Im over my life and sick of the constant struggle of just bearly surviving settling for second rate stuff all the time. My bed is over 15yrs old can you believe that? Ok so im 41yrs old and have two children my first a son he was such a handful i had him young at 19 and his father and i were never in a relationship at all whatsoever it was just meant as a one night stand that was all, when my some was around 12months old we moved into our first place together just my son and i but his father found out where we were and often times came around drunk expecting sex from me and when i told him no he would become violent and aroused i found that scary and trumatic, earlier in my life i have also experienced alot of sexual inuendo. Im pathetic i know nothing about nothing and have achieved nothing every thing i try just falls apart always and i struggle i struggle we struggle she struggles too but seems at least most have done something held down some sort of job or driven somewhere and seen something beautiful. Ive just never had any know how i mean how to do what ever it is you want to do and ive never had the support from anyone ive just no drive no competition in me because i know already you have won. Im down im so down feeling at my lowest its christmas time again and again i hate it i cant stand it whats so good about it then? Just reminds me more of all the haves vrcs have nots and i am always will be part of the have nots.. I dont have the know how or the skill to turn our situation around somehow. Its coming up to my 1st born baby girls birthday on the 9th this month Dec her arrival was awfully trumatic and highly emotional she arrived via emergency c-section my mind was im trumoil. She was beautiful lil darlin, but you see this was hard as i was not able to bond with her well at all in fact her daddy did best with her it was not untill she turned 13months that i actually felt comfortable enough being around her i just always felt so inadequate and unprepared for my feelings of failure and self loathing it was starting to fade, soon i found i was pregnant again, my first borne daughter passed away on the 14 of Feb we were shattered totaly heartbroken 18moths old thats all she was just a baby girl i failed you see its my fault her brother was 7yrs old at the time i was cooking tea she was underfoot so i sent her in her brothers bedroom to play just for short time the next thing i hear is a loud crash and run into the bedroom to see the wardrobe laying on top of my baby girl she was not moving when i got to her her beautiful little eyes rolled back in her head and she gargled something, i remember panicing somewhat and screaming at my then 7yr old WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HAVE YOU DONE THISTIME.. I remember this so clearly feel so ashamed of myself ive failed so badly my sons life is a mess he is currently in jail and nearly 22yrs old he understands nothing of life and any sort of real happiness or goods peace is just not im reach for us im so pathetic. Ive hopes for my daughter who is 12 she is a smart little girl who is very ure much loved but i worrie i do not have the skills to teach her all of what she should know she can be anything she wants to be she is disadvantaged though as we do not work we do not own a car at all we do not have anything going for us nothing at all i am pathetic.