yet, and I have failed after many warnings on multiple occasions.
Firstly, my supervisors have been hindered and held back as a result of my performance. In other words, I ask for their help too often, and it’s clearly taking a toll on the patience of even my most well tempered supervisors. Secondly, it was my fault that I lost the store hundreds of dollars because I was too stupid to take a quick glance at a customer’s card or the underside of their shopping cart. Finally, I was home all day on my day off, and didn’t realize my phone was on silent. In the evening, I noticed it light up, and I picked it up and was informed of a slight adjustment in my week’s schedule. But wait, that’s nothing major, or even bad at all! Well see, as soon as the call ended, I realized I had at least ten missed calls from my workplace, and a few voice messages which clearly got more frustrated as I listened from the least to most recent messages. They wanted me to actually work that day, but I was dicking around at home and didn’t even notice my phone ringing. I missed the chance to work more hours and I blew it. I hadn’t even had this job for more than three weeks, and I’ve messed up so much in such a minuscule time span. Even though I am completely and utterly disappointed in capabilities, that isn’t even what bothers me the most. This may have been an example of how truly pathetic my abilities in life really are. I told myself everyday I’d work hard, yet I mess up in the most spectacular way possible. In reality, I’m nothing but a lazy waste of air, space, and resources. What if this is as far as my abilities can take me in life? Being barely able to handle a basic, no-experience job. Maybe in time I may improve, but life isn’t going to take its time with me. It’s not just me who takes the blow for my mistakes after all.
I live with my parents, yet I hesitate to move out because of my mother’s unstable emotional state. She isn’t too keen on having another child leave the nest just a few months after the other ones spread their wings. Read: they moved out, and she felt like she lost her purpose in life. She cried so much that while driving, she almost got into a car accident. For months, she would cry everyday, telling me to never ever leave home and to always stay with her. I hate myself for feeling angry, but I couldn’t help but feel she didn’t mind keeping me from attaining my own happiness as long as she got to keep hers. I love my mother, and am further disgusted at myself for being repulsed at her desire to keep me. She feeds me, clothes me, and provides me shelter, yet my self entitled pride has left me spoiled and undeserving of any kindness my family gives to me. I feel like both a burden, and a smothered toy. I want to stop causing so much trouble with my clumsiness and idiocy, but I’m scared as soon as I leave, I’ll accidentally lead myself into my own downfall. I want to leave because I feel like I’m not loved by my parents for being me, but just “loved” as a distraction from the loss they feel from not having the company of their favourite kids. I keep telling myself it’s okay to bask in the luxuries of not having to be responsible of my own home, which I already know is quite sad.
In summary, I’m incompetent, and have reached the limit of chances given to me by my managers. Every time I actively try to learn from my mistakes, I just cause a new one, as well as having failed to patch my previous shortcomings. There is nothing good about me. Seriously. I have maybe two friends, one of which I haven’t treated as well as I should have. The other is moving on with their life, as expected of life after high school. I could continue wallowing in pity, but I’m sure whoever is reading this is sick to death of listening to me whine and moan about myself. I don’t deserve the support I want, yet here I am, pathetically looking for it.
And of fuck, the kicker is that my problems are incredibly petty. They could be solved if I just worked at it. I’m sure the fastest way to solve this puzzle is to kill myself. But I’m so stupid. I actually kinda like myself.