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She only founded me sexually interested

The story starts back in year 2015 when I was going to high school. There I was not the most popular kid or anything like that, but I did start to get more confidence when I started to train in a gym. And so, it begins…

During school day I saw the most beautiful girl and experienced the love on first site. She also noticed me. We started to chat for 2 weeks and we clicked, and I thought to myself I am the luckiest guy ever. But then she told me, she only founded me sexually interested and that she noticed I had grown feelings for her, which she disliked, so she ended it over the phone.

Months had passed before she contacted me again saying that her aunt forced her to end the relationship, because she was in trouble with the police. I believed her and gave her a second chance. 3 days passes by and again she started to ignore me and ends it again, because foolish of me I started to express my love toward her, again. Later I found out she had another guy. I was very sad, so I decided to isolate myself again (I was depressed in middle school) and to focus my energy on gymnastics (still rings). The motivation I drew from was from missing her for thinking I sabotaged the chance to be with her. I started to live in anger.

1 year passes by, I had trained so hard that I received multiple injuries to my arms because I had trained recklessly. Then suddenly she calls me and wants to make things right. I gave her 3rd chance, because I was still madly in love with her. This time around she gave me a chance and we spend time together. I never felt happier in my entire life, even my depression was cured. She made me whole… But that only lasted for 1 month. Then she told me that she could not love me back for reasons still unknown to me to this day. She even did not want to explain what the problem was. Then I snapped, mentally…

My heart broke lasted for many months and I would not subside. I tried everything, I trained again but it was not enough; I drank alcohol, nothing; I tried dating, still did not help. I felt in such deep depression, that my suicide instincts activated. Death would be answer to my pain…

I would not write this article if it was not for 6 x times Mr. Olympia Dorian Yates. From watching him and his passion toward bodybuilding and the mindset of a serious warrior appealed to me. So, I decided to dedicate my life to bodybuilding. I made every necessary sacrifice in order to become the best at this sport. I cut off all of my relationships with my friends and family; I slept, ate and trained to such an extent that I became antisocial. But I have paid a great price for this. My source of willpower and dedication derived from rage and even worse, suicidal thoughts. Every single day of the year I wished to just… die, either from hardcore training or the diet or other factors included in this sport. It was matter of death or glory. During this time, I did not think about her, not even once but still, the madness from my past was still inside of me present. I harness this power for obsession to do one thing right in my miserable life. My body was the result of my inner hatred toward life itself.

I was getting ready for a bodybuilding show and I noticed I started to miss her again. This bothered me during my cutting diet, because it distracted me from the daily routine. About 6 weeks before the show I was told that I was unable to compete because of lack of my insufficient funds (all already went to this sport), so I was unable to apply to the show and so all the spots were reserved by the others. I cried… I have lost everything again and more…

My perception of reality has broken down. I am beyond depression and suicidal thoughts. I am now emotionally dead, all means nothing now. I am a victim of my past. Till this day I am trying to transcend my past and become the person I was many years ago. But I cannot move on until I forgive myself and bury past memories, especially of her… Which still to this day bring smile on me.

One Comment

  1. You should focus on your passion, even though you give up, keep on trying. Also try being a little more social, make friends, whom you can share these feelings with. It won’t make the problems go, but it will support you mentally and emotionally. The result of you not giving up on your passion, will finally make you feel better. I hope this piece of advice works 🙂

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