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I don’t know how to say it but from last month…

idk how to say it but from last month I feel like I’m not who i was anymore. I have changed a lot and I don’t know what is exactly happening with me its like I will kill my self if ill be like this . And I don’t know why and how it started I feel like lazy and lot of anger like to smash someone face if anyone argue with me. Sometimes I feel like I will smash my head into the walls also I have lot of fear inside me that make me sick. I have a fever also and I don’t when is this gonna stop. I’m very scared right now and I don’t have anyone to speak with and I think everyone will think that I’m crazy talking rubbish and all. But I know what I’m feeling and I very hard to explain to anyone. I have only 2 friends and they are my best friends but still I cant share my feeling to them because I don’t know how they will react when they hear about me all this crap. I try to keep myself busy like watching movie and tv shows and it works sometimes, it makes my feel better also I go out sometimes and I just want to be out forever because I feel like I’m alive when I’m outside the house it feels different for me but I don’t have anyone to go with. These days my family noticed that I have been changed I argue with them alot. I begin shouting on my family and its very not good for my attitude. The most important thing in my life is my family and I cant live without them but sometimes I feel like to live my own ways. So no buddy can judge me for what I’m doing. Basically my life sucks as much and I don’t know for whom and why I’m writing this all rubbish. Maybe this will make me feel better or something. The truth is that I’m the responsible for my problems. I don’t know how to deal with myself, and some people said to me once that I don’t know how to make friends and I’m not the person who people like to make friend with. And so far I can see that nobody likes me and I’m just a useless guy who no one cares about. Some people use me and when they job done they threw me like I was nothing just a trash, sometimes I say to myself why I cant be like other people and make friends. I’m too afraid to make new friends now because maybe I cant handle more pain in my life again. It like I’m cursed or something no one care about me, its just me and myself fighting alone with my problems. Nobody give a damn to me and that’s the true. I lost my all hopes, and my friends. All my life I failed in everything, some of my class student says that why your even here , you don’t belong here with us. They say that because they are better than me and how many times I’ve tried to prove myself to them that I’m better that them I failed. I am a loser and I will be always a loser that’s what they says about me. No one liked me in school. Even the teachers hates me. It’s like a hell to me and I cant blame anyone accept myself because I’m the one who made myself like this .

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I was in love. I was young and in love. …

I was in love. I was young and in love. I was stupid. The time when he let my hand go was the time when I wished he didn’t. It was when I wish I could have treated him better. He was perfect. We were perfect but I played around and let him slipped away. I wish I could go back in time and stopped him from leaving.

We were the ‘It’ couple in school. Let’s call him Y. Before anything between us happened, we were just friends. We weren’t even that close but he was gathered around my group of friends and they asked him who he likes at that time. He didn’t answer but they kept on bothering him. They suddenly asked him whether or not he likes me and he smiled and looked at me. I didn’t know at that moment that we were going to be something.

He was that kind of guy who every girl secretly wishes to date. I got lucky and ruined my chance of being with him for a long time. I never thought that he was someone who is loyal to his partner. I thought he was a player. He wasn’t at all. I was his second and I considered him as my first love even when I’ve dated a few before him.

We broke up or… he broke up with me because he didn’t trust me. He thought I liked my bestfriend. I didn’t. I never did. He was the only person in my mind. The sad thing is… I didn’t even stop him from leaving. We could have gotten back together but I was stupid.

We broke up once before that. It was his fault. He said he liked someone else. He broke up with me in public. It was heartbreaking. I thought it was the end. Thank god it wasn’t.

He wanted to be with me a day after he broke up with me. He was always in charge of breaking us up but I was in charge of ruining both of us. It hurts me. Till this day, it still does.

Now, he’s happy with his new girlfriend of 3-4 years. I’m happy that he’s happy. I’m happy that he has found someone who makes him happy. I secretly hope we’d meet again and start a new chapter together.

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Some years ago, I came across a very pretty

Some years ago, I came across a very pretty lady. The journey start when I had  to move from my a state to another due my dad transfer. So it was moin i woke up get everything arranged.I came out of the house and was like trying to see some new faces and my new environment, just taking and walking. Waoh I met this pretty girl at her moms shop. Instantly I felt for her precisely she is my first love. Because I was new there I don’t want to rush things. The next day i got to know she was my neighbour woah! Boy I waz afraid to speak with her of because I feel she is so beutiful and I never toast a lady before. With time we got to know each other I decided to keep off my intensionz. A month later she startd coming to our house.

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Hi!I am a 19 year old girl.

I am a 19 year old girl. 2 years ago I was at a friends party and she introduced me to her boyfriends at that party. I maybe talked to him like once or twice at that party. That was the first time we Alex. After couple of months my friend comes to my house like she usually does and she kept talking about that things between her and Alex were not going well and then he started to sending me snaps and shit. Then they broke up.

One day when she was at my place again he messaged me saying that he likes me and wants to know me better. And I said ok (since i’m not an angle). The day after we met and talked and he said can we be together I said maybe. As straight as that. But my friend didn’t know about it. One day he invited me to his place. I went and he asked me again and I said yes but I didn’t really like him. I guess I did it because I felt extremely lonely I still do. Anyways.. and then we had sex. it was awful it lasted like 4 seconds. But i kept seeing him and we started to get along together well but I still didn’t really like him that much. One day my friend came to me saying that I want to try getting back together with him again and I said yeah that’s a great idea. And then she talked to him and he fucking asked me how I feel about it? I said I’m cool with that. Which I was cos I didn’t like him that much and it was obvious that he didn’t like me either. But yeah they started dating again and at his birthday he invited us both. Then when we were in the party he stops me and kisses me saying how much he misses me. And I said nothing like I do always. Then we had sex while she was in the other room. I know it sounds horrible but at that time I didn’t really care. Then I felt like I don’t wanna share him even if I don’t like him that much. So I said to my friends brother that he asked me out and I said no. And then he told her sister. But Alex took all of the responsibility and said that it was him who asked me and wanted to get together with me, which is true. And then we kept seeing each other and he started to call me all the time, act like my boyfriend and we saw each other almost everyday and it felt very overwhelming.

Whenever he told me he loves me I couldn’t say I love him back and whenever he started to act like we were a couple I let him down. One day he asked me what are we? He said we see each other real often, kiss, even fuck but why you act like we are nothing ? I said i have a bad feeling that I betrayed my friend and that’s why I cant be with you. Which was totally a lie. I just thought that he doesn’t match me until quite recently that my mom got a job in another city so I invited him over very often and we started to have a great time together and great sex. And I don’t know why but I started to like him really much. I couldn’t stop thinking about him when I didn’t get to see him. And about two months ago he stopped writing messages to me or call me and suddenly it was always me who asked to be with him or see him. And one day I asked him why wouldn’t he treat me the way he did before. Didn’t he wanna see me anymore? He said that it was you who wanted us to be “friends with benefits” now we are friends. You must be happy. He said I DID love you but now you are just a friend. And that hurt me so bad. The thing is that I can’t blame him because it was me who wanted us to be like this. Actually not exactly like this because he doesn’t even say “Hi” to me anymore but yeah. And now I catch myself thinking about him and missing him all the time and i tried, I really did try to talk to him and make things better but he doesn’t care for me anymore.

Now my proud doesn’t let me to humiliate myself anymore. The funny thing is that I still don’t believe that we match it’s just that my feelings for him have changed and now I want him very bad but I can’t have him. I don’t know what to do? Should I try to forget him or is it ok to swallow my proud and always be the one that calls him.

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I am one of the guys that gest along with

I am one of the guys that gets along with girls but never actually feel anything. It can be hard sometimes when you try to see something more in relationship and you just end up empty.
Everything changed when I have met Ashley. She was different. I have never seen her rude or acting to feel better than anyone. It was strange when I was talking to her because I can’t tell why but I was alwys sharing everything with her… even things I’d rather not say. She was doing the same in return. I treated her as a friend.
It changed when I called her and I heard her crying. I don’t now why but I have instantly came to her. I thought it is best thing to do but I regret that I didn’t leave her alone. When we met she started talking. She just shared with me a story about a guy she loves. They have met 2 years before I saw her for the first time. She said that they were acting like friends with some benefits but the only one who was in love was her. She explained that she spent entire years just trying to change his mind to love her back. He was just playing with her, he used that Ash was looking at him like on God himself. Even thought they talked about feelings a lot he never changed his view and remained a friend. I have heard everything, so I asked if is it over, why she is crying?
It wasn’t getting better. She was about to see him, but she was all alone. He didn’t showed up. I tried to cheer her up. I took her to park, give her some reasons to laugh, and spent some fun time. When it was over and she walked back home I felt something. Everything I got from her was some hugs, smiles and talks. But I felt like we were meant to each other. For the first time in my life.
So the weeks passed we were chatting sometimes, sadly she almost always mentioned some story with this heartless dude. I meet her friends, they were really nice but almost always they were embarrassing me with questions about me and Ashley being lovers. I was trying to miss the answer. Everything changed when I after some birthday party of one of our buddy’s. We were standing on bus station joking and just chatting. Unfortunately we started talking serious. I don’t remember everything but one part of it will stay in my mind forever.

Ash: Actually I was pretty scared when I met you that I’d fall in love.
Me: Why is it so scary?
Ash:Don’t think about it. Already all comments about us being together annoy me.
Me: They annoy me more than you can think…
Ash: Why?
Me: Because I feel we are more than friends.
Ash: I think the same, Why didn’t u tell me?
Me: When? When you were crying your heart out?
Ash: Never mind. It won’t work anyway. I don’t love you in the same way I love another. If I stayed with you it would be a little sacrifice for me, because you are not him.
Me: How do you know it will happen eventually?
Ash:I just know. I really like you so I won’t make you hurt. I hope we can remain as friends.

I was just talking to her back but I didn’t thought about anything I say. I was ripped apart. First time I felt something and so does she, but some random douche make her unreacheable. No one is happy and I don’t know if I will be able to love again. I didn’t cried but I feel unable to feel something, anything. I probably should have stayed in the background just imitate living, just as I used to for the rest of my life.

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I can’t do this anymore. I don’t wanna be with my boyfriend

I can’t do this anymore. I don’t wanna be with my boyfriend he makes me feel good physically but I don’t wanna be in a relationship where it’s going no where. I let him cross the line and it was a mistake. I lost my virginity to someone I am not in love with. I made mistakes I wanna fix it but I feel trapped, too in and don’t know how to stop it. I don’t wanna let my first go because I will miss him and I’m so lonely right now, I feel like I have no one. My mother wants to mold me to be someone I am not and believe in something I do not.

All my bestfriends have boyfriends and are caught up in that drama and I don’t wanna bother them with mine. I don’t have friends anymore they all distanced themselves. I know it’s all temporary and I will find new friends but for now I’ve never felt more alone.

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I’m a Moroccan moved to New Zealand a f…

I’m a Moroccan moved to New Zealand a few years ago. Moving and leaving abroad is something that I dreamed about in age of 12. My dream fulfilled just on the right time. At first thing were very hard to adapt the new place. Worked so hard and went tough a hard time to establish and build a sweet home in such an amazing country like NZ. People super nice, great land skip, things after a while got so much better even missing family and friends and home was something that I have always suffered off. Lost a very a good friend on this journey who was so important to and who helped me heaps to get here it was so hard to accept tho. Made mates, home, job, everything stared to work perfectly. But reason I’m sharing my story is because what I’m about to talk about on the next few lines, on my last week of deciding to go and see family.

I Meet this stunning a girl who I fall so deeply in love with her. I was out for last weekend drinking. Standing in a bar alone and this a group of people stood beside me. The minutes they did I notice that it was this amazing girl that didn’t then she my true love, and we mean to meet. Anyway she started talking to me we had a good conversation, dance, and got offered to finish drinking at franco’s house her best friend. I agree too. Got home I was so uncomfortable so decided to go and have asleep home since it was getting tried, took ally phone number but we never thought that it not last time we see each other’s.

After awhile I texted her we stared to text just every now and then. Went out and meet her for drinks after a month since the first meet if not longer. We liked and started going out more. Soon after I asked her to be my girl in a text she smiled and said yes. Was so good, things were good between us and we were happy couple. I took her on amazing date she was so impress and I was happy proud of my self, we stared to love each other so much that I couldn’t handle her away in ozi for a week with Sarah, got back again we stated to fight but love took over and sort the things out, I had to see my family means had to go for a months with out her so disparate to visit mum. She didn’t like the idea of me going along so in month she worked so hard and made the impossible possible for true love we have. Flew to Morocco excited trip started happy but turned to nightmare. I was getting angry and apparently not showing love but I loved her everyday more then I have ever loved someone . Culture, religion, effected so much but I take the blame, relationship went down hill she deserve more. But never had any bad attention I love to pieces. She was lonely, sad, missing the love that I always had but couldn’t express it in a manner to stop what I’m about to say. All my fault, we got back hoping to save our relationship but returning to NZ and me having the idea in my head that my mum had cancer never new about till last week of trip causes stress and anger. Lived with her lovely mum Helen cos we were our of money till we get on our feet but didn’t last long until I got angry feel I was unwanted and my girl to busy playing games and won’t give any attention so sad, I run away to Auckland she have try to stop me but I was confuse and not sure what to do. During my stay in Auckland I realise made huge mistake and I could live with out her but she was hurt that started to think I’m not worth. I begged her to love me back I write heaps but I received cold responds and that destroy me and killed my sole I understood what she was going though in Morocco I was so so sorry and I want to do anything to fix the damage. I surprised her by going back to Christchurch were we live and with my last money I got her flours and card says marry me, texted back few hours latter we arrange to meet up for drink and talk gave me a big faith for getting her back I live her so deep. We meet up and she said that I was horrible and I cried in the cafe. I couldn’t handle that. But I ask her to look at me and tell me either to work way or she still loves me. She said that she love me and give me a list if things that I do wrong and upset her but is my last chance. So glad and happy for that. I appreciate it so much I promise her I change and going with process hoping to won the trust love back. Can’t live with out her. I never do anything to piss her off. Hope one day shall say I love you Hicham.

My story stops here and thanks for reading .Please tell me what I should do I need to save this relationship .sam hicham el moutaouakkil is my facebook please if like my story share it on facebook:-) never give up for you true love.

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I wish I never took that decision…

i wish i never took that decision… I wanted to have a boyfriend but dun know why I feel that he ruined my life… He did so much for me that i could never forget… He cares for me… But don’t know y he always makes me remember of my each and every mistake that i never did intentionally… I had boyfriends in my past but I am serious for him like hell… He told his mother about our relationship… But from that time he always puts every kind of blame on me… Whether it is from a simple to simplest mistake… That too those mistakes that I never did… And even I feel like he is taking me far away from my friends… I do had sex with him just my trusting him on each and every moment… But some days before my best friend argued with him as i was not talking to her from a long time… She just asked him what was the problem… Was I alright… But he took it in a another way…he always thought that i insult him in front of everyone which was wrong…i never did this…moreover he is so possessive that he cant even see me talking to the guy whom i cal my brother… Because of my past he always taunt me that I have backups and could get any other guy easily… And that too that I don’t understand him…. Even after knowing everything I did for him.. I always made our anniversary damn special… He live as a paying guest because he came here to study… He lives alone and I am scared that he will do something really more than worse… I just want to get out of this asap because my mom is not well and he continuously threats me of telling each and everything to my mom… What should I do please help me… I feel like I am dying each n every moment… There is a lot more but I don’t have that much energy as I am getting weak day by day.. Please help me what to do I am literally helpless and don’t want to hurt my mom as well as his mom too.. :'(

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At the age of 18 got married to a man…

At the age of 18 got married to a man I love so much, and have 3 children with him . Soon after my first child my husband become a monster and starting abusing me every day. It was like hell I have to run out of my own house . When he come from work he stated fighting with the kids. When I come to see what’s going on he grab me by my hair and hit me in my face pulling out my hair from my head till he hear my scalp cracks, I try to run out my own house and he chase me till he get me but he could never catch me . When I come back home I find my kids lock up in the room . If I wanted to help them he grab me and chock me till I faint and when I wake up out of that faint he throw me in the dog kennel and wanted me to bark. if I don’t do what he say I must sleep out side . He become a alcoholic and give up his job I when to go look for a job and got it. When I come from work I have to knock on my own house door.. when he open up he tell me if I didn’t great then I can’t come in, my kids was just stand and watching what they father do to me. I humble my self just for the sake of my kids to come in the house , he try to kill me but I just pray lord have mercy . Then he wait until I felt asleep. at 3 o’clock night time he open the doors from the house and wake me up. Out of my sleep I don’t event no who I am anymore Swear at me and tell my to get up and make me some food that time of the night then I got up and do what he say just to keep the peace as I walk to the kitchen he throw me by force out of that open door and in I loud voice he call the gangster to rap and kill me . I hide my self in the dog kennel when he come out to see where I am. Then he want to hang the dog on the washing line .I call the cops and the cops come to arrest him but what he do.. he lock him up in the house my kids become mentally disturb they event sleep with they shoes on just in case we must run for our lives . When we go to bed he stated making fire in the mid night taking of the doors from the house and burn it out and take my close and my I’d book and burn everything up. I have to run every night with my kids and sleep outside where I stay in a gangster town I event sleep in the peoples yard where no one could see us , it start. Be coming to much for me and I call a priest and when the priest come he swear at then and tell then to fockof before he stab me . It become so terrible that I have to seek for a safe place for my kids. I.have to say al over places that my children when to so much of different schools that hey could no more learn I when for a divorce and move to my mum while my divorce was still in progress in the same time I lost my mum and become hopeless I got no where to turn to. But just to stay focus but I become sick with mentally illness . I got a phone call from my lawyer to say I must come because my husband is going to give me noting from his estate I when to my lawyer and tell him I don’t want noting because my heart is broken and I’m about to trip. My lawyer told me he will fight for me all what I could say, as long as I got my children I got everything the lawyer give me my date to be in court to finish the divorce . And on the same day a car knock him dead . heard was of his body his arms was of his legs also was of, and that is how god divorce me, and I become a widow at the age of 32, and to day I’m 52, praise god for what my children turn out of the abusing life they have . All of them become top cops in the saps. Thank you god for being with me and my children’s you are my husband forever amen

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Here’s how I wasted 2 of my teen years,…

Here’s how I wasted 2 of my teen years, and in return wasted the remainder of someone else’s.

We are all ware of the importance of the development both physically and mentally that occurs during the teen years, and we’re all aware that these developments can be affected through multiple traumas, issues and plain fuck-ups. Here’s how I fucked up my mind in my teens.

When I was but a young’n, I met this wonderful girl, let’s call her Melissa. Melissa was pretty, funny and to top it all off, the target of many others’ affection. However, after months of her jumping between boyfriends and having short periods of being single, she decided to give the nerdy, slightly out-of-shape me a try after I helped her stop smoking weed.

At first, she was underwhelmed as I was shy and cautious with everything I said and did around her, yet as we moved into out 3rd/4th month or-so, I gained a healthy charisma around her and from that blew her mind at what I was capable of, both as someone to love and someone to have love with, if you catch my drift. During this period of change in our relationship, she began to grow an intense obsession over me, which is something I didn’t mind at the time, yet would become problematic in time.

After about 9 months, it was Christmas time. Of course we would buy each other gifts, yet she was becoming so obsessive and worried about what I wanted that it was actually pretty scary, so at that point I told her that I really didn’t mind and would rather have her feel calm and relaxed about our relationship rather than constantly fumbling over every mistake that she thought she had made. Of course, I worded this a little more friendly like. This was both the biggest mistake and best decision I had made in this whole relationship.

After this she became cold and distant, which worried me greatly, and after 3 or 4 months of time she came to me, claiming that she was forced to have sex with another guy, which I will call “Dean”. I was shocked and helped her through this like anyone else would, making sure that she recovered healthily and with much love and support. I then thought it would be a great idea to bring her with me on the school summer trip to Italy, which we both had a wonderful time on, enjoying the R&R that came with it.

On the way back from Italy, she is spending a lot of time on her phone, which she accounted to her “cousin” texting her a lot about “family” summer plans. of course, through my use of inverted commas, you can tell something was up, so when she went to the bathroom for a few minutes, I picked up her phone and saw a barrage of texts from another guy, Dean. Dean was our age, and was muscle-y, handsome and had the intelligence of a half-chewed shoelace. It was at this point I discovered that she was not held against her will, and rather was just cheating on me because she was angry due to her own obsession.

Of course, when she returned, I was livid. I began to explain how much care and love I had given her in return for this, and during my (justified) rant, she began bawling her eyes out. It was from this point forward I was heralded as an abusive, hateful partner by the most of my school group, simply for confronting a cheating, lying girl about her affairs.


Most of us would, when given this situation, would break up with the cheating psycho. But I couldn’t. I was being forced to stay with her, as she would accuse me of abuse and assault, when I had never even laid a finger on her without her strict permission, and she had emotionally tortured me out of spite.

So for 1 entire year, I was made to stay with her. She regressed into her psychotic obsession for me, beginning to copy the things that I did, my hobbies, mannerisms, you name it. Eventually she became so reliant on my input, influence and attention that she would actively intimidate me with very real threats of accusation and reputational dismantling just to keep me in line.

However, with school behind me at this point, and me being nearly an independent adult, I began to do my own thing without her, one of such things was going to a concert in a nearby city which a few friends were attending. While there, I met a wonderful girl who had been in the year above me in my school, and she opened my eyes to what a real loving companion should be, and while remaining faithful to my current psycho-crazy-cheating girlfriend, didn’t take that any further than conversation and a few playful smiles.

However, when I returned home, I was bombarded by my girlfriend regarding the concert, her saying that I was cheating on her with some, as she put it, “hipster whores”, and said that she was going to tell everyone if I didn’t apologise immediately.

Most of us would, when given this situation, would agree to the apology to make sure that our reputation was not crumbled by some psycho-crazy-bitch. However, I simply told her what had happened that night, and told her I was leaving her.

She immediately began bawling, telling me that she didn’t want my kind, funny and supportive self to leave her, and in return I simply told her that she should have shown me some compassion outside of an unhealthy obsession, and the occasional affair.

That was yesterday, and I am the happiest I have ever been, with a date organised with the wonderful girl I had met at the concert, and the psycho-ex attempting to get me back in any way she can, and I can tell you now, she never will.

I guess the moral of this story is, don’t tie yourself down early. If you believe that you want to be with someone, don’t jump right in, take it slowly and make sure you’re comfortable together, and most importantly, if someone cheats on you, don’t let them twist that in their favour. Also, don’t let others take control of your life, you’re your own person, and you should do what you want, not what they want.

Thank you for reading my strange story, and have a wonderful day :)

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Last night I had a dream I found pleasant…

Last night I had a dream I found pleasant, but I’m the fuckin worst. I have a boyfriend and all but I dreamed of going on a date with a person I used to like. And the person I used to like also has a girlfriend but in my dream they broke up. We were hanging out together at the mall and I’m not sure but I think I ran away and bumped into him. We were having a normal conversation and walking around the mall. Then our hands bumped into each other and we looked at each other in surprise and he smiled and grabbed my hand and started walking. I then saw my PE teacher who knew I was dating someone else and he looked at me in disgust and asked “aren’t you dating *****?” I freaked out and then the guy I used to like (let’s call him bear) said yea and started to walk again. After a while I yanked my hand back and started panicking and bear said “it’s ok I said yea” I didn’t know what he meant by that and we started walking together again but without holding hands. We still had our normal conversations but I was blushing. He then had to leave and then I woke up. I just can’t believe I liked that dream I’m like so pissed at myself and am trying to forget everything about bear but I can’t. He was my first true love so it’s hard to forget. It’s been like this for the past 4 years. I hate myself, my boyfriend doesn’t deserve someone like me. What should I do?

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I am from China. I had a crush on a boy…

I am from China. I had a crush on a boy for a year. One day, there was a basketball match in our school and I wanted to watch it. When i was coming to playground while he was going down the stairs..but I’m shortsighted and i forgot my glasses so I couldn’t see his face…. I wonder what did his expression look like at this moment. Why i forgot the glasses?! It was a regrettable story for me.

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I am in love with a girl who doesn’t…

I am in love with a girl who doesn’t love me.

Let me explain; I’ve known her for a little while. ‘Bout a year or two. We were friends for about that long. I would stay after school because I had to tutor, and she would stay because she had college classes.

Bit of exposition needed here; we go to a middle college and are therefore allowed to attend college and normal school at the same time.

We met one day, randomly, after school. We were both sitting by ourselves and we were kind of glancing over at each other until we both kind of spoke up at the same time. This is the conversation that led to what I’m about to share with you:

Her: “I’m hungry.”
Me: “There’s a Del Taco down the street.”
Her: “Hmm.”
Me: “D’you want to go?”
Her: “Sure, why not.”

Oh how simply trouble begins.

From then on we were confidants. We would spend time together and tell one another about our problems. She would tell me about guys and I would tell her about girls. We would talk about the futures we envisioned for the both of us… We grew closer gradually.

She switched schools, but during the second semester of our senior year she came back rather unexpectedly. It was like nothing had changed; we were still really close. I found out that she had met a guy and that she was in a certain situation. He was born into a gang and his mother had tried to kill him when he was younger. She told me how although she had ORIGINALLY told me that she wanted to wait for marriage, she decided that he was “the one”. So she had sex with him. On multiple occasions. She told me that the first time they did she cried; she had long thought that a friend of hers, another guy, would be her first. Didn’t end up that way.

I think I should point out the possible love interests, here. Changing the names a bit:

Adrian; her most recent boyfriend, “the one”.

Devon; the one she wanted to be her first.

John; not mentioned yet, but her longest relationship of two years. Abusive.

Wade; another ex-boyfriend, but only an ex because they moved.

John; another John, her best friend for a time who has kissed her before.

Those are the most influential ones, at least. There are several more, but they don’t come up much.

Anyways. We eventual start spending more and more time together. Eventually, inevitably, we begin to develop feelings for the other. At this time she’s still torn up over “Adrian”, who is not allowed to see her due to some sort of Gang Code. They eventually come up with a plan to fake a relationship for him so that they can be together. A few months pass and they eventually stop seeing each other in that way. She tells me that she loves him and it really hits me hard because at this point I’m head-over-heels for this girl. She tells me that she loves him do much and I honestly just want her to be happy, so in order to help her through her troubles I decide to drop my college courses and switch into her English period. She’s elated.

Eventually we kissed. Dunno how everything led up to that. It happens and from then on we’re a little different. We start acting “couple-y” in a way, and people at school start to notice. We go to a small school, and people notice things. We’re eventually considered an “item”.

We don’t really have any problems with people thinking we’re dating. We’re actually amused by it a little.

Time goes on. We go to every dance together, she pays for most of my stuff which I allow, we’re with each other all of the time. We kiss much more often, we cuddle, we talk about everything. She thinks she’s starting to get over Angel, but I know she still loves him. She still has very strong feelings for both him and Dillan and I don’t know how I feel about it.

One day when we’re in my room we’re kissing after having a talk about the future. She stops us when we’re getting a bit hot and heavy and tells me that she’s had sex. I’m confused, because the last time we had had sex (forgot about that; we had sex one day after our youth group closed up shop for the night. We went home that night and one thing led to another.) I end up asking her what she means by that and she tells me that she was hanging out with Adrian the day before and they just started having sex. She tells me she feels faithful to me and everything and that the sex wasn’t even long. It affects me quite a bit and she can tell. She cries a little and tells me that she doesn’t want anyone else; that she only wants me. Up to this point that’s how it’s been. I forgive her for it.

More dances happen. We go out a lot more, she comes over more often. We start to make plans for her living with me. She ends up telling me that her her mother doesn’t approve of our relationship because she thinks that it’s too soon for her daughter to be in a relationship after such a serious one as her’s and Adrian’s. She starts having misgivings about what our relationship is. She tells me that she doesn’t want anything short term, and I completely agree. She tells me that she doesn’t know what will happen for us because we both ship out for basic training (Marine Corps) in October, and after that we have different MOS’s and careers; she’s a commissioned professional musician at eighteen and I’m set on sniper school after basic. We kind of put the future in the back of our minds and just focus on the present. We start getting lovey-dovey. She refuses to believe that I love her.

Grad Nite. It was wonderful to start. We basically did everything together. We had dinner and went to Disneyland. Towards the end of the night she and I meet up with Devon, the one she wanted to lose her virginity to. I’m completely fine with it, because I know how she feels and she’s completely faithful to me, even though we aren’t dating. She and him are talking for a while and I decide to give them space, ’cause they hadn’t seen one another in a while and I knew how much she cared about him.

I end up leaving with two of our friends to check the line on a ride, thinking that she would know where we were going.

She ends up waiting for me where she last saw us, thinking we’re coming back while we’re actually looking all over for her. She essentially begins to believe that I abandoned her, and she’s right. I abandoned her. When I find her later she’s completely torn up by it and she’s lost trust in me. I’m practically begging her to forgive me and I’m crying because she’s not showing any emotion, but I can see that she’d been crying. We get home and she and I are starting to cool down. We make some macaroni and cheese the way we like it, crack open a bottle of cider and take the bottle open up to my room where we end up in bed. I start trying to initiate sex and she’s telling me that she’s trying to sleep, but I take it as her trying to be playful, because she had said it the same way before. I end up leaving her alone about it and a few hours later she leaves.

The same day she had a recital that she had been stressing about for a long time, and she really wanted me to go. I really, really, really wanted to go as well, but I had no way of getting there. I end up not going and she’s crushed by it. She starts laying into me by bringing up all of the times I’ve screwed up in our strange relationship and I’m begging for forgiveness. This is mixed in with periods of relative calm where we’re talking about us in a couple-y way. This was today.

An hour or so ago she and I were talking before she went to go see Tomorrowland, a movie that she wanted to watch with me and that I wanted to watch with her. We had been arguing over the morality of our relationship. She told me that she really likes me and cares about me, but she doesn’t know how we can be together if she’s leaving in October. Her mother doesn’t approve of us being together so soon after her last relationship and she doesn’t know what she wants. All I want is for her to be happy, and it would be perfect for her to be happy with me. I would do anything for her but she doesn’t believe me. We’re so lost.

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I want to share my story. I’m…

I want to share my story. I’m 27 years old and have 3 children by 3 different men. I never thought I would. I was smart and could have had a very different life. I won’t take mine back even though I was nearly killed trying to live it. When I was a child I had dreams of a better life that where shattered and short lived. I’ve been molested, sexually assaulted, and beaten to a point I begged for my own life. I thought love wasn’t a real thing because I believed I had never felt it. Even after my children were born I struggled with the idea. If no one can love me then how do I love? In a sense I was delusional. My sisters loved me, my parents loved me and so have my children. How do I love when I’ve been cut so deep that it can no longer be stitched. I ask this question when I can’t get out of bed and feed my toddler a frozen pancake and sausage every morning. I beat myself up for not being better. For always thinking if I had been prepared my life would somehow be miraculously better. It’s possible it may haven’t been. Maybe my children saved me. Each in there own special way. The years of abuse left me in a downward spiral. Since it had started to the finish I had attempted suicide 3 times. I am still living and sometimes I question my existence. In my heart I know I’m meant to be here and I have a purpose but finding it has been turmoil. Somedays I want to relive it but then I realize I wouldn’t have what I have now. Which is a much better life than I started with. My biggest fear is me! I hold myself back from a self hatred that goes so deep I don’t even know if it’s possible to fix anymore. I realize the things that led me to this point but from my perspective now I place blame on the people who hurt me. I have yet to learn acceptance and I absolutely can not forgive. My hope is for a better tomorrow. One where I no longer feel angry or resentful. I want to move past this and I know I am not alone. There are so many of you struggling right along my side. Maybe we can do this together.

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It has been almost a year since…

It has been almost a year since I got married. The man that I married to is great person. He is caring, loving, and smart man. He love me with all his heart. We have been together for 10 years. He was not my first, he helped me got through the crazy first relationship. I am not sure if I fell in love the same way as he did. I am afraid to admit that I felt sad and he was there and i think I just settle with him. After 8 years together, he has changed and improved alot to keep me and make me happy. In the last couple years, we had a tough time where we fought, and wanted to break up. We started to see other people. He didnt like any of them, but I did met two guys. Brian is very good looking but a player and Joel is more mature and has a good job. As you know, many girls fall for player, I am one of them. I did hang out and slept with Joel. After hanging with Joel for awhile, I realized he is not my type and I had no hesitation to stop seeing him. However, I only hung out with Brian once with a group of my friends, the night wasnt that great. It was obvious that i was so shy and he didnt show any interest in me. We stopped talking for awhile then talked again until my boyfriend found out. The relationship between me and my boyfriend got worse and i was ready to move out. He still wanted to work things out and wanted another chance for us. I decide to come back and work thing out with my boyfriend. I stopped talking to Brian and Brian actually unfriended me on facebook. It actually helped me from see what Brian does. In 2014, my boyfriend and I decided to get married in summer 2014 after we had been engaged for more than 2 years. Everything went well, I was so happy and felt so in love with my husband. I decided to to back to school to finished my bachelor degree. In november 2014, i got a friend request alert and a message, it was Brian. I was surprise. I hesitated to accept him because i know i still like him and i dont know why. I decided to accept his request and sent message back to him. We started talking again. I know that is not right, i am married woman and i should not talk or flirt with other guy. I feel like i m a hypocrite, i judge other for cheating but i ended up doing the same thing. I flirted and talked alot with Brian. He seem more mature and different. Lately, I actually expressed my feeling for him and his response seems he s interested in me too. I didnt feel excited to known that he like me too but I am not sure he’s not serious with me because he knew I am married or he just being player as always. A player with sweet talk always get all girl that he want. Now, I realize i dont love my husband as I should as he does with me. I feel terrible, i know i m horrible, stupid person. There are many women out there that crave for the man like my husband who’s not romantic or sweet talk but caring, loving, hard working and smart man. I have been trying to talk some senses and get rid of stupid feeling and high expectation like a guy in a romantic movie. I dont know what to do and how can I get rid of the bad feeling and love my husband as he love me. I dont want to get divorce and realize later that I’d make mistake to leave my husband for someone i hope he ll be better than my husband. I wish i can talk to someone that just listen and give me a fair advice and not judge me that l am stupid or freak out n tell me not to do it and that stay with him because they know him.

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I let this guy go who I think was really…

I let this guy go who i think was really crazy about me…anyways i didnt feel anything meaning i kept hiding from him 2 semesters before he graduated…by the following semester it was too too too late to start talking again….i started getting depress over thoughts like i might never see him again….i started remembering how good he was to me…how he really cared for me…i hated the thought of him meeting somebody else and not seeing him…i kept creating scenarios in my head…i kept thinking he is still crazy in love with me as he was before…but everytime we cross paths i can see that its all gone as if it was never there…i tried to look good to impress him…i bought clothes and i started to go to school w a little makeup on…so that he would see that im doing just fine…still nothing…i know its my fault…i kept thinking he would want to talk to me or at least initiate…ive got so much thing to say to him like i am really sorry….if i wasnt so proud i might have even begged him to come back to me…hes probably laughing at my misery…you see i failed twice so im behind two years…i was suppose to graduate with him but now im a year behind of him….today was suppose to be the last day i will see him but i decided not to go to that party…cause i know hes already happy…hes graduating and he has a lot of friends and hes very smart…i really took it hard nlt going there…i was gonna go but my so called friend ditch me so i didnt come…not even a thankyou…and for that other girl…she would not even pass if i wasnt there…i was expecting they would come look for me…well silly me for thinking i was there friends…to make it worst my best friends decided to go on tinders and i went out with them to go for a drink…you know cause i had been feeling lonely…but they just ended up looking at gguys…they were sitting together and i was on the other side…a third wheel on the worst day…i couldnt help but feel so so hurt!! Some friends they are!!! And my sister was suppose to come…it would have been better if she did cause atleast i wont be shunned on one of my lowest day…but she bailed…back to the guy…in my head it happend diffrently…he was gonna come over to talk to me and then i will shut him up to say all my sorry and then he will fall back in love with me again….stupid me…i let the guy that liked me that i actually like…karma for over a year now even past….i will miss N.T. so much he was a good guy…descent,he understand my weird crazy persona…by now he should be happy and drunk…hes done college…while im still here for another year…if he remembers me i will just be the stupid bitch girl who let him go away…thats my sucky ending i know i deserve whats coming to me but it hurts it really does…i hope hes happy wherever he will end up in or with!!! as for me i will promise not to loose my cool over someone not ever….i wont care for any other guy because i know how painful it is…karma dont take it lightly…im suffering but i deserve it!!!goodnight

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