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Sunday March 29, 2015 in Category Drugs and Alcohol, Life

I was born into a family that you only ever hear about on the news. My mum and dad would leave me at home alone for sometimes a couple days, I was just baby I couldn’t even crawl yet. My diaper would be full, I would stink and be screaming from hunger. My mum couldn’t handle my crying anymore so she would drug me to put me to sleep. If I didn’t behave they would take my food away from me and not let me eat. I was teased for how much and how fast I would eat my food but no one knew the real reason why… I didn’t know if that was going to be my last meal for a couple of days. I would watch my dad beat my mum and then he would hit me to. One day my dad drank a little bit too much and lost it on me he couldn’t handle my crying anymore so he turned on the stove burner and burned my foot on it he thought it was funny he thought it would teach me a lesson….That was the last straw our family friend came over and saw the bruises and burns and she grabbed me and rushed me to the hospital and called the cops. I couldn’t walk for weeks and I was so scared as to when I was going to have to go back home. The cops asked me question after question and then a social worker came in and told me that I would never have to see my mum and dad again. Our family friend was young she was only 19 years old and she asked the social worker if she could adopt me. She loved me like her own child. After a few days of investigations and such I was sent home with my new mum and dad. I was happy for a little while I had everything I could imagine and more! We did lots of fun things and best of all there was so much food and no one hit me. After about a year my mum and I started fighting really bad. I didn’t know how to act like a real kid.  All I knew was hitting and screaming and hurting myself. I was barely 5 and I hated everyone and everything my mum said she cried at how unhappy I was. She did everything she could to try and help me she would bring me to specialists, she loved me, she punished me, she would suck up to me and finally she just ran out of ideas. For years me and her faught and thats when my dad started drinking and doing drugs. It felt like my new life was turning into the nightmare before I was adopted. I was 9 and my dad molested me I was so scared I knew it was wrong but I also knew I couldn’t tell my mum. I already ruined their perfect life they had before me so I just kept it to myself for years….The first time I admitted to want to kill myself was when i was 10 my mum didn’t know what to do she acted in anger and tried to isolate me from the world thinking she could protect me but I was already broken and that just made me more resentful so I cut myself for the first time. I just laughed when I showed her. It felt so good I never wanted the pain to stop I loved watching myself bleed more and more as I got braver and cut deeper. And that was it. My mum lost hope. I turned 15 and ran away from home I started experimenting with drugs and alcohol and before I knew it, I was 15-16  living on the streets injecting heroine and getting high off of anything else I could find. I would rob liquor stores and beg people for money. The week after my 17th birthday I found out I was pregnant I felt like this was my chance to give a child the life that they deserved and do what I never got from my families. I went to rehab and sobered up and rented a two bedroom home for my daughter and I. While I was in rehab I got a phone call from my mum saying that she had bad news… My grandma had lung cancer. I wanted to leave rehab and go see my grandma so bad but I knew I needed the help if I wanted to raise my daughter. I finally finished rehab and when I went home I tried to see my family I wanted to see my grandma so bad but they wouldn’t allow me to. They shut me out of their life and that just gave me more of a reason to love my daughter and give her everything. November 11th I went into labour. I was so excited! My mum even showed up and I just couldn’t have asked for more. Everything started out fine but then I got this bad feeling and knew something was wrong. Nurses and drs poored into my room I had an oxygen mask and was rushed through the hospital next thing I knew I was on the operating table and I just begged them to make sure my baby was safe…They told me my baby didn’t have a heart beat she was gone they needed to get her out. That was it I was done I knew I was going to kill myself when all of this was over. They took my daughter out and about a minute later I heard they loudest cry I’ve ever heard… SHE WAS ALIVE! I couldn’t believe it my baby was alive she was breathing she was moving she was healthy and strong. We got sent home from the hospital and a week later I realized I had post pardem so bad. I didn’t even want to see my daughter anymore I was depressed and lonely and that’s when I made the biggest regret in my life… I put her up for adoption. I knew it was a mistake the second she was gone how could I have just given up on her like that? The way everyone always gave up on me. I thought I was better then that… I started drinking again more then I’ve ever drank before. I turned 19 and decided everyone would be better off if I moved away so I got up and left with nothing more then a few hundred $$ and a backpack. But no matter where I was or what I did I just wasn’t happy!! That was it I was going to end it all. I took a whole bottle of sleeping pills and drank a bottle of rum. I went up a mountain side and just waited..The pills hit me and i was so scared this wasn’t what I expected. I imagined it as peaceful but I barely could breath I was pissing my pants throwing up everywhere I tried so hard to call 911 but my vision was so blurry i couldn’t focus on the numbers… I dialed random numbers in desperate hopes of some help. I sat against a tree and closed my eyes I wanted to cry but i couldn’t… I was dying and there was nothing I could do to help myself. What seemed like hours later I could hear dogs and scanners and voices there was lights everywhere it got so bright all of a sudden. People started touching me I could feel dogs brushing on my skin the kind people called my name and asked me if I could hear them… I could hear them and I wanted to tell them so bad but I couldn’t respond I tried but nothing would come out. My organs were shutting down and I needed to be rushed to the hospital. Two days later I woke up in the hospital everything felt like a dream. How did I survive! I was frustrated and confused. They told me I was ready to be released but they wouldn’t let me leave the hospital. They told me I was going to stay in the psychward for awhile to try and get some help. The saddest part of all the whole time I was missing and in the hospital no one tried to find me. My mum and dad got a call saying I was in the psychward and no one came to visit me. Its been three years now and im still struggling but I m proud to say I have a job, a home and an amazing bf… I’ve never truly been happy but I will never give up like i did before

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Sunday March 29, 2015 in Category Love & Relationships

I’ve been under this cold place for soo long that I don’t even remember how it feels like to be loved. As I stare into the sky waiting for that special person to pull me out of the water, every time I thought she’s there, she disappears like the fate is trying to play with me. I’m so tired staring into the sky so bright and warm. Wishing that for once It will share its warmth to me…oh my fated lady, my saviour when will you come, under this cold place that I’ve been waiting for so soo long.

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Sunday February 8, 2015 in Category Friends and Family

When I was 5 years old I was put into Foster care with my 7 year old brother and my 10 year old sister. At age 6 I was separated from my brother and sister. At age eight I was put into a treatment center called the namaqua center. It was there that I was told by my older sister that no one knew who my dad was. After that I was moved to a home that was going to adopt my and they ended up telling my that I was so much stress that they will never want to adopt another kid again.  At 10 I was put into another adoptive home. Their names were Peter and Beverly these people practicaly saved my life I was adopted by them at age 11. When I was going for my second go around in sixth grade at KIPP Sunshine Peak Academy I came out to my whole sixth grade class. Two of my best friends wrote these letters to me that were from a boy that didn’t even exist. I learned words I had never even heard of until that day like masturbate. My mom fond them in the trash ripped up she put the pieces and showed my principal. And he said that they would get punished for it but they never did. I was the outcast of the whole school after my true best friend Kristina left at the end of 7th grade. In the summer before 8th grade my parents began to adopt my little brother Josh.  When he started going to my school he was always in trouble so much that he didn’t even remember what he was in trouble for. At age 17 I was put back into Foster care for neglect. I wanted time go home so bad that I ran from every place they put me in. I asked my gal what would happen on my 18th birthday and she said “you get a cake” when was 18 I fell down 25 foot man hole. And have been single ever sense.  And at 21 I was I came back to my biological family with my sister and now my sister hates my because I’m gay. I get yelled at for leaving for one hour. I run out of ssi money by the 5th of every month. Because my aunt keeps raising my rent price my sister is always trying to set me up with guys that will force themselves on me.  Just Cuz I smoke with the old Mexican that lives with and he tried to feel up on me when he was drunk and make me commit to five year relationships with him. And I just get told that i lead him on. And I can’t leave Cuz I have nowhere to go not to mention I have been rejected by every that I have liked for four years straight and my biological mom refuses to tell me who my real dad is and still chooses getting laid by a sexoffender over her kids.

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Tuesday February 3, 2015 in Category Life

I was once in the Main Train Station in Amsterdam, Holland, passing through after having just purchased a really nice warm bomber jacket for the winter. Some guy was yelling something at everyone and I saw him dump some liquid on himself from the top of his head and it all dripped down his body, and then he took out a match and lit himself on fire. I ran to him right away, through my new jacket on him after knocking him down and kept patting him all over. When I lifted the jacket off him a little, it was so hot that the fire would recombust and I had to put him out all over again. Nobody ever knew it was me that did it. I walked away and heard about it on the news.

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Monday February 2, 2015 in Category Friends and Family

I am not a good girl. I know I don’t have any problem with that but that doesn’t mean everyone had to treat me badly specially as it’s so easy to write but very difficult to control the feeling. The day I was born, my mum didn’t accept me for the gender I was born with. She always wanted a boy . But bad luck I was born. I don’t care and I am happy I am born being a girl. But that doesn’t mean mummy you  have to behave rude with. Guys you wont believe the slang language she uses and the way she insult me.. I will just give you two examples .. “Why do you live in this world I don’t want you just die”. I don’t know how you are feeling but it hurts a lot wen you hear this from you loving mum … I do everything to make her happy ..she is never happy.. Alight, here’s the point I am 17 now I am mixed with a bad crew and consider my self as a bitch … I am sorry to say this but I wont lie. I swear if I had a choice I would change my self. I don’t want to live a life being a bitch. I just want a cute family where I will get loved by my mum dad and everyone.

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Monday January 26, 2015 in Category Love & Relationships

A simple girl who never had crush in school. Met a guy in 7th grade. They became good friends. Somehow the girl started liking him. He wasn’t that famous or anything. She liked him for her sweet personality. She was not pretty enough to confess her feeling to him. She was opposite of him. He was skinny & she was chubby. She never talked about him to her best friend.

Time passed & they became good friends. Her best friend was more close to him. She couldn’t keep the secret with her anymore. One day she shared her feeling with her best friend. She was surprised. She asked her to go and confess it to him. It was final exam of 8th grade. She had no guts to talk to him directly. So she wrote what she feels about him in a letter & gave it to her best friend to give it to him. Her best friend call that guy’s best friend & told him to give him the letter.
*end of exam no response of the letter*
New session started. She was curious to know that guys answer. So she asked his friend to give his answer. Unfortunately that guy said *Sorry we are only friends*.
That shattered that girl. She didn’t knew what to do. She acted like she moves on. & one day she got to know her best friend was dating that guy. She was shocked. She couldn’t believe her bestfriend did this to her. But they both went apart as time flowed. After school that girl & guy use to chat everyday. & they both became best friends.that guy didn’t realized that she still loves him.

One day she took risk & texted him
She – hey
Him – hello
She – I wanna say you something, but…
Him – yeah! Sure go on..
She – I don’t know how will you react.
Him – dont worry. I’m your best friend. You can share anything with me.
She – ammm.. I still love you. I couldn’t forget you. I still love u that’s it..
Him – urgghh okay…
Him – you know that you are one of the important person in my life. But I dont love you like other way. I hope you understand.
Her – hmm

She tried to commit suicide for him. She dont know what she would do.
Its been 5 years she still loves him. But can’t share it with anyone. She can’t even move on cause she truly loves him…

In this world a fat girl is not allowed to get her love?
People makes fun of them. Do they even think what’s going on them.

*( please ignore the mistakes)*

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Wednesday January 21, 2015 in Category Thoughts and Feelings

I dont know where I stand I swear I need a shrink I hate men with a passion

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Thursday January 1, 2015 in Category Thoughts and Feelings

2015 is here. Today on the last day of 2014 I want to write my story. A very dark side of my life that no one knows about not even my family. Born in a small village in the Fiji Islands in a Hindu family and hindu society, little did I know what my life will hold. My father was a very known man and a very respected figure in the village. In order to get an education to girls in the village at that time he used to keep a lot of girls at our house to send them to school, those poor girls who could not afford bus fares or school fees, my father used to help them out. Always surrounded by girls was my childhood. Every year in my school they will have an annual day, I will stand in front or perform in front as a girl. What impact will all this have on my life little did I know all I knew is I liked wearing girl clothes and performing. The village thought it was hilarious and I thought I was becoming famous. Then I don’t even remember the age, the men in the village started molesting me. Touching me in appropriately that ultimately felt good and next thing you know I started liking men. Never attracted to the opposite sex, I was always attracted to guys. At the age of 8 I was raped in a sugar cane field in the village by a man. When I came home with cuts in my legs my father asked me, what happened. At that little age all I knew was that I could not tell my family as it will bring disgrace to my family and I said I was chased by hornets. Started my sacrifice for my family.
Went to a boarding school thinking my life will get better, but again same thing. Fell for a couple of guys, many used me for money but no one ever loved me. I had many friends who cared about me, but there were many who were only to take advantage of me or make fun of me. My colleagues rejected me for being gay and I used to look for friendship in other age groups.
In 2004 I migrated to the USA. My family was saved by now, all came to know the Lord and it became harder for me to come out. I believe in God also, I also believe like my family that Christ died for my sins, but I could not admit that I am gay. Every time I pray I feel guilty and I started living a life for my family. My sister found out once back in Fiji that I like a guy and she told me I will be dead for her and family if I chose that life and I decided to start living a life for my family. Came the year 2012 and I was getting married with a believer girl from India who is my wife right now. She prayed, fasted and asked God for wisdom before she said yes and so did I and finally we said yes to each other. Oblivious of the fact that I am gay I thought just like my friends say everything will get better once I get married. My life will change, I will have a family, my own kids like my nephew I love the most in the world. It all changed and I was happy for my marriage. I went to India and got married and what do you know, my wife’s cousin brother approached me and told me he likes me and I fell for him. For the first time someone said genuinely he loves me. Nothing seemed right but we still went ahead and later when my wife came here I knew things were going to change. The first night I slept with my wife and she tried to kiss me I got disgusted and told her everything. She broke completely but still accepted me. What a woman she is, she started praying for me and still is praying but nothing helps. Her cousin brother who told me he loves me more than anything found out that my wife knows about us because I told her and he left me. He disappeared saying he never loved me. Another heartbreak and I decided that now I will settle my wife. I started saving and doing everything I can to give my wife who came all the way over here in this country a better and established life. Started living a lie. Don’t feel like going home because everytime I look at her I feel guilty, I feel I have ruined her life, I feel terrible. That is not the Shammi I was, I was one where people talked about me as how caring and how loving I am in every way. How did I become this man, always frustrated, always getting mad, never happy, suffocating.
Today I am quiet because I do not want my wife to go back to India, what will she do there, the society will not accept her, she and her family will go through shame, and I decided to keep quiet and live a lie till I can get my wife established. Today I stand as a 32 year old man, not happy, always trying to please my family, always trying to keep everyone happy and living a lie. The military where I work even recognizes gay people, I am open to them, to all my friends who gladly accept and love me and support me, I am also out to some close relatives who love me and accept me the same, but I can not come out to my family Till How long will I live in this suffering. When will I be able to breathe that fresh air, and when will I be able to live my life with the person who loves me. Will my family still accept me or to keep my family in my life, I will have to live this life which I’m suffocating in forever, I cannot lose my family, I love them, but will my life be like this forever? That is the question I ask myself and a message to all who are living in closets like me for their families happiness. Why is it such a disgrace to be gay in todays society. Why am I unacceptable to God because I am gay? Till how long does one suffer? So many questions that needs to be answered.

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Monday December 29, 2014 in Category Life

As a kid I can remember having so many dreams of how my life would eventually turn out. At one time I dreamed of being a professional athlete, another time a cop and yet another time a preacher. But the older I got the more unobtainable those dreams became. I could never figure out why it seemed that everyone around me was achieving their dreams and goals and moving ahead in life but for some reason I was falling behind. It was almost as if the world itself didn’t want to see me succeed. I began drinking to cope with the pain but no matter how drunk I got my reality never got any better. If anything it began to get worse as I destroyed old and new relationships with family and friends due to my addiction. Then one night I hit rock bottom as I was leaving a party intoxicated and totaled my car. My dad had never said anything to me before but that night when I came back home I could tell how worried he was. He didn’t say a word to me that night and then the next day he handed me a letter that he had written. My dad had never wrote me anything before or after that letter. When I opened it up and began reading what he wrote I started to cry. He told me how proud he was of the man that I had become and how he has never stopped believing in me as a person or loving me as a son. All that time before I thought that no one had noticed or really even cared that life had dealt me such a rotten hand. But it occurred to me that day that my dad had been there all the time. I guess I was just too busy feeling sorry for myself to notice. All this got me to thinking that I needed to spend more time with my dad. So I began to make a special effort to set aside time to spend with both my mom and my dad. After graduating high school that year I went on to college in the fall. My parents were so proud especially my dad. Dec.31,2003 my dad goes to the hospital with pneumonia. Less than four days later the doctors discovered cancer in his lungs. It was stage 2. When school started back a few days later I began drinking once again. My dad was going through chemotherapy and radiation treatments and I was a couple of hours down the road trying to drink the pain away. We had become so close in those months following that letter that my dad was no longer just my father but my best friend. But following his diagnosis our relationship began to struggle once again as I found it easier and easier to simply drink my pain away rather than talk it out with my parents, teachers or counselors at school. My grades began to be effected and the teachers were worried that my state of mind might not be where it should to continue school. But just like with everyone else in my life at that time I just shrugged them off and continued coping with my pain the only way I knew how. In 2007, three days before my birthday my father lost his battle to cancer. We buried him the day after my birthday. For quite sometime after his passing I continued to use drinking as a coping mechanism. I finally stopped and have been sober for over four years now. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss my him and wish that he was here but every time I think about drinking to cope with the pain I just pull that letter he wrote me out of my billfold, read it and remember how much he loved me and believed in me. I just wanted to share this story so that it might give another person hope. No matter how bad things seem there is always someone in your “corner” pulling for you. Take time to notice and allow that person to be the difference in your life so that you may be the difference to someone else.

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Monday December 29, 2014 in Category Love & Relationships

Ok so I have known this girl for about two years now. We are both studying abroad in Australia. She just finished her study and she is planning to go home in about a week. I have never had feelings for her before. Well I liked her but just as a friend. Now that she is going away I suddenly have feelings for her. I don’t know why but the thought of her going away for good just hurts me. I can’t get her off my mind for the past few weeks. I’m constantly thinking of her, her smile, her laugh, the silly things she’s done, I’m just crazy for her right now. I guess I fell in love at the wrong place and time. The thing is I can’t confess to her. This might sound cliché but I value our friendship more than my selfish feelings. I feel like if I confess to her I’m afraid that I might not only destroy our friendship but also the rest of her last week here. Yes I’m a coward but I just want her to be happy. I just want to enjoy the last few days with her and take her to the airport to see her going away from my life for good. I think this is the least I can do for her.

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Monday December 8, 2014 in Category Thoughts and Feelings

Im over my life and sick of the constant struggle of just bearly surviving settling for second rate stuff all the time. My bed is over 15yrs old can you believe that? Ok so im 41yrs old and have two children my first a son he was such a handful i had him young at 19 and his father and i were never in a relationship at all whatsoever it was just meant as a one night stand that was all, when my some was around 12months old we moved into our first place together just my son and i but his father found out where we were and often times came around drunk expecting sex from me and when i told him no he would become violent and aroused i found that scary and trumatic, earlier in my life i have also experienced alot of sexual inuendo. Im pathetic i know nothing about nothing and have achieved nothing every thing i try just falls apart always and i struggle i struggle we struggle she struggles too but seems at least most have done something held down some sort of job or driven somewhere and seen something beautiful. Ive just never had any know how i mean how to do what ever it is you want to do and ive never had the support from anyone ive just no drive no competition in me because i know already you have won. Im down im so down feeling at my lowest its christmas time again and again i hate it i cant stand it whats so good about it then? Just reminds me more of all the haves vrcs have nots and i am always will be part of the have nots.. I dont have the know how or the skill to turn our situation around somehow. Its coming up to my 1st born baby girls birthday on the 9th this month Dec her arrival was awfully trumatic and highly emotional she arrived via emergency c-section my mind was im trumoil. She was beautiful lil darlin, but you see this was hard as i was not able to bond with her well at all in fact her daddy did best with her it was not untill she turned 13months that i actually felt comfortable enough being around her i just always felt so inadequate and unprepared for my feelings of failure and self loathing it was starting to fade, soon i found i was pregnant again, my first borne daughter passed away on the 14 of Feb we were shattered totaly heartbroken 18moths old thats all she was just a baby girl i failed you see its my fault her brother was 7yrs old at the time i was cooking tea she was underfoot so i sent her in her brothers bedroom to play just for short time the next thing i hear is a loud crash and run into the bedroom to see the wardrobe laying on top of my baby girl she was not moving when i got to her her beautiful little eyes rolled back in her head and she gargled something, i remember panicing somewhat and screaming at my then 7yr old WHAT THE FUCKING HELL HAVE YOU DONE THISTIME.. I remember this so clearly feel so ashamed of myself ive failed so badly my sons life is a mess he is currently in jail and nearly 22yrs old he understands nothing of life and any sort of real happiness or goods peace is just not im reach for us im so pathetic. Ive hopes for my daughter who is 12 she is a smart little girl who is very ure much loved but i worrie i do not have the skills to teach her all of what she should know she can be anything she wants to be she is disadvantaged though as we do not work we do not own a car at all we do not have anything going for us nothing at all i am pathetic.

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Monday December 8, 2014 in Category Life

Im still awake but have to getup early tomorrow.

Should I go to sleep?

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Monday November 3, 2014 in Category Friends and Family

I have reacted to her  sayings: when she spoke about my family and caste.
Good things about mumma:
She is caring
She has never enjoyed her life and I feel she should now stay happy and relaxed
She is a good cook
She is loving
She seems to be fun loving, depending on her mood.

What has she done with me:
She has been v rude to me whether it is my fault or not. Even if it is rahul’s fault, she spoke all the bull shit to me. There is no limit to what bad and how bad things she has spoken to me.
She made me the target of her frustrations. If I did not do anything,  she created fuss out of it. If I did she never appreciated. Again spoke bad abt it. She was not happy to send us out. She said I should not go out. Never  taught me directly things should be. Always anger never showed love to me. I felt her love wen she put  balm on my hand. And wen she bought chips for me after she spoke bad to me.
What I have done:
I have tried to pacify her whenever she was angry. Always heard silently whatever she spoke to me. Howsoever rude she may be. I tried to keep family together. I tried to be wid her whole time if I am at home. I never sit if she is working, I try to give her maximum comfort if  I am there. But she never showed satisfaction/appreciation. . Mumma has always been vv self centered. She never showed happiness when I took a major decision to shift from delhi and leave my job just like that. Her attitude remained the same.

1. Wen rahul shifted to Delhi, the way she got rude with me. I kept communicating wid her, never left her just like dat. Kept sending her msgs on watsapp.
2. Holiday time : when she was alone. The way she behaved for 3 days she was extremely rude and spoke vvv badly with me.
3. Never received our calls if she did never spoke nicely.
4. I kept saying sorry to her without any fault
5. During holi, I was always beside her, even if she said all the rude thing she could have said.
6. Because she was unhappy, I stopped going out anywhere,
7. Because she was unhappy I changed my dressing style.
8. They earlier allowed me to wear night suit, but when I realized she doesn’t like it, I always went down stairs in salwar suits.
9. I have to stealthily go out with my husband so that she doesn’t feel bad.
10. She thinks whatever bad has happened to Rahul , has happened because of me and his involvement with me.

My Mistakes:

The day  wen I moved away while she was speaking harsh to me in the morning,I did not come downstairs. Then she was out whole day. I was worrying about her very much but rahul showed from her call records that she has gone to her friend’s place. Wen she returned back, I sat with her for 5 min but wen she moved away from the room, I went upstairs again. I should have asked her,where she had been for the whole day. What she ate or etc…….. just for the sake of formality. I did not do that. Then after that, the huge fight happened between rahul and her . I was blamed the villain and the peace breaker and the same ols chudail bahu. Since then we are staying upstairs and she down stairs. Separately in our rooms. I am not allowed to do any work  involve in any thing of her house. Just because of a single hing that I did…….. I dnt know whether I am at big fault or small fault. All I want is some personal space and some freedom for myself.

I had to react one day as otherwise the same thing would have to continue for lifelong. Someplace, somewhere,the line had to be drawn. She will have to understand that she cannot keep on doing this. This cannot continue. Somewhere she will have to limit herself.

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Saturday November 1, 2014 in Category Life

We’ve moved at least 5 times… I’ve been to 6 different schools. All in the timespan of 13 years. My life finally started coming together, and me and my brother could be going to one of the best high schools in the country. However, my mom feels that she’s financially unstable and wants to move again… Not to mention that while two men liked her, she chose the lazy, drunk, smoker, child molester, over a wealthy man who lived in Florida. So, she doesn’t make great choices.

I’ve been feeling extremely stresssed because I finally fit in and was happy, and now that my mom is moving away at the end of the school year, she gave us this choice. I could stay here and live with my 21 and 14 year old brother, or live with my mom and her boyfriend. I’ve been thinking it over, and I want to stay, but I don’t want to leave my mom alone with that maniac. No matter what we tell her, she won’t get it through her head that he’s no good for her. So for one aspect, I’m worried about her. But on the other side, if I stayed, I’d have friends and a great education. So… I’ve been losing sleep and I don’t know what to think.

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Saturday November 1, 2014 in Category Life

If I were to post a year in the life of me, would there be more hate than love? I just want to get it out, I need to share this year, but without anyone knowing who I am, just what I go through

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Wednesday July 9, 2014 in Category Humiliation

I was involuntarily committed into a mental facility for 3 days, because the nurse thought I was a sexually abused child. I went there for anxiety and she wouldn’t let my husband anywhere near me. They started putting my information in a child’s chart before anyone had the bright idea to look at my ID- all because they only bothered to read the initial nurse’s report. The psychiatrist laughed her head off at the situation and let me out ASAP. I am an adult and my husband does not deserve to be treated like a criminal!

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Wednesday July 9, 2014 in Category Thoughts and Feelings

My birthday. My birthday was today, I turned 17. When I woke up my dad said happy birthday , that was the only acknowledgement I got today. No cake no gifts no one else even said happy birthday all day. I don’t mean to be a spoiled kid but since when did I not get cared about. When my dog turned 2 my parents threw a party made him a cake and got him an edible birthday card. I got one person to say happy birthday to me  on my birthday.

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Wednesday July 9, 2014 in Category Life

Hi myself Ipshita Ghoshal m frm varanasi dats in u.p. in india m 17 yr old babes..i want to share a short summary of mah mah life i hv to many up’n down’s as it happens in evrybodies lyf bt my story is i go..since frm my child hood to still life my father love me too much lik m his heart he lv me lyk a people lv god frm childhood whatevr i want my fathr gave me rit thr only bt in case of mu mothr she hates me alot coz m a girl n she want as usual boy evryday evry mint she scold me spoke all those hurtfull words she makes me evrh min cry she hit me vry badly she is too bad bt i lv her too much coz she gave me birth..nd alwahs pray fr her long life .m so bad n unlucky girl i liv alon alwys i hav evrythng xcpt love i alwys being alon always backstab by frnds lv evryone i quit too bt god dnt wnt me in gods home .i lv nature n animals i help evryone help beggers
.im kind in nature i want lv want sm 1 fr my care wnt frnds…i dnt make frnds coz they cheat m alone coz hvng fear of hurt agn ..i liv alone n hpy to i spend tym by sketching dancing singing n much more dis is mah summart story of mah life….i hope u will lik dis .

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Wednesday April 30, 2014 in Category Thoughts and Feelings

I need someone to talk to…

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Thursday April 10, 2014 in Category Life

I’d like to share my story with you, it’s entirely up to you if you choose to read this or not….

My parents got divorced when I was really young, I had to live with my grandparents, they were religious (Christians) and I used to be one too, had to go to a religious school and act all perfect. But I used to get bullied all the time at school and no one liked me… I had no friends and no one to turn to for help. Throughout the years of high school, I suffered from depression,bipolar, sadness etc….. Started self harming to the extent where I wanted to kill myself because I lost my sanity. At the age of 15 I moved to my uncles house and life started to change a little bit, I started to realize that things weren’t so bad like they used to be, the people I hung around started to like me and we kept hanging out all the time. A year later I discovered that those so called “friends” of mine have been speaking bad things about me, and I entered a state of depression once again. I had countless nights in the darkness, drinking and overdosing on drugs… was hospitalized so many times too. I never liked life, I never liked the idea of being able to breathe on this earth. I always question what the point of life is. What my sole purpose is. What the heck am I here for. And now I’m a 19 year old guy trying to get his life together…. finding a job and trying to earn some money. But recently I started thinking again and I feel like killing myself because I’m not worthy and I’m just a waste of space on this earth.

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