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Hi everyone or anyone reading this…

Hi everyone or anyone reading this. I am not here to showcase my writing talent or write fiction. In fact I hate writing. I am here to tell you my life and how I live it everyday. I need an outlet a place to let it out and express emotions without regret. My name is anonymous and I am in my early twenties. I have 3 siblings 2 brothers and one sister. I live with my parents in a small town outside a big city. I work and go to school like the average adult my age. I live in a quiet neighborhood and have a pet like most people I know do. I have goals, dreams and share a smile with the world like most people I see. Yet, unlike most people my home is one filled with violence and fear. I guess it all starts with our parents and their history. They were raised very different from us and grew up very poor. Let me start with the problem of all problems, my father. He was born in the sixties in Mexico.

His mother died when he was 3 and his father was a man with no integrity who use to beat his mother or so we hear from other family members. His father re-married, but my dad tells horrible stories of this woman. She would leave him to starve for days and they always fought with each other. Even though his dad could have stood up for him he never did. Nor did he ever take care of him which is why he re-married so another woman would take on that burden. So I guess he grew up cold and with a tortured mind of his own. I think he holds a dark secret because someone as cruel as him can’t be that cruel without a motive. Or maybe not. Maybe he lacks any sort of emotion and violence is the only thing that makes him feel even thought that feeling is anger. I think that’s the definition of a psychopath. He was always violent. He moved in with a woman when he came to the U.S. and had a baby girl with her. From what I hear from my half sister is that he use to beat her mom. He was a jealous maniac whom even though was loved by that woman had too many issues to be in a relationship with her. They split up but they each tell their own story of who left who. Regardless the point is he was willing to go. Eventually he moved to Illinois with my mom.

Ah yes my dear sweet mother. She has it worst than anyone I know. Her story is beyond unbelievable it sickens me and makes tears run down my face just writing it. She was born over 40 years ago around the same town as my father in Mexico. She had both parents and 9 siblings. She was the youngest and the most loved by her parents according to her. Unfortunately for her, her brothers did not feel the same. She was raped by 3 of them at the age of 9 and let down by all of them. They have watched her suffer in this house and done nothing to defend her. I despise them. They are worthless and deserve no forgiveness or mercy. I wish they would rot in prison, but she won’t say anything because she doesn’t want carry that around in the open for people to judge her. I can’t understand why she can’t I can’t understand why she cares if they hurt or die I will never understand I can only try and protect her. So she moved to the U.S. when she was 14 and at 21 decided she wanted children so she moved in with the next guy she dated and had 4 children. He obviously showed no signs of violence towards her while dating and he didn’t even drink at that time. Things took a turn after the first born which is me.

I was born in 1994 my brother in 1997 my sister in 2001 and my other brother in 2004. I grew up seeing my dad come home drunk every weekend and beat my mom. I watched as he struck her and then slammed the door in my face to go away. I heard as she screamed from the next room and I had to hide under the kitchen table or carry my siblings to hide behind the couch. I remember a certain time when he was in my room beating her and I opened the door to tell him to stop and when I did I saw how he had his hands on her throat choking her and her faced bruised. I remember him closing the door and me running to my siblings so they would close their eyes and think of a better place. I remember that each time he was done he would go over to me sit me on the couch and tell me why he did what he did as if there was a reasonable explanations for his wrong doing. I remember nodding my head teeth clenched and looking down. More than half of the times he was drunk and he’d come home to beat her, but it seems that some times he’d drink when he was upset to purposely beat her and make drinking his excuse. So I grew up hating him while still relying on him for clothing, food and shelter. I grew up cold and tortured like them. Seems to run in the family. I grew up distracted at school, making excuses to bully people just to feel in control of them, scared to go home, and even more scared not to. Every time the weekend grew near I would think “Could this time be the last time or maybe he will change” or “This time could also be the time where he goes to far. Where she fights back and ends up killing him”. Nothing like that has happened but clearly it could I mean shit gets so crazy and crazy fast I don’t know whats happening until after it has happened. I’ve grown to push people away and trust no one. I hate that their problems are my problems as if I don’t have my own problems. I do have problems. Juggling to much has led me to therapy, but who has the time for that when my time is spent watching over my siblings. I play the role of mom, dad, sister, and right now I’m trying to be what the IRS calls “Head of Household”. I like to think of it as a wolf pack. My father is the old Alpha who needs to retire as an Omega. I have decided to take his old position of Alpha since I was 17 and lead them to sanity and a healthy environment. They listen to me, they come to me with problems, they obey me, they are loyal to me. My mom isn’t capable of such a role because I can see she is struggling with her inner self. So I had no choice but to take these roles. I don’t mind as much as other young adults might. I am happy when I am with them. I take them to school activities, provide educational information, help with school work, cook at times and take them out for a fun day. I spend most weekends home. I have plenty of hobbies. Most of which I could only do once every three months. I am a parent of 3 children and one adult. Im not saying this to receive a medal or because I think I’m some kind of hero. NO. I am saying this to let it out to let myself say it without saying it to them. I would never change the role I play to live my life. I could never leave them I am here because I can shut things off emotionally and put on a brave face for them. I am their support system and I can handle that. At least I think I can. I can because they are such great kids!. My sister is so smart and beautiful she is my little angel and I am so proud of her. The oldest of my two little brothers is in college trying to become somebody in life without showing how hurt he actually is. He is lost and scared I can feel it. He was bullied at an early age and struggle with it everyday. He doesn’t know how to act or what to do. I have to work very hard with him to get him to move on with his life. But I’m starting to think I am not good enough and he needs psychological help. He too remembers seeing the punches. Let me be clear my father no longer beats my mom ever since I turned 13. I think it is because he thinks I will call the cops on his ass. Which I will. Now he just verbally abuses her and instead of hitting her hits my brother. They fight constantly and fight each other. He is now 18 but he doesn’t have the build to fight a grown ass man. I’m scared he will turn out to be like my father because he is so tormented by him. I try my best to stop them and I do every time I am home. But now word has got around that my brother said he wanted to kill himself because of his living conditions. And I admit I have picked fights with him over the things he struggles with, but only because I thought he could handle such fights. Now I hear that he would take his life if he knew how. I was devastated when I found this out yesterday. I will NOT lose my brother over my fucked up father. I refuse to have him think that way. I want the problem solved now I want us to move away and start a normal life. I wish I could but nothing is free in life and we have no money to move. But that doesn’t matter we will be moving soon I can’t have my brother thinking those dark thoughts. Then there’s my youngest brother. The spoiled one by our dad. He is the baby of the family and knows it too well. I look at him and see too much of my father in him and I don’t want that. I want him to be a regular little kid who thinks about cars and his favorite tv show. Instead I see anger issues and no motivation for school work. I see fear in his eyes but with such bravery when my parents fight he jumps in to try and stop them. This little 10 year old boy in between 2 grown people can you imagine? He shouldn’t have to do that I tell him not to but he cares and that’s why he does it. I don’t know how to survive like this any longer. It takes a lot out of me each time my parents fight. He is so aggressive and has horrible jealous fits. He threatens to beat her and I watch as he says those words but quickly looks at me as I’m standing there waiting for him to do so. He hasn’t he won’t while I am present he knows better than to lay one finger on my mother. Now he will learn to not lay a finger on my brother I will not put up with him beating him any longer. I lay here sitting in my room on a saturday night wishing that my only problems were finding a boyfriend to watch the new Avengers movie with. Haha how stupid those little things seem. How stupid it is to fight over petty things and to fight with me over them. I get so much shit for not going out or not wanting to meet a guy. I get upset but instead of telling them why I just laugh in my head. I laugh at their mistakes because they can afford to make them. I laugh at the dumb ideas that circle their heads. What should I buy beer or hard liquor?” “Should I sleep with him and give him another chance?” or my favorite “He promised me he’d never do it again.” It is sad to watch so many of my friends take shit from guys when they have two great role models as parents. I could never take the amount of crap my dad did to my mom from a guy. I have lived all my life with jealous rages, fights, lies, and abuse why would I want to live like that with some guy. I can only hope for the best. I can only hope one day my mother can walk outside feel the fresh air and smile at me saying she is now happy and free. I can only hope I can say my siblings and I can say that as well.

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I grew up in an alcoholic family where dad…

I grew up in an alcoholic family where drugs and alcohol have been a normal part in everyday life, I’ve had a very stressful and psychotic childhood, my mother has moved much due. Boyfriends and I’ve never really known my father since he has been in prison for most of my life, he is a pedophile.
I have two siblings one big sister and little sister, most of my little sister’s life I’ve been a mother for her.
I myself was born in Herning/Jutland and raised the first years of my life there but when my father goes to prison, we moved to Copenhagen, the first man I remember as being very violent, my little sister’s real father he is a pedophile . He begins to treat us really bad when my mother being hospitalized when she was giving birth to our little sister, he would beat us and starve us, when a teacher notice it and we get removed we get in orphanages and there we live in approximately 7 months and are then brought home by our mother who chose to move back to Jutland to my father.

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I wish I could be better. Be great…

I wish I could be better.  Be great.  Be more than what I am.
It hurts to disappoint people.  To be less of what is expected of me.
Sometimes I don’t know why I cry.
My whole life I was told not to. Crying was weak, crying was ugly,  crying was bad. Crying hurt others. So I cried alone.
So no one knew I was weak and ugly and bad.
Now I’m scared of crying.
I can’t let people see. I can’t go to anyone for comfort.
It’s so hard. And I’m too weak.
I’m too selfish.  And I’m too rude.
I have to make them happy.
I can’t be happy before them.
And it hurts

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He’s my best friend. And I love him …

He’s my best friend.
And I love him
We shared everything. We grew up together
It wasn’t until high school that I knew I was crushing on him.
I was so nervous. I finally found the courage to ask him out.
We were friends and I thought we shared everything.
He told me maybe.
He didn’t tell me he loved someone else.
He should have just said no.
We don’t share everything.

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Today I was locked out of the room during…

Today I was locked out of the room during PE class. I knocked the door but nobody bothered to open it for me. I wnt to the office and got late to class!

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Today I am pursuing University…

Today I am pursuing university….and I live in Delhi..
My English is not to good but I can express my feeling my life my story my life experience.. So..well I want to start firstly introduce about my life my family background I am from middle class family and I am Christian…I passed out 12th in 2014 and now I pursuing in Delhi University from……college. I love independent life and I live with my parents had give full independent I really happy with my life and I make laugh to my relatives friends and all…aaa.. M very funky type simply I win heart of every body now I wants to share where my ly.
My life got turning point when I pursuing at college there I meet with lot of friends. It’s my first year and exactly on masti masti I met with a boy named tejas.. My friend introduced us, and then he sent me friend request at second day I accept his friend request. Then on Facebook we chat daily and one day we exchanged phone numbers. Now when I meet him in college now by this meeting we love each other but how too purpose main issue now then one with lot of guts and hold my breathe I purpose him and I cant imagine he feel same as me..and he accept me he love me lot he always fulfill my all needs he help me entire problem he is with me in my problem and even at my happy times he cares me a lots he really loves me a lot… I wants discuss my flash back story of ex relation ..
My ex relation his name is harman he always leave me hurts well don’t know he care me or not want he think what he do nobody knows he hurts me in my single mistake so I left him…now come to my real relation its was only tejas our life slowly moving toward our life future we come close..but one days harman return to get disaster in my life again then i thought that i should tell tejas about him then one day I tell him everything and he said its okay but you go back …i am with you i your all stages i trust you…now every thing is going on in convenient way we both happy but appox dec. 2014 after Christmas again disaster come in our life his family knows every thing about our relationship and they were against with this relationship and the reason is caste that means he is Hindu and I am Christian… He was totally hopeless he desided to break our relation but i build up his trust that he have done so much…we r close too .

Our dreamss…he said no then i agree with his statement i said your wish now at last he loves so can he live without me so message me I need you and we promise that day that we never ever break our relationship after that most probably happen this that his parents not allow to meet with he they beat him his sis brother make laugh on him but he come back again in my life because he love me many time I make him hurt nd now i really feel sorry tejas please I am sorry but i love you..
Now its April 2015 …7th and half month of our relation ship now afain all things happen but i don’t know why I feel that he not come again in my life i don’t know why but i love today 2 days gone and there is no message, no call from him
Tejas baby i wait for you..always because you are my every thing my life my best friend my baby i love you

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It was 2013, My fiance at the time…

It was 2013, My fiance at the time, Sharie, went off to Chicago for 21 days. What did she bring me back as a gift? GENITAL HERPES………..thank god I never opened the package. A month later she was arrested by LAPD for felony domestic violence. You can look up her arrest record. She deserves to rot in hell for all the fake bullshit she has pulled. Be warned, Sharie in CA has genital herpes and is bipolar. She is a wannabe gold digger who is up to her neck in debt looking for a sugar daddy to pay her bills. If you want to date her, wear a condom and a paper bag, she kinda looks like a dude. Oh and when she gets horny, which is once every three months, she talks like Aunt Jumima……..If you have sex with her bareback I will buy you a 12 pack of beer.

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I loved a man,who was 3-4 year younger…

I loved a man,who was 3-4 year younger than me, we were in relationship for 5 year almost, I love him so much of course words are not enough sometimes. I always wanted that he should know that I always needed him, expected something, he was the only person that I could have expected something but one day he left me for forever than I was broken, and I used to break everyday may be no heard because I never said, I remain all alone, then I realised that I am surrounded by fake people. I still miss him. This is not the whole story. No one will know it as i can’t explain everything in words.

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I worked full time found out I was expec…

I worked full time found out I was expecting I was only 18 felt so lonely was still at home with mum dad and my little sister carried on working attended my midwives appointment who was concerned my baby had not kicked ten times then again coming to think of it he never did midwife said if no moving by tea straight to hospital I rang my local hospital said they were closed understaffed so attended the next nearest one all nurses saying yes all seems fine next thing this other doctor come from no were saying my babies heart had dropped three times said emergency section thanks to that doctor my son was born 2 pound 3 he is now 11 and doing fine.

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I’m 17. My mother, my father…

I’m 17.
My mother, my father, my little brother and me live in a house that’s legally 25% ours.
My grandfather lives here too, because my father’s the youngest child, 50% of the house belongs to my grandfather, and probably because my mom is the only daughter/daughter-in-law who can actually stand him. He’s not that much of a bad person, but since he had a stroke and can’t move freely like he used to, he started to be annoying. When he was in the hospital, he was all good and he’d behave like a saint with the nurse, asking and telling her about going home, so they just pitied him, let him go home. Old people having strokes aren’t that rare, besides, my grandfather looked well cared for, we even had a helper at home, so he left the hospital after 2 weeks. But when he got home : he’d remove his pants, and stayed half naked to protest the diapers even though he needed it. He can’t walk, can’t even stand up with a walker, his hands and feet are uncoordinated, his eyesight is terrible, he had had a stroke a few weeks ago, and no one can be there all day to fucking pick him up princess style to the bathroom, wait, clean him up then put him to bed again every time he needs to pee. My uncles and aunts sometimes came by to see him, performing their monthly duty with their father. They made things worse by complaining about the state of my grandfather, saying “he’s too dirty, bath him” or “make him put some pants on”. In the end, my mom had enough, so we hired a second helper because the first one can’t fucking clean the mess my grandfather has made. The 2 helpers combine with ridiculous remedies that my grandfather found while listening to the radio made us spend an equally ridiculous amount of money. My mom and dad’s salaries are spent clean each month, and the savings from before kinda shrink little by little each year. The money, the stress on my parents make ME angry a lot and almost all the time. Why I’m the angry one ? Because I can’t fucking do anything, because I’m just a minor, and they’re all adults, that’s why.

I wrote this because half an hour ago, I had a tantrum at my mother for just accepting everything, and I fucking cried for 25 minutes out of anger and frustration. There’s also a fucking 30 years old unemployed leech of a cousin invading the house, the first helper fucking bullies my family into buying her stuffs even though she’s not completely aware of it, my annoying brother being selfish and bullies my parents to throw him a giant birthday party, and me being an asshole for not keeping my mouth shut just to spew out every bits of thoughts about how my parents should or shouldn’t do.

I’m just angry and frustrated, that’s all, because my mom’s too nice and too accepting, while my dad’s too naive and too fucking carefree to think about OUR FAMILY’S financial situation. Sometimes you’d think that he cares about his numerous friends more than he does his family.

Sometimes, I just wanna fucking kick the helpers out, my grandfather out, that fucking leech out of the house, but I can’t because this is not entirely ours. They all have treated my mom’s money like shit and never thankful that if my dad hasn’t married my mom, they probably would be starving or died off somewhere.

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Ok.. This is a bit long..but please do not…

ok.. this is a bit long..but please do read it…The world aint a wish granting factory. people are hypocritical.. judgemental and cruel. they are really selfish… i fell inlove with a guy..possibly for the first tym in my life.. i had been in a pretty bad relationship before i met him.. i did think at that tym that i was in love with my x. now i realise i was not…i was never in love with that guy.. yet in my cofusion i went ahead and had sex with him..i was 15.the worst mistake f my life .. it literally turned my world upside down. becoz 1) i had to move out of the place i had stayed in since my birth coz of him 2)i missed out on possibly awesoe opportunities that were just waiting there fr me and 3) i lost all the friends that i had made till then coz i had to move out and i had no way to contact them( ps. they backstabbed me too)…yet.. i didnt give up on life..i went ahead to my new school a little bit bolder and a little bit more self aware of my feelings.. and thats where i met HIM.. he was everything i needed.he was just as if gods had sent an angel down from heaven to save me… he was and is awesome…he supported me.. was there when i wanted and needed him to be.. knew how t make me smile.. wuld come and talk to ME if we hadnt spoken to each other in a while.. how in heaven cud i have not fallen for him? it was one of  the most purest and best friendships ..the probs came weni fel fr him.. my school ended.i joined college.. i told him about the way i felt for him… he loved another girl..nd wen i told him that i cudnt bear to talk to him any lnger.. he DID NOT ALLOW me to break the friendship.. and this went on for two years.. right now im literally broken and shattered my self esteem has suicided…. oh and he has started avoidig me now.. but i still lve him like mad..i had fights with my new friends all the time.. i live in a hostel so i cant even be with my mom.. i cry to her on the phone all the time and she in turn taking tension about me has developed many diseases.. i hate myself now.. im lost lonely and currently have no where to go to …. i wanna survive.. i wanna survive dear lord.. give me the strength

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I Don’t know what im actually doing on …

I Don’t know what I’m actually doing on this site right now but anyways, here I go. So I’m just a girl who wants attention and love, thats all I ever wanted in this life. To be loved and cared for, but I haven’t gotten these things from anyone. “what about your friends you say?” I’ll say what friends? I have none. I finished high school 2 years ago, don’t contact my so called “bestfriend, I mean once I did but didn’t even get a reply, what friend, I started college and I seem to have bad luck in finding friends? I don’t go out, I cant, I just stay locked in my room and the weird thing is that’s where I find my peace and happiness, being alone isn’t suppose to make someone happy, but it makes me happy..sort of, I guess maybe its cause I’m so use to being alone and not having anyone to talk too. Its like I don’t even exist in this world, I talk to people online well because it seems that people like me more when they don’t know me in real life… but sometimes a person wants a physically friend one where you can call and hug when everything going down hill. My family is too busy worrying about my brother who is being addicted to drugs.. so I don’t even bother with anything anymore because whats the point when I know its not gonna’ matter.. I’ll be talking about how my day went and mum just ignore and talks about my brothers problem? I mean am I being selfish?? Sometimes I feel like being a good person isn’t worth it, the bad ones always get the love and attention.

– LonerGirl

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I’ve hurt people in the past and I’ve …

I’ve hurt people in the past and I’ve also been hurt myself. My friends, family and guys. I got over it and remained happy. I never let anything bother me. September 2014, she left this world. She was there on the day I was brought into this world but she isn’t here anymore. When I got told of her passing, all I did was scream and cry. I cried until I could cry no more. I didn’t want it to be true. That day and the day after remain sketched in my mind. I want to forget those 2 days but I can’t. I cried every day for her for 3 months. I still cry for her every so often. I wish I could forget what happened on them days but I can’t. Talking about her makes me feel a mixture of emotions. I hate it though when talking about her. Shouldn’t be talking about her. She should be here. After her passing, I became I different person. The girl who I was before she went, didn’t exist anymore. I am now cold-hearted, very honest. I push people away because now I know from this difficult experience, I can’t allow myself to get close to people as I know I will lose them sooner or later. Life is unpredictable. Life hurts. Life is a struggle. Life is hard. I miss the old me. I miss how life was like before September 2014. It’s been over 8 months since she went, I’m still quietly grieving. I can’t get over it and I don’t know if I ever will.

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I m 20. I had never fallen in love? …

I m 20. I had never fallen in love with anyone or never hanged out with a guy. But on Jan 9th, I started talking to a guy on Facebook who is in my family relations..we carried on nicely with treating each other very special all the time. Then I was in home in my semester breaks on Feb 1st, I went back to Bangalore for my final semesters. Everything was going good. He use to talk to me as if he ll marry only one person me. But he cheated on me as after that he started speaking to his ex and started ignoring me. Now he is telling me to forget all those things. What should I do? I love him a lot

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Hey, I am new on this. I usually don’t…

Hej I am new on this. I usually donct tell my story. Maybe I am ashamed of it or don’t want to be identified with it. But here I go.
When I was a child my parents were diagnosed with depression. They couldn’t care of me anymore and still are very weak, I think. I lived in a children’s home and continued attending high school. I was very good at school and will take my A-level exams soon. I hope that I can come back to this forum and tell more about me. You guys are very welcome to ask me questions. That would help me a lot.
With lots of love and best wishes

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My heart hurts.

My heart hurts.

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If there is anything I regret in life, I…

If there is anything I regret in life, it’s letting you touch me when we both know I didn’t want you to. You shouldn’t have to try and convince me that was okay.

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At age 4 i became an orphan. My twin brother…

At age 4 I became an orphan. My twin brother was adopted by a different family they wanted a boy not a girl. I was adopted by a new family soon after he was adopted. My adoption father left soon after my adoption. Losing him was terrible. I have to visit him once a month and it sucks,he’s abusive and calls me a mistake. I need help finding my brother. I got a memory problem during it so i don’t even know his name. All pictures were lost in the fire. I know I had an older sister who died and my brother and my cat are the only survivors.

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After I spent half an hour talking with …

After I spent half an hour talking with a customer service lady and all the work I did to get our internet back online my mom just steals the modem and says I had one day to use it so it’s fair enough for the time I spent on the phone with a strangers. I need my space and I’m not getting it. Locks are supposed to keep people out not tell them to break in. Half the frame of my door is broken off and the lock is off the door and there is a huge wound on the ankle side of the door. I got the internet back for my brother and all I get in return is stay outside and don’t come in. I’ve been sitting in the trunk of my dad’s car who isn’t here for about five hours crying to myself. It hurts to know the one thing I did to help everyone gets wasted and I receive no thanks or sense of any sign of appreciation. After we got it fixed my brother told me not to use the internet that I only use it to play video games. Should I not at least get a thank you for getting the internet back online? My life is a mess. My friends aren’t friends. I can’t talk to anyone and I’m shut into my own isolated areas drowning myself with music and having no social life with anyone. Even in life I’m a socially awkward kid, a wallflower you would say. I don’t have anyone who loves me who would actually care if I disappeared someone who wouldn’t move on if I was gone. It’s not that I want anyone to stay in the past but I just want to know I matter to people. I haven’t had a real friend since ever and now I’ve gotten to know one good friend but I cannot even possibly connect with my friend throughout all this chaos. It hurts me to say that I’m not part of my family and I don’t belong in this family. All I am is a pain to others and maybe that means I should just go ahead and die because no one really needs me. It makes me feel like crap that I’m the piece of meat that no one wants that gets spat out and stomped over. I’m the trash of society I suppose. My dad said once that I look like shit maybe I am. It’s starting to get to me all these years with thoughtless parents who don’t even know their children. I’m their third chance their third son and I guess they’ve given up. They’ve given up before they even tried. I’m that hopeless. I have no future and I’ll end up like those homeless who live off of trash because something happened in their life something that they couldn’t change something that was just inevitable. I guess I’ve always been homeless. I’m a runaway child who doesn’t deserve to have a family. I’m just the part no one wants. I really wish I could run away and live a life where I’m in control not the people around me. I wish I could have my own job where I can say that I own something and no one can take it away from me. I wish I could say that I actually own something. I bond better with friends on the internet than I do in real life. I communicate better on the internet than I do with y parents. Internet is my life and my parents have stolen it like it was theirs to steal. Like I don’t own my life. All my life I wish I got a chance to share my mind but that would scare everyone off. I’m kind of the kid who sits in a corner who no one cares about and is depressed all their life because they have no friends and no social experiences so they keep to themselves and live life for nothing with no reason to live but to live just for the hell of it.

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