HOW LONG ARE WE SUFFOCATING IN THIS CLOSET FOR?
2015 is here. Today on the last day of 2014 I want to write my story. A very dark side of my life that no one knows about not even my family. Born in a small village in the Fiji Islands in a Hindu family and hindu society, little did I know what my life will hold. My father was a very known man and a very respected figure in the village. In order to get an education to girls in the village at that time he used to keep a lot of girls at our house to send them to school, those poor girls who could not afford bus fares or school fees, my father used to help them out. Always surrounded by girls was my childhood. Every year in my school they will have an annual day, I will stand in front or perform in front as a girl. What impact will all this have on my life little did I know all I knew is I liked wearing girl clothes and performing. The village thought it was hilarious and I thought I was becoming famous. Then I don’t even remember the age, the men in the village started molesting me. Touching me in appropriately that ultimately felt good and next thing you know I started liking men. Never attracted to the opposite sex, I was always attracted to guys. At the age of 8 I was raped in a sugar cane field in the village by a man. When I came home with cuts in my legs my father asked me, what happened. At that little age all I knew was that I could not tell my family as it will bring disgrace to my family and I said I was chased by hornets. Started my sacrifice for my family.
Went to a boarding school thinking my life will get better, but again same thing. Fell for a couple of guys, many used me for money but no one ever loved me. I had many friends who cared about me, but there were many who were only to take advantage of me or make fun of me. My colleagues rejected me for being gay and I used to look for friendship in other age groups.
In 2004 I migrated to the USA. My family was saved by now, all came to know the Lord and it became harder for me to come out. I believe in God also, I also believe like my family that Christ died for my sins, but I could not admit that I am gay. Every time I pray I feel guilty and I started living a life for my family. My sister found out once back in Fiji that I like a guy and she told me I will be dead for her and family if I chose that life and I decided to start living a life for my family. Came the year 2012 and I was getting married with a believer girl from India who is my wife right now. She prayed, fasted and asked God for wisdom before she said yes and so did I and finally we said yes to each other. Oblivious of the fact that I am gay I thought just like my friends say everything will get better once I get married. My life will change, I will have a family, my own kids like my nephew I love the most in the world. It all changed and I was happy for my marriage. I went to India and got married and what do you know, my wife’s cousin brother approached me and told me he likes me and I fell for him. For the first time someone said genuinely he loves me. Nothing seemed right but we still went ahead and later when my wife came here I knew things were going to change. The first night I slept with my wife and she tried to kiss me I got disgusted and told her everything. She broke completely but still accepted me. What a woman she is, she started praying for me and still is praying but nothing helps. Her cousin brother who told me he loves me more than anything found out that my wife knows about us because I told her and he left me. He disappeared saying he never loved me. Another heartbreak and I decided that now I will settle my wife. I started saving and doing everything I can to give my wife who came all the way over here in this country a better and established life. Started living a lie. Don’t feel like going home because everytime I look at her I feel guilty, I feel I have ruined her life, I feel terrible. That is not the Shammi I was, I was one where people talked about me as how caring and how loving I am in every way. How did I become this man, always frustrated, always getting mad, never happy, suffocating.
Today I am quiet because I do not want my wife to go back to India, what will she do there, the society will not accept her, she and her family will go through shame, and I decided to keep quiet and live a lie till I can get my wife established. Today I stand as a 32 year old man, not happy, always trying to please my family, always trying to keep everyone happy and living a lie. The military where I work even recognizes gay people, I am open to them, to all my friends who gladly accept and love me and support me, I am also out to some close relatives who love me and accept me the same, but I can not come out to my family Till How long will I live in this suffering. When will I be able to breathe that fresh air, and when will I be able to live my life with the person who loves me. Will my family still accept me or to keep my family in my life, I will have to live this life which I’m suffocating in forever, I cannot lose my family, I love them, but will my life be like this forever? That is the question I ask myself and a message to all who are living in closets like me for their families happiness. Why is it such a disgrace to be gay in todays society. Why am I unacceptable to God because I am gay? Till how long does one suffer? So many questions that needs to be answered.